“Some other day when my morning comes, I’ll be the one that’s waited all night…”

A hot and sticky night. In the room next to me son1 is tossing and turning listening to CBeebies Radio. Son2 has oddly found sleep easily tonight and is snoring hard. I am pottering around the house slowly putting to one side the things we will need when we head off for a couple of nights camping tomorrow. It has been a day of ups and downs, stresses have too easily hit my head and I struggled to cope with dinner time.

This morning was thankfully a different story, I went to Tuesday Group, we shared songs, poems and encouragements along the road with each other. We wanted to be reminded of the reality of God. I think we were. I played everyone my song of the moment: Iain Archer’s Everest.

It is a beautiful song that speaks powerfully of my emotions right now. I have no idea what the song is really about but I guess that’s the beauty of songs, they in turn become more personal as we speak our own interpretations into the lyrics and melody. This one is a song that talks of hanging on, of hope that barely breathes. It is a song that echoes the long long wait until morning, the longing for change in a situation and maybe the holding on to that final morning when everything will be ok after all.

The last two lines make me well up whenever I hear them: “Some other day when my morning comes, I’ll be the one that’s waited all night…”. Life feels very much like we are waiting for morning right now. We plough on, not knowing how long husbandface’s condition will last, we don’t know how or what life will look like beyond September. We deal with that by consuming sugar and staring at motorhome and camper van conversion sites on the internet. We trudge on through the days. We try and love the small ones well but it is hard to keep on waiting for the dawn. We know there are many blessings and wonders in this world of ours right now. Life is not as bleak as all that but every now and again the weariness hits and I am left aching for night to be over.

I think we are meant to ache for that. I think are made to live for another world, a world where there will be no more pain or suffering, where we will be able to live without conflict or confusion in our relationships, where there will be no selfishness or self protection because the hurts will be healed and we will be free to love and be loved. It’s a beautiful world to long for, it’s a beautiful light to live in the reality of now. We can keep on loving those around us because the dawn is breaking in. The new light leads us on to the true light ahead. We love poorly and impatiently but we do love. We care, oh so briefly and fleetingly but we do care. The kingdom of the other world is breaking into now.

And so we hold onto morning. We hold on for the light.

I guess I’m thinking lots about light at the moment. We have reached the point of the year where the creation around us shouts about life. Our garden is growing strawberries and lettuce we can eat. We can see the fruits of spring budding to full growth. Light and colour and richness are flooding our senses whenever we walk around with our eyes open. There is so much light. I can’t remember a year when I noticed the light so much. Maybe this year is the year I really need to see it. I am staying up later, I seem to need less sleep. My body feels more in tune with the earth it dwells in. There is so much light. Tomorrow we will live the longest day of the year, the day full of light and wonder. We will drive to Wales for a couple of nights camping in this light and we will see new things. I want to dare to hope. To embrace the outdoors joy, to guide my sons through new experiences, to get away from our house and my insane desire to clean so I can control something in our world right now. I want to hope, to hope that somewhere in this crazy life is someone who is holding us, who is pointing us to the true light in this world, who shows us more of that light not only by shinning in darkness but by giving us full light of day to enjoy and be refreshed by.

The solstice is here. Endless light is promised. We ride on towards the dawn.

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Parenting thoughts…

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View from a seminar…

This weekend I was asked to share some top tips on parenting, gathered from my years as a parent so far. To be honest I felt like a bit of a fraud, this world still feels very new and I know I’m conditioned by only being a little way along the road. The best bit of the seminar was listening to those far ahead of me in the journey.  It was refreshing to hear from another perspective and be comforted by the knowledge that all the phases are different. It was reassuring to know that through all of them surviving and thriving is possible. Children do grow, become independent and come back in some way in a different form of friendship/relationship. I loved the view from up there and it gave me hope in these trenches of the early years.

I decided not to share many top tips, as we are all so different in ourselves and in our approaches. What works for one parent and one child may not work at all for others. We are all stumbling through this land. Instead of dispensing my theories on how parenting should be done (and I have many, ask me, just don’t look at my parenting all that closely.. my theories and reality are still far too far apart) I thought I’d talk a bit about what I’ve experienced of God in these years. I hoped it would be of help to others to know the basic realities of God that have kept me sane so far. I hope it will help you if you have the time to trawl through them now.

Best put the kettle on if you want to read further… (Reading through these notes I can see that a talky thing is obviously different from a writing thing. I could change this into sounding more like a blog post, but it’s not an essay on parenting, these are thoughts that led to a talk. I didn’t parrot this out, it was more of a safety net as I waffled away through some of this material on a sunny day in June to a few people)

I’m not sure when parenting became a verb. A thing to do rather than an unconscious reality of bringing children into the world. I think it’s good that we are thinking more about how we relate to the children we have been entrusted with, but the rise of ‘parenting’ as a thing has also meant we have become divided into different tribes that compare and contrast and judge all too easily those that do things differently to us.

Into that Psalm 131 seems to speak pretty powerfully..
“Lord, my heart is not proud;
I don’t look down on others.
I don’t do great things,and I can’t do miracles.
2 But I am calm and quiet, like a baby with its mother.
I am at peace, like a baby with its mother.
3 People of Israel, put your hope in the Lord now and forever.

I could give you my great ideas about how to parent (well from a particularly good moment…)
I could give you my ideals of what I think parenting should be about.
I could tell you all my failures to make you feel better about your parenting.

But I’m not sure that would be a whole lot of use- I parent as me. I parent together as a team with my husband, who parents as him. We bring our own strengths and weaknesses to it all. We have our own unique weirdos to look after. They will respond differently to your kids, we will deal with them based on our own personalities and values. We muddle through in parenting. Our basic approach has been do what works within the parameters we felt comfortable with.

Aspects of different styles of parenting shaped what we have tried to do but there is a bigger picture that I think we need to talk about before we even begin to think about how we ‘parent’.

I want to talk about the God who parents with us and who parents us.

I’ve found such comfort from some basic realities about God as I’ve struggled to adjust to life with small people and the relentlessness of the preschool years.

I found it incredibly hard to recover after the bomb of Son1’s arrival into the world. I felt like my entire world had come apart, bits of me were lying in pieces and I’ve been recovering and adjusting to who I am now for the last 5 years. I feel like I’ve entered a world that has changed my entire being and there is no going back. It’s been a crazy adjustment but also a wonderful one.

So in no particular order here is what I’ve found out about God along the way and what I’ve clung to in the daily ups and downs of parenting small people.

He’s my good shepherd. He is my children’s good shepherd,

I need someone to guide me through these years, someone else’s footprints to walk in, a guide who will show me what good parenting looks like. We have that in God.

When all is going wrong, and when I get things right, he is the one I look to for example of how to shepherd my boys. No amount of parenting manuals can come close to simply looking at how God treats us and then trying to imitate that.

He gently leads those who have young.

Isaiah 40, a lifeline verse:
“He tends his flock like a shepherd:
He gathers the lambs in his arms
and carries them close to his heart;
he gently leads those that have young.”

He gently leads me, he is not expecting great things from me, he is holding my hand as I fumble through the days, He is my children’s shepherd too. He loves my boys more than I ever could and has them in his hands

Without that fundamental reality I think I would go mad in parenting. This is the bedrock of it all. The gentle goodness of our God helping us through and being an incredible example to follow.

Jesus calls us to a life of sacrifice.

I am slow to this realisation. I want my comforts, I want my holidays back where I get to lie around and read books all day. I want my world to be the way I want it. But Jesus has always said life is about sacrifice, of finding true life when we deny ourselves (not in some morbid self flagellation way but in a way of truly finding the best way to live is in loving the people around us)

Having small people depend on me for life itself has made me realise the reality of that truth. Life is not all about me and my world. God has told me on numerous occasions to trust that the sacrifice is worth it. And strangely when I stop fighting it it kind of works, a life of love is a beautiful one, when I stop demanding and complaining (and generally acting like my youngest son) I find he is right there helping me through the days.

God doesn’t slumber or sleep.

“I lift up my eyes to the mountains— where does my help come from?
2 My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.
3 He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber;
4 indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.”

Psalm 121 was of great comfort in the long sleepless nights with the boys. They didn’t sleep either and some of my best connection moments with God have come in the middle of the night, when I’ve stopped swearing and accepted that I’m here to care for which ever small one it is who needs me. I’ve known that there is one who is up all night with me.

God really loves me and you

Way more than I love my insanely cute strange boys. I sometimes get so caught up in the pure strength of love I have for them. It’s like the cliches. It’s like you’ve birthed your heart and it’s walking out there in the world unprotected. Argh. It’s insane how much I love them. And every time I feel those feelings (and lots of the time I don’t) I sense a small still voice whispering in my ear. That’s how I feel about you. (Mental)

God knows how it feels to be a breastfeeding mother.

Isaiah 49 But Zion said, “The Lord has forsaken me, the Lord has forgotten me.”15 “Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you! 16 See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me.

God can’t forget us as much as I can’t forget my kids. I remember one of the first times I left Son1 when he was tiny. I only went to the pub for a couple of hours but his face was etched in my mind. I couldn’t forget him. I couldn’t get him out of my head. God is like that with us.

God is gentle, calm and patient in his love and mercy and discipline of me. (maybe I could learn from that..)

He doesn’t shout at me (except maybe when I’m in danger). I don’t need to shout at my kids to make them do what I want them to or so they will learn. (I mean I do shout at them cos I am human and full of anger at times) but I am trying to learn that God’s patient ways of showing us grace and love are also the best ways to treat my boys.

New mercies are needed each morning and given. Phew.

“22 Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. 23 They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
24 I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.”

I had not realised how much I was full of anger before I had kids. I need unfailing love each day. I need the new compassion waiting for me each morning and thankfully I have it daily over and over again. Lamentations 3, 22-23 is a lifeline I need to make more use of.

God is a redeeming God who brings good out of the crappiest of situations.

I know this is true in my friends lives and mine. It is all I have to cling to when I freak out about the future and want to lock the boys in cupboards so they will never see any porn or be hurt by anyone or be able to hurt others. But God redeems and restores and loves my boys more than me. Sometimes that hope is the only thing that keeps me believing in all this Christian stuff.

It’s never the end of the story.

However crap things are right now. However hopeless we feel for our parenting or kids lives. It is not the end of the story. God knows. He is here. He is at work. Cry out to him.

“38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” (Romans 8)

And now for some more generic advice…

There is no value in the comparison game…

There is no point in comparing or contrasting or judging others. I’m called to be faithful and to love. Not to try and score points. If I’m worrying about what others think about my parenting, or feeling inferior or superior it’s cos I’m not feeling secure. I need to go back to the reality that God is my point of security. Not how well or badly I’m doing in comparison with others.

Our kids aren’t going to be perfect.

We are called to love them anyway. I struggle with this so much. I long for them to be wise lovely men of god who are tender and caring and like Jesus in how they treat women. They may well be like that some of the time but they will also not be perfect. I need to love them anyway. Whatever they are like. I long that they will always know they are loved and that will point them to the bigger love that holds this world together.

If you have a co-parent- Remember you are a team

Communicate with each other, and if you are able to do that kind of thing – pray for your kids together, delight in them together. If you don’t have a co-parent, and even if you do, grab a trusted friend and share the ups and downs together.

Get advice when you need to:

Having said it’s what we need to know about God that matters in our parenting… it can be helpful to get advice from others on the journey. Talk to couples ahead of you in it, find people you respect and hang out with them to see how they do it, remember that you are different and be ok with being different 🙂

Read a few parenting books to see if they fit. We are reading ‘Calmer, Happier and Easier Parenting’ at the moment which so far is brilliant and fits well with where we are at in parenting and seems to fit well with the values of the kingdom of God too. Take all advice with a pinch of salt though. No-one else is you parenting your children. It’s a unique situation. Some stuff from each book will work, some won’t. It’s ok.

Everything is a phase even the good stuff.

Time moves on. Kids change and develop. The struggles of now will not be here next month or next year. It’s a rollercoaster of joys and sorrows, pain and wonder.

The hands of God are holding you tight even if it’s all you can do to keep breathing.

I’ve, and others of my friends have found the preschool early years to be a parched desert of faith. But good work is being done here. There are water supplies and there is one who holds on tight to us.

Finally- Galatians 5:22-23 are verses I keep coming back to in my prayers for us as a family.

“22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law”

I still think these are the best list of characteristics we need to live out as we parent and the best things we can pray for our kids to develop.

There is no law against these things and they are beautiful ways to treat each other and to treat our children as we stumble through this journey of parenting.

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Thoughts from a long bedtime at the end of the week. 

It’s Sunday evening. The boys are late to bed tonight. Naps in the car on the way back from our church weekend away have ensured we are listening to CBeebies radio whilst they try and sleep and I am drinking wine already hoping that soon they can drift off so I can raid the chocolate supply I bought earlier from Asda. (CBeebies radio at this time of evening feels like some kind of weird hypnosis with voices inbetween programmes telling us in soporific voices to close our eyes and go to sleep. So far I’m the only person it seems to be working on…)

It’s been an interestingly up and down week in our life. The first week back after half term. Thankfully routines worked again for our stability and sanity in the first half of the week. 

Thursday afternoon is my worst point at the moment. We’ve run out of energy post the weekend and beginning of the week and I’m full of weary tiredness with no energy for the boys. This week was no exception. By the end of Thursday I was grumpy and sad. 

Drumming helped cure the misery for a bit and the arrival of Mum and Dad to help out on Friday was a welcome relief. Good friends listening to our story and feeding us curry on Friday night provided another excellent start to the weekend.  

We’ve noticed this week that we feel in a catch 22 situation, in desperate need of community but too exhausted to make the inroads into community that we need to. We have felt isolated and alone, bar some excellent friends and our Godfamily whose consistent support is a lifeline in these times. We sat and poured out our heart to our friends on Friday night and then prayed. With our tiny, fingernails barely holding on, faith we prayed for miracles on our church weekend away. 

It’s been a year since our last church closed and there is still deep grief over lots of aspects of that closure. In the end I think it was the right decision that we ended but there was much pain in that ending. Our new church feels like an amazing fit, God keeps showing up to reassure me, restore me and remind me of reality each week and I’ve been able to be useful there already. However, it’s not been been easy to feel more connected as a couple and a family. Husbandface has been so unable to come along recently and we have such small windows to reach out to others. 

I was a little worried about the weekend away and hoping for God to show up. Thankfully prayers were answered. Me and the boys had a beautiful day there on Saturday, we loved hanging around outside all day, I loved the chance to chat to more people in a deeper way whilst the boys bounced on inflatables. I enjoyed rambling a bit about God and parenting helping out at a seminar in the blazing sun. The boys made new friends and we drove home happy and refreshed. Today husbandface managed to come out with us and had good chats with someone in a similar situation. We felt cared for and part of community life again. Tendrils of hope have swung into view.      
The road ahead is still fairly relentless but it was lovely to sit a while in some shade, drink refreshing water and feel able to keep on going. 

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Friday round up

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Harrods, just around the corner from where we are staying 🙂

Here we are, back to the routine of end of the week blogging. Phew.

We have spent the last week enjoying London with the American family of husbandface. It has been a wonderful break from the norms of life, from routine and from the exhaustion that had set in. It has been brilliant to hang out together and share the craziness of life. It hasn’t been perfect, the boys have struggled a bit away from home and husbandface has struggled with wanting to do more than he can manage. Despite all that we have had lots of fun and I’ve really valued other people taking the boys away at intervals, the presence of my lovely parents for a day, meeting for coffee with someone in a similar situation and hanging out with a couple of excellent friends throughout the week. It’s been a week that has felt spacious and light.

We really haven’t done many of the ‘London’ things which Maisy seems to fit into one day in the classic ‘Maisy goes to London’ book. We didn’t do the Zoo, the Aquarium, the London Eye, Tower Bridge, Buckingham Palace or even the new Lego shop. We managed one day out in the centre on the South Bank and the Duck Tour but that was enough for our highly stimulated boys. It was good to get a sense of having seen lots of London but then to retreat to our little corner of Knightsbridge and Hyde Park. We did wander briefly through the Natural History Museum and this morning the excellent Americans took the boys to the Science Museum. I think that’s probably enough tourist things for a week. Slow and steady works for us all right now. This afternoon we plan on boating on the Serpentine and maybe more ice cream.

We have all loved having Hyde Park on our doorstep. It has provided the chance for son1 to scoot in non hilly places, the benefits of lots of green space and the lovely Diana Memorial Fountain to splash in. I’ve enjoyed running through the park on various mornings and glimpsing the horse guard parade from a distance as I’ve pounded around the paths.

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The later half of the week has brought the beginning of 30 Days of Wild. All through June we are blogging about our month of getting out into the outdoors more over on our motorhoming adventure blog. Here’s a taste of our first day.

Today marked the beginning of our adventures with #30daysofwild. We are currently staying the week in London with friends who are family. I thought this lovely location might be a slight damper on our search for wild but with Hyde Park on our doorstep it’s been good to think about searching for urban wild.

This morning we headed to the Diana Memorial Fountain, a beautiful park within the park with a rushing circular fountain for people to paddle in. It does a pretty good imitation of a mountain stream with multi levels and textures under foot. The boys loved it, apart from the times Son2 thought that maybe he was getting too wet. Anyway, it was wonderful to get barefoot in the capital, feel cool cool water on our legs and soft green grass beneath our feet.

Tomorrow we head home, back to reality and routine. I think I’m ready to plunge into the next two months of life before heading out on our road trip adventure.

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Dear friend, so you’re about to become a Mum…

Dear lovely one. 

Wow. You are about to become a Mum. That reality you’ve ached for over so many years. A Mum. Responsible for a tiny life, her hand in yours. 

I wish I could prepare you for what is about to happen. There really is no way. For the wonder, the joy, the insanity, the pain, the sleep deprivation, the life changes, the anger, the frustration and the love.  Oh the love. 

Like an explosion your world as you’ve known it for years is about to get ripped apart. It’s ok to feel shock, it’s ok to feel overwhelmed. It’s ok to feel like you’re coping really well and were born to do this. It’s ok to feel anger like you’ve never known. It’s ok to burn inside with love for this tiny person who has invaded your world. It’s ok to want to throw her in the bin (metaphorically that is… If you find yourself actually walking towards the bin maybe call a friend eh.). It’s ok to be utterly undone and it’s ok to soar on the wonder of love. It’s ok to cry deep into the middle of the night and wonder why on earth you thought this would be a good idea. It’s ok to moan about how hard it all is. It’s ok to find it fun and delightful. It’s ok to feel smug about getting to hang out in parks all day in the sunny sun. It’s ok to get mind numbingly bored and it’s ok to be lonely. It’s ok to feel and feel some more. 

You may find yourself feeling all of those things over 5 minutes of time. That’s ok too. This world of being a Mum is the most insane rollercoaster I’ve ever been on. You are not alone. You are not alone. You may feel alone but you are not. Your village is around you. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Don’t fear finding it hard because you are finally getting what you’ve always wanted. It’s ok to get all you have desired and find it enormously overwhelming. And it’s ok when you love it too.  It’s ok to say you love it and not worry too much about your old self who struggled with people who were loving it at times. 

The world will want to throw advice at you. Go with what fits with your values as a person and ditch the rest. People parent differently and it’s ok to do it differently from your best friends. It’ll be a fine art to learn those tricky conversations around how you manage sleep and eating and all the rest of the things people think they have the answers to but it’ll be worth it. You’ll all appreciate each other more. Find a couple of people who do things the same way and know you aren’t alone, but enjoy the different approaches people have. Parenting is way too full of silly tribes around the ‘right’ method. Go with your gut, try some stuff out and it’ll work out in the end. 

I know your circumstances are entirely different from mine, I know there will be challenges and joys that I will never have faced or will have to face. I know we are all so uniquely and wonderfully different but I’m betting there is a lot of overlap in the universal woah of becoming a parent for the first time, however that has happened.

The reality is there is nothing I can say to prepare you. This is one path you’ll step onto alone but as you step you’ll realise that there are hundreds and thousands out there who’ve also taken that first step and who have survived the madness. Whatever is on the other side of this door you are about to open you are loved, you are loved, you are loved and you can love out of that love.

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News and a New Blog

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Music playing: The Be Good Tanya’s- The Collection.
Drink of choice: Caffeinated tea.
Background ambience: Sunny sunshine, breeze blowing through the window.

I feel like it should be time for one of those update posts that this blog seems to have become all about over the last few months. This time last week I sat and wrote about writing. Then I did some, not for this blog, for another blog. But more of all that in a moment.

Firstly, what’s the state of our team?

It’s been an interesting week. And by interesting I mean overly shouty and exhausting. By Friday afternoon I was to be found asleep on a sofa in our spare room with son2 shouting outside the door for Mummy whilst the amazing Daddy explained that he might have broken the Mummy and maybe they should go and read books for a while. After some of my less good parenting moments came back to me through son1’s mouth (‘how many times do I have to tell you to listen Mummy?’) we all needed the welcome break of a Saturday away. I took the boys to visit my wonderful friends Anna and Johnny. We bumbled around a country park with their girls, son2 overcame his fear of Johnny and became obsessed with him. No-one shouted and all in all it was a wonderful break in the general theme of grumpy grump that is lurking around our house at the moment.

The less said about Sunday the better I think. Husbandface has had a particularly bad weekend coming off drugs and letting the realisation of being signed off work until September sink in. We are all bored of the situation and the boys are beginning to ask heartbreaking questions about why Daddy is sick and will they catch it etc. Ugh. Thankfully right now the sun is shinning, the endorphins are flowing today and we will have a break from this relentless norm next week, when we got to London for a holiday with amazing family. Phew.

Stuff we actually like doing

All week we’ve also been preparing to launch our new blog all about our motorhome adventure in the summer and life as a family exploring more of the great outdoors. I’ve been loving writing some initial posts for it. I’ve realised I’ve felt more and more limited in what I want to write about on this blog, I hope that changes soon but I feel restricted in my writing. I want to write about faith and the changes going on in my head but I also fear starting to do that. I don’t really want a vast audience for this little corner of the internet, I don’t want a platform for these thoughts, I don’t want the vast swell of opinions that seem to come to people when they start getting a bigger audience for thoughts of faith and how this God thing works out in life. I feel fairly similarly when it comes to writing about parenting. I have yet to figure out how to write well about our life without it becoming or seeming to be a judgement about how others do stuff. In both christianity and parenting there are so many tribes and so many conflicting ideas that I feel paralysed when it comes to writing about my experiences of both. I’m probably overthinking these things but it feel much simpler to write about motorhomes and nature.

Anyway. Without further ado- here’s the real point of this blog post- head over to this page and discover our new blog. There will probably be lots of cross over posts as we write about things and it’ll be that blog I post our adventures taking part in the 30 days of wild challenge organised by The Wildlife Trusts. You can even follow us on twitter. 

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Taking up the writing challenge

This morning I read a tweet that spoke straight to my soul. Simple helpful advice on writing. It said this:

“I’m going on the record as still believing in blogging, if for no other reason than improving your writing. Forget platform; log some hours” Sharon Hodde Miller

Which is kind of what I’d been thinking about last night when I made myself sit down and write. I really want to write more but I am pretty lazy. I like the dream rather than the reality. The reality is that it is good to log the hours of writing, blogging has always made me try and write better. Honestly, right now, I don’t want a platform. The glare of social media scares me but I do want to hone this craft. Blogging is a good thing. So here we go again, another one of my annual I realise writing is something I need to do and this space is a good place to do it in.

So here’s my offering today, tales of my run this morning. Brought to you with the backdrop of Harry Styles new album.

Wednesday morning.

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From the track I run down. Sadly the sky today was grey.

I slip my feet into running shoes, tie up the laces, stretch out my calf muscles and open the back door. Today is the day of my long run. It’s Wednesday, the boys are out at nursery, I have no worries about being quick and back home before they overwhelm the husbandface with noise and shouts of mine, mine, mine. I walk up the steps, click the button marked run on my fitbit, check the phone and once up out on the path I hit start on the mapmyrun app. The first kilometre is hard going. Straight away the pavement goes up and I try and find my running pace. I like that the first part of the run is up hill, it gives my lungs space to hurt and then find their rhythm again. It seems to help with the rest of the hills. I pause in my thoughts and turn to my childhood holidays where mountains played an integral part. Maybe I think exercise should always start with up because it is deeply ingrained in the fibre of my being. I miss mountains. I miss mountains. Anyway, focus on what is in front of me, not what I can’t have.

Up and up I go, the road gently leading me up and up to the top of the bowl of green we live on. I push forward and breathe with relief as my feet find the dirt track which curls around to the edge of Brighton and beyond. Undulating up and down over 2k there and 2k back again. I run on, my thoughts wandering all over the place, I stare at the lush crazy different shades of green all around and marvel at the changes that have occurred since the winter. My legs feel good, my arms move up and down, up and down, my lungs protest at the muggy air, breathing deep feels hard but I move on. Down the hill and past the turn off if I was going to do a 3k route. Up the hill again and past the cow fields to the end of the track, hitting the lamppost at the end junction I turn around and jog back down the hill. Here I know it will get harder. My feet move me past the turn off again and back up the hill. I hit 4k and know it is a hard slog up this hill. I stare at the ground and think of metaphors for life. Just keep going this next step, don’t look at the vast hill in front of me. Keep going. Keep going. This is all you have. This next step. One Direction burst into my ears and I move my arms to the rhythm of ‘Drag me Down’. It seems to help. I breathe deep and deeper and hit the brow feeling glad as my legs continue to dance along. Past some dogs, thankfully on leads, and around the corner to the last stretch. Beyond the 5k mark.

I wonder how I’ll manage to do that all over again, as I have to in the 10k I will run at the beginning of July. I push the thought to the back of my mind and remember that running events always feel different. Lots of bodies together running makes it easier to keep going. There’s another metaphor there somewhere but I’m too lazy to unpack it right now. I breathe. I run. I still find this road strange having run it in the dark so often this past winter. Now the woods are less creepy and I can see the undulating pavement easier. The house with all the junk outside it still makes me run a little faster though. Some kind of adrenaline rush courses through my body, I feel good, I feel so good. Ed Sheeran in my ears helps me pick up the pace and my legs still feel like they could do more. Time for the last bit down the steep hill and around the corner to home.

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