The Long Walk Home

What I’ve been reading, the January Edition…

Posted on February 7, 2018 by Kath

Time seems to be moving at an all too rapid pace right now. So before February has disappeared, here’s what I read in January:

Liturgy of the Ordinary- Tish Harrison Warren

A brilliant book which takes you through an ordinary day finding God in the midst of the everyday stuff we do. The first chapter on waking up and starting the day from a place of being worthy feels like a theme of the year that I will come back to time and time again. This book felt like a really refreshing drink of a read, reminding me about the good things of belonging to the Maker all over again.

Turtles all the way Down- John Green

I love John and Hank Green, we’ve been watching their YouTube videos for a while and love their refreshingly positive look on the world – the kind that acknowledges the crap but then looks for the hope and the good in the midst of it all – not cheesy but believers in the reality that kindness and hope make a difference in our world. John has been very honest about his struggles with OCD and wider mental health issues. These things also play out in this book. I really enjoyed it for a closer look of what it’s like to live with OCD and anxiety. It also made me cry loads at the end but I’ll not spoil it for you…

A Song for Issy Bradley- Carys Bray

I’m not sure if I liked this but I couldn’t put it down. It was very unsettling, child deaths and a very religious family raised all of my fear levels. Unsettling but kind of hopeful. Maybe.

Braving the Wilderness- Brene Brown

One of the first must read books of the year. This felt so important in our age of echo chambers and only hearing voices that agree with us. Brene argues for a bigger picture. More interaction with those who think differently to us. More nuance and understanding. More people standing in the wilderness and belonging out there between the silos of opinions in this world. Oh so good. Read it now.

I thought there would be cake- Katherine Welby-Roberts

A quiet kind of a read. Reflections from someone attempting to wrestle with where we find our worth and value and how to start to believe in the reality of a God who really actually loves us. An interesting and reflective read on the start of a journey into maturity.

Champion- Sarah Millican

I refer to Sarah as my new best friend because I loved this read and have started mainlining her excellent podcast Standard Issue- a magazine type show for women that doesn’t really care about the traditional things women’s magazines tend to involve. It also involves lots of funny women having hilarious chats. I think it’s because Sarah is around my age that I have really enjoyed her reflections on life so far. I’m also going through a bit of an only reading things written by women stage at the moment. (That’s a blog post in itself.) I’m loving the different voices I’m hearing and starting to own and love the reality that I am a women too. (Part of me thinks it’s odd that it’s taken 40 years but at least I’m catching up with, deeply loving and identifying with the voices of women)

My Animals and other Family- Clare Balding

Yep, another woman I now love. This one contains stories from her childhood and teenage years mainly told through the horses she owned and rode. Again, reading about a woman forging her own path in a world that was very anti women doing anything has nurtured my love of being a woman and the voices of women. (Maybe that blogpost will come soon…).

The Road Back to You- Ian Morgan Cron & Suzanne Stabile

Everyone (might be an exaggeration) at our church seems to be slightly obsessed with the Enneagram. We thought it might be time to get on the bandwagon. This is a really helpful clear introduction to it all. On the surface it can seem to be a bit of a personality analysis tool but it’s actually way deeper and more profound than a Myers Briggs type thing.

The book had a really helpful emphasis on understanding and having compassion on each other as we try and work out who we are and the things that affect how we relate to the world around us. I found it very helpful and am looking forward to finding out more. This year I feel like I’m on a journey to know who God has truly made me and enjoy the freedom which comes with that discovery. The enneagram definitely seems to be a good companion on that journey.

(It does come with a health warning not to start labelling all your friends and family with numbers that they might not understand, saying oh you’re such a 7 might not be such a helpful thing to do with it… Also this book was easy to read and funny. That’s a good combination.)

Cartes Postales- Victoria Hislop

Short stories from the Greek Islands, a lovely varied read.

The Music Shop- Rachel Joyce

I loved this book so so much. It was a celebration of all that music can do to your soul and I was reminded how much I love music all over again. If you love music and a collection of slightly eccentric characters this one is for you.

Over to you- what books have you been loving this month?

Posted in Life on the journey | Tagged books, family, liturgy, Music, reading, turtles, women | 4 Comments

Weekly round up. Once more.

Posted on February 2, 2018 by Kath

I squint at my watch.

4.40.

The small boy next to me wiggles and whispers a cute wakey wakey in my ear.

I growl a shhhhhh and turn over, he mutters back into sleep and I listen to funny women on my latest podcast obsession. The ladies of Standard Issue (well worth a listen) amuse me back into a coma until.

6.35.

The small one grabs my face with his tiny hands. One day he won’t want to do this and so I begrudgingly breathe in his gorgeousness until he cries out ‘I want the grumpy one’. Er. The grumpy what? The grumpy suit instead of the happy one? I switch the light on and we confusingly rub our eyes at each other until he demands carries down the ‘dairs.

I stumble into coffee.

We all navigate each other in the morning. Sometimes well. Sometimes not so well.

The small ones run down the hill to school. Vague goodbyes, faces already absorbed in the fun in front of them.

Lighter I walk up the hill.

Clothes exchanged for running gear and I head up and down hills, my brain chugs away on self analysis and just why I was sad this morning. More to dump at my counsellors door this coming week.

Red faced I return to the house, dancing long to songs from years and years ago, awaking memories and a sense of me before all of this.

I run for the bus. Make it. Sit down. Write. Head up. We are here.

Opening the door to a friend’s coffee shop. Warmth and familiarity hitting my gaze, hugs, smiles and joy as I sit and drink coffee.

Three friends. We sit and chat. And chat and chat some more. Skimming stones of conversations. Inspiring other thoughts and topics. Jumping around and pouring out. So many thoughts, threads and themes.

Now back on the bus. Head aching from no lunch yet and listening hard.

So much to process from our conversation, thoughts to write down and spill out.

Pause.

It’s easier to write descriptive pieces.

But.

In the spirit of this being a round up of the week and not just a day in the life thing…

We’ve had another normal week. With our ordinary issues. Dealing with son1’s grumps post school. Trying to get son2 to not shout his demands like a mini dictator at us. Getting back into running. Seeing friends. Celebrating another year of my Mum. Sleepless nights. Big Bang Theory. Walking up and down and up and down the hill. Miscommunication. Not really understanding myself or why I am reacting the way I am. Some connections and theories rising to the surface. Assurances of love. Meals with new friends. A walk on the downs in the sunny sunshine. Noting once more the new space we dwell in right now. Working through the monthly budget. Smiles. Cuddles. Tears. Peace. Tentatively exploring all things enneagram and the start of knowing ourselves more. The joy of conversations all through the week about this muddled thing we call life.

It’s been ordinary on one level and yet still extraordinary. Having energy to hang out with others is a new thing. We are still adjusting to what we can and can’t handle. Getting back to trying to communicate beyond what is necessary with each other is still a new thing in our life together. I want to remember to talk about what is in my head. Because, you know, we can do that again.

These days of space at the end of the week are wonderful but I’m slowly discovering that life expands to fill whatever space there is. If I want to write then I must make time. These days will always be full of running, cleaning, people and reading. Those are my natural go to things which require very little from me to make happen.

There will be few moments of twiddling my thumbs thinking ‘ooo I shall write now’. If I want it to happen I need to make it happen. Which makes me wonder if actually I’m just happy hanging out, going with the flow of stuff to do rather than making an intentional space. Or. Maybe I’m scared of the space. Who knows. One to think about some more.

Right, somehow pick up time has rolled around again.

Happy Friday one and all.

How was your week?

Posted in Life on the journey | Tagged conversations, friends, joy, life, son1, son2, thoughts, week, writing | Leave a comment

Friday roundup…

Posted on January 26, 2018 by Kath

Today I’m writing from the lovely farmhouse that our church is renting with the idea of some kind of community forming out here. Whilst that vision is developing we are using it in various forms and ways. Thus I find myself sitting in a room listening to people making soup in the kitchen, small children are being taken outside for a walk and a friend is reading by the fire. Every other Friday some of us are gathering out here to relax, create, read, walk, soak up some pretty time and maybe ponder what the future might be for this space.

It’s a lovely place to be on my day off. This week has been another good one. A week of embedding into life in this new routine. A week of reminding myself that it’s ok to enjoy life. A great session with my counsellor helped me think through the idea that as people we are made to flourish. She talked about the flourishing aspects of nature and internally I could feel my thoughts turning to reject such a notion. I am much quicker to see the decay, the darkness, the death of nature. But, as the next few months will show us, nature flourishes. Green shoots are already coming out of the ground. Snowdrops followed by daffodils followed by bluebells are soon to be seen all over our estate. It is ok to be in a season of flourishing. And yes, we are only two weeks into this new season but already I can feel my soul unfurling. I’m fighting my need to add caveats of maybe it will all end tomorrow. But I am trying to embrace joy, trying to feel it deeply rather than dismissing it or being scared that it will leave again.

Small pause whilst I talked to interesting people and ate amazing lunch.

After a lovely morning I’m now back in the more familiar zone of my house with the small people laughing at Peppa pig in the background. They are both hoping I’ll fall asleep so they can watch all the tv. They may be in luck today. No sleep with a small boy coughing in my face all night has led me to a tired zoned out kind of afternoon. But. The joy is still lurking. The sun shines wide and light seems to be streaming in once more. We have a fairly chilled weekend ahead of us and I am grateful for the slow pace right now.

How’s your week been?

Mmm. This sofa is so comfy. I might just lie down and close my eyes. Mmmmmmmm.

Posted in Ramblings | 1 Comment

Weekly round up…

Posted on January 19, 2018 by Kath

It’s Friday morning, the sun is streaming through the windows our living room, highlighting the vast amount of small people smear marks all over the place. I shall resist getting out the window cleaner until the sun disappears tomorrow and the marks are hidden once more.

I’ve just been for an 8k run up and down the green hills around the back of our house.

Martyn Joseph is pounding out of my speakers in an effort to drown out the loud silence all around the house. For the first time in a year the house is still. There is no-one asleep upstairs, there are no small people running around demanding I play with them. There is just me, a hot cup of tea and a whole load of space. (actually 3 hours of space but still, 3 hours…)

We have had a week of starting to learn the art of long distance running. We have slowly figured out what combination of routine works best in the morning, how to get us all dressed and fed in fairly good moods and ready to head out of the house to face the day. Mostly it works when I have coffee and Bible first thing, then shower, then interaction with my lovely family. Mostly it works if son1 gets dressed before husbandface leaves for work. Mostly we are learning.

Son2 has settled into the world of nursery in a week of great change, no longer is the beloved Daddy around all the time and now he is hanging out in the place he’s briefly visited for over a year. Now he has a book bag of his own and can choose a book each day to take home. Now he has his own lunchbox and water bottle. Now he gives me his huggle, kiss and a smell and then heads off to play. I now return home three times a week with no children around me. I think this world will take some getting used to.

Already I feel lighter, more able to cope. Already, though, I have all the feelings about this new stage, relief that we’ve made it through the baby and toddler years, gladness that finally I have my craved for space after 5 years of waiting. Wonder that we’ve made it this far, amazement at the two delightful boys who trail up the hill together. I also feel the fear of sending them out into this world, knowing I cannot control the choices they make, knowing that they will get hurt and hurt others. I feel the call to make this home their safe refuge in the midst of all their storms. I feel the terror of what next and the hope of what next and the daily daily daily just keep putting one foot in front of the other and we’ll get there. I feel the call of the ordinary wonder, the meaning in the unseen, the reality of a God who is in All Things.

I ran and ran today, not chasing the speed of the sprint but the long long long slow pace of someone who just needs to keep moving. This appears to be my metaphor for the year, long and slow. Not rushing. Being here. Loving the people around us. Not wishing time away in dreams of a converted van (one day, one day…), not scared of what this empty space means, not rushing to find the meaning because the meaning is already here. The meaning is in today. Looking up, looking around, noticing the world and having the strength to keep on putting one foot in front of the other.

I have no idea what shape the space of these hours will take but for now there is a book and a sofa awaiting me before I eat lunch and pick up the smallest of our team. That’s a good kind of small.

How’s your week been?

Posted in Life on the journey | Tagged friday, hope, husbandface, meaning, running, son2, space, week | Leave a comment

Weekly roundup…

Posted on January 13, 2018 by Kath

Somehow we’ve made it through our last week of being out of routine. Next week husbandface starts his new job, son2 will start at his new nursery and we will plunge into some kind of new normal.

This week has mainly been about fighting the large black cloud of January. I really struggle with this month. It’s been hideously dark in the days and I am finding no motivation to live well. I know I need to eat well, run and read in order to thrive in this life. Somehow hiding on the sofa under a blanket whilst consuming every last sweet thing in the house feels much more satisfying. Except it’s not. I wouldn’t mind if it was. But. I operate better with regular exercise and eating vaguely healthy things. This week it’s all gone a bit wrong…

Ah well.

The small voice of self kindness is whispering in the back of my mind. Something about being slow, kind, gentle and patient with myself. Something about my worth being bound up in a great love that transcends circumstances, choices that aren’t all that great and the dark gloom that encircles me.

The black dog has loomed large this week but there are things that can shrink it.

So.

The good in the midst of the bad and ugly has been:

Some nights in my bed without the smallest one on my face. Slowly we make progress with his sleep- thanks to the amazing patience of the lovely husbandface.

Fun times with the boys. Being amused by their interactions and general increased ability to communicate slightly better than a couple of months ago.

Small signs of spring on the way. A purple flower in a hedge on a gloomy walk around our streets. Sun bursting in the distance through the murk across a stormy sea. The parting of grey clouds to reveal blue sky beneath. Birds singing at twilight. A sunny morning run along the seafront. Face turned up towards the sky trying to soak in every ounce of vitamin D from the sun before it left again.

Sitting in my counselling room reflecting on change in my approach to myself.

Sitting in my spiritual directors house noting change and the return of ordinary issues in after the massive bolder of the last year and a half has been moved away.

Laughing wryly with the lovely husbandface at the return of the old issues, grateful that maybe we have a chance to tackle them and see how we’ve changed as they return.

Husbandface’s face.

Sitting in a pub with a new friend, deeply loving the indulgence of Friday night drinks away from bedtime in our respective houses. Swimming the depths chats. Mmmm.

Son2’s insistence on being a dog for the whole of a 45 min walk on the seafront.

Son2’s excitement about starting his new nursery this coming week.

Drumming at my African Drumming class. Being made to solo and kind of loving finding the rhythm and doing some big hitting around it, in it and through it.

A slow Saturday start. Brownies at the market. Park with the small ones. Coffee in hand.

Onward we go through January… How’s your week been?

Posted in Life on the journey | Tagged drumming, gloom, husbandface, january, Light, son2, spring, sun, week | Leave a comment