The Long Walk Home

This week my adventure into the world of parenting two small boys began. Husbandface is back at work and so me and the tiny people set sail into the unknown together. They are still pretty rubbish at grasping what’s going on in this life, one more so than the other, and so it was a bit of a mental voyage to the weekend. Here’s what we’ve been learning… 

I’ve discovered the joys of all three of us crying hysterically at once. I’m learning to feed on the floor at son1’s level so helping him through Mummy being less attentive goes better. I’m adjusting to feeling like son1 doesn’t get my full attention anymore, and feeling sad about that (mainly by remembering that he never got my full attention all day before son2 came along, my phone got lots as well). I’m learning the art of doing things with son1 whilst standing up swaying with son2 in a sling (such as watching him play on the iPad… Very easy to do whilst standing and swaying). I’m feeling little less guilty about screen time restrictions going out of the window. I’m enjoying the moments I get alone with son1 so much more. 

I still have no idea how to cook dinner with two crazy tiny people and me in full on witching hour mode. I have not mastered self control, patience or calm responses to the boundaries pushed this week. I am still undone by not being able to know why son2 is crying so much. I am still a gibbering wreck when lovely husbandface leaves the house and comes back (feel some sympathy for the poor man) but inbetween those times we have had some fun, been looked after by those in the village helping to raise these boys and generally all alive at the end of the day. I think that’s a good starting point for this new stage of life. 

I’m loving not feeling as hideously overwhelmed this time round. No bomb has gone off this time, there are no shattered pieces of me and my old life lying around. There are adjustments to be made, things that are good and bad about this new place but no major construction works to be done. We’ve cleared the old life and built the foundations of this life in the last two years and now it feels like the new building work has started in earnest. That’s still not easy but it’s not about what has gone anymore. (Apart from some longing glances back to a place where I only had one other person to bundle out of the door and pay  attention to each day…).

As for son2, he’s 4 weeks old, doesn’t sleep much, cries lots, needs his nappy changing with boring regularity and feeds lots. He’s a baby. But every so often there are flashes of what he is growing into. If his fake practice smiles are anything to go by he’s going to have a stunner when it comes along. He has dimples which I adore and he can coo like the best of them in his half hour of happiness each day. I am frustrated by his lack of sleep but not in total despair like last time. I am weary of rocking him in the sling but not overwhelmed to the point of not wanting this life. I occasionally hysterical beg him to go to sleep or stop crying but I have hope that he will develop into a person slightly better able to deal with this world (I say slightly because as delightful as the toddler is he still throws himself on the floor when I refuse him something he desperately wants, such as the children’s programme that doesn’t exist about marriage that he insisted he had to watch yesterday- there is something very sad about not being able to meet his desperate cries to watch marriage…maybe I should have dug out our appalling wedding video..) 

So there we are. I am grateful for our survival of the week. Grateful to all the people who hung out with us and provided lovely places to escape to or stepped into the madness with us. Most of all I am glad to have been held by the One who loves us most. Although I’ve raged at him for once again not giving us a baby with its sleep function intact I’ve known his care of me through the week, reminders of his love have come in song, in son1’s reminders to put on encouraging CDs and in the lovely morning of peace I had whilst son1 was out and son2 napped in his swing for a long time. 

I think a bit of 2 Corinthians 4 is appropriate to quote now. I’m sure it’s not about life with new babies (more about facing hardship for following God)  but it pretty much sums up how I feel at the end of the week. I’ll leave you to wrangle with whether that’s a good use of the passage or not.

“But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.  We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed… Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” 

What do we do with a God who answers prayers?

Maria Von Trapp dealt with him by rejecting grace and claiming that ‘nothing comes from nothing, nothing ever could’, she reasoned that ‘somewhere in her youth or childhood she must have done something good’ to get such a catch as the Captain and be as happy as she was. I think we all have a bit of this thinking in our lives. That we need to deserve the good things that come our way. As a pessimist I can all too easily fall into this trap and if good stuff happens I’m immediately looking for what is going to go wrong rather than resting in the grace of being grateful. 

I think I would find it easier to deal with a God who never answers prayer in the way we want. And in day to day life I probably do think like that. I can deal with the silence, the working through God being mysterious, far off and distant, the explaining of times he doesn’t do what I want as his ways not being ours, his desire for my character over comfort.  That may well be true but it’s not the whole picture.  

What about when he does answer prayers in exactly the way I want and expect? Is that because I’m finally praying in line with his will? Is that because actually it’s all just coincidence and God is still working on my character and life has just worked out well? Is God in charge of all the stuff going on in this world? Can he change it? Is God able to answer real physical prayers rather than just the internal stuff?

I think the internal stuff matters more in some ways – praying for godliness when we don’t get the parking space we want might be more important than us getting the parking space. But can God provide the parking space? And what does it mean for all the stuff going wrong in the world if he can and does move the physical world? Why doesn’t he do more to change things? 

Anyway let’s move this away from the hypothetical parking space. This time I’m talking about labour. 

I wrestled with God all last week, I didn’t want my booked induction on Friday, I wanted so much to give birth at home with my boy placed wriggling and squirming and naked and gooey on my chest straight away. I wanted a better experience than last time. I wanted to go into labour without drugs and I wanted my toddler to be safely away, not confused more than necessary. I didn’t want to ask for all this because I knew it wasn’t my right, that others don’t get this so why should I ask for it?  It didn’t happen last time and things were ok (ish) I know God isn’t a slot machine and so I didn’t want to ask.

I wrestled. And then I asked. I knew he could do it and I prayed he would, all the time trying not to get my hopes up. Others had more faith and prayed confidently. I threw my toys around in anger and fear like my own toddler and raged against a God I don’t get. 

And then all our prayers were answered. Physically answered. This wasn’t a lesson in trust, in learning to be out of control or patient endurance, lessons I know so well and think are my default. This was wham bam here you go. Labour, a straightforward one, a boy who woke at the right time and was whisked away by his godmum and family for fun safe times. My flat full of fairy lights and familiarity. My bed.  My body doing crazy things it was made to do and at the end a beautiful gooey boy placed on my naked chest, feeding off me and then lying blissed out asleep. I keep thinking something should go wrong to make up for all these good things. 

I don’t know what to do with a God who actually sometimes gives us what we want. Others seem more deserving. Why doesn’t he do more? Why this world? Why not end all the pain? Questions I’ll never have the answer to. For now I think I’ll have to come to terms with a God who sometimes says yes. Here you go. Have this simple good thing. Mental. 

Seeing as this boy doesn’t want to arrive anytime soon you can all assume that my week has been like the ones described before. There is nothing new around here. 

So instead, lets have some fun thinking of alternatives to traditional children’s songs. I find nursery rhymes some of the most tedious songs ever and think it’s high time we upped our game when it comes to kids songs. If I have to sing ‘The wheels on the bus’, ‘Wind the stupid bobbin up’ or ‘Sleeping bunnies’ one more time I may go mad. And don’t get husbandface started on the actions to ‘Twinkle twinkle little star’. Apparently we need a better action for the word diamond that isn’t making the shape of a rhombus. But that’s his bug bear not mine. 

To save us from these songs we love going to an Aardvark music class each Monday. Imported from America it’s a collection of songs that reflect life as a child growing up in the city. We get out shakers, sticks, instruments and do actions to them. They have proper tunes, melody and wouldn’t sound out of place on radio 6 at times. Obviously we are sick of these songs too as with anything played over and over again throughout the day. But at least they are fun, varied and interesting. 

For those without such a class near them, here are some quality tunes to replace some of the old nursery rhymes. It may just save your sanity… 

‘Aint’ got no (I’ve got life)’ by Nina Simone and Groove finder instead of ‘Heads, shoulders, knees and toes.’

This song is even more educational – teaching children where their liver, chin, blood, hair and brains are has got to be a winner right? (although maybe lets replace the sex and boobies part for a later time in their lives…)

‘Nice weather for ducks’ by Lemon Jelly instead of ‘5 little ducks.’

Let’s face it ‘5 little ducks’ is a bit of a scary song encouraging small children to run away from home. We all know it’s an illusion that they all came swimming back 5 days after the first one left. I presume they were all eaten by a fox. (Well if it was a Grimm fairy tale that’s what would have happened.) All the ducks are swimming in the water is a much more merry experience all round.  

‘I go driving in my car’ by Madness instead of ‘The wheels on the bus.’ 

It’s transport themed and doesn’t gender stereotype Mummies into nattering and Daddies into reading the paper.

‘What does the fox say?’ by Ylvis by instead of ‘Old Macdonald had a farm.’

It sticks with the animal noise theme and is nicely trippy at the same time. After all surely we all need to know what the fox says?

‘Happy’- Pharrell Williams instead of If you’re Happy and you Know it.

Surely this is just a 21st century version of the classic, ‘clap along if you feel like happiness is the truth’… it’s really just ‘if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands’ with a better beat.  

‘It’s oh so quiet’ by Bjork instead of ‘Sleeping bunnies’.

OK so the themes are different but the loud/quiet/loud thing that is ‘Sleeping bunnies’ only saving grace is genius. I can imagine lots of cute shhhing and then lots of crazy spinning dancing moves. And a much much better melody.

And now over to you. Can you think of replacements for ‘Twinkle twinkle little star’, ‘Wind the bobbin up’, ‘The grand old Duke of York’ or ‘Baa baa black sheep’? 

Also, does anyone want to come to my new music class? We could finish each week with a rendition of ‘Filthy Gorgeous’ by the Scissor Sisters as that seems to nicely sum up life with small people.