The Long Walk Home

So, I was sitting at a Jools Holland gig last night, we were at Audley End house in Saffron Walden enjoying the fine company of many people eating posh picnics and lapping up a summers evening of Blues. The Blues has to be the best kind of music, I’m sure if my soul has a rhythm it’s 12/8. You don’t get much more melancholic than the Blues, or any more uplifting when it swings into a boogie; ‘life is rubbish so lets dance the night away’ kind of mood.

The best song of the night for such a sentiment was the delightful “Enjoy yourself” by the Specials.

“Enjoy yourself, it’s later than you think
Enjoy yourself, while you’re still in the pink
The years go by, as quickly as you wink
Enjoy yourself, enjoy yourself, it’s later than you think”

There was plenty of melancholy as well, not this song exactly, but it does sum up everything that is great about the Blues.

“Just when every ray of hope was gone
I should have known that you would come along
I can’t believe I ever doubted you
My old friend the blues
Another lonely night, a nameless town
If sleep don’t take me first, you’ll come around
‘Cause I know I can always count on you
My old friend the blues

Lovers leave and friends will let you down
But you’re the only sure thing that I’ve found
No matter what I do I’ll never lose
My old friend the blues

Just let me hide my weary heart in you
My old friend the blues”

See perfect music to sooth the depths of the soul, and reach into the darkness of my heart and meander through my overactive brain. There were times when I forgot my thoughts and just enjoyed the pleasure of dancing with an old friend. Glad in the moment to know that whatever changes the next few years may bring we’ll still be able to head off together and enjoy road trips, summers evenings watching the sunset and chats that descend to the depths and overanalyse this crazy life. The most amusing moment of the evening was watching the small child in front of us have a tantrum and go into one of the best sulks ever. We mused on how painful that feeling is, the agony of wanting attention and a hug, but the pride of refusing to ask for such unconditional love, the only thing you want in a spiky sulk is a hug and someone to tell you they love you and yet that’s precisely what you rejected for some reason that isn’t quite clear now.

I wanted to say, ‘ah do you remember those days, the sulking days, the over dramatics of it all, and isn’t it good to be past such days’. But I can’t, my sulking days are very much with me, I just know how to hide it better (or like to think I do). Sulking at God is so destructive and yet I carry on, presenting the spiky annoyed little girl to Him knowing that all I really want Him to do is give me a hug and tell me that He loves me, and yet my pride, stubbornness and other hidden dark things stop me. The thing is, the sulks never lasted. When I was a teenager on walks with my family I would sulk for about half the walk, irritated, angry and stubborn, at some point on the walk something would change, it became too tiring to be spiky for so long and I would give in to all I wanted and creep up to Mum or Dad for a hug. I’d say sorry and I’d have a great final bit of the walk (apologies to the parents who were probably totally fed up with me by this point!). It’s too tiring to sulk at God, raging at infinity feels like shouting at the Grand Canyon to move. Sooner or later I’m going to have to turn around, say sorry and accept that unconditional love really lives up to it’s name.

I’m back, and in the tired spaced out bit of being back. Yesterday was the over excited talk until you bore the people you are talking to, trying to explain experiences that you’ve had and trying to explain why some things are so funny, bit. Today it’s the loneliness of realising that I’m back, that there aren’t six people or more constantly around me to share this life with. I’m in the zone of being exhausted by a trip to Tescos, I honestly picked up an apple today and was amazed at it’s shinny red skin smooth in my hand. Oh dear. I’ve been without sleep, vegatables and fruit for too long now.

I know this is the weird bit and that coming soon are the glad to be back with the CD collection, appreciation of being on holiday, remembering that God exists here, and catching up with friends bits. But for now look at where I was for the last two weeks.

Yesterday we went on a two hour boat trip to another seaside town, we played cards, drank beer in the sunshine and ate some good Bulgarian food. Later on we introduced Bulgarians and Americans to the ancient art of enjoying a children’s party. We played musical Statues, musical bumps and fruit salad, we ate dolly mixtures. Hmmm. Mission eh, it’s not so bad after all.

That’s the sublime stuff, the rest is harder, focus through tiredness and continuing to try and bridge the cultural divide is less easy to produce. In short, life remains the same whether you are one side of Europe or the other. It’s as difficult and as wonderful as ever. It is good to escape everything though, being with one group of people for 2 weeks is remarkably freeing. Somewhat more disconcerting is my overwhelming need to speak very slowly, point, make extravagant hand gestures and completely fail to construct sentences. Still on a positive note, I learnt what an antonym is today. The Bulgarians are teaching us lots of English.

I would write that in Bulgarian, but that would require me to be able to write Bulgarian. It’s day 6 and I still haven’t managed that yet. Well I’ve found an internet cafe, and an afternoon off and so it’s time for some updates from the adventures in Bulgaria. Well, a very brief update. All is good here, I think we’ve all adjusted to life here now and today is the first day I haven’t felt really tired which is a good thing!

Actually I have no idea what to write here that isn’t over long or platitudes. So erm, it’s great to talk about Jesus with people, pray for more of that, it’s great to do cross cultural stuff, so pray for more understanding and willingness to be understanding across the three cultures here. It’s tiring, so pray for energy, more awareness of what God is doing and trust in Him to work through his body here. It’s easy to compare how we are doing with the American team so pray we wouldn’t! Pray that we all chill, do the job of loving each other that God gives us each moment and rejoice together in His work.

Last night we introduced people to Marmite and Scones, they were less impressed with the former! But one person liked it, my job here is done! Right, time is running out. Pray hard for the rest of camp and for safety in getting home.

Well, the Bluefish has been at work again, proving that all he does all day is play around on the internet. Seriously though, thanks go to him for not sticking with UCCF colours and making things look better around these blogs.

And so it is that I leave these screens once more, head off to the other side of Europe and attempt to tell people about the true nature of reality. I’m going to Bulgaria with a lovely team at stupid o’clock tomorrow morning. If you pray, pray for us, for safety, good travel, good relationships with each other and the Bulgarians, and for more delight in the works and ways of the Maker himself. I’ve been reminded today that He’s working for Good in this world, and is a God who delights in using the weak and foolish things to shame the wise and to demonstrate His power. I get to be a part of that everyday, and on this summer trip which is a very Good Thing.

Right, I have some more of my Birthday to enjoy, a friend to hang out with this afternoon and a long long journey to look forward to tomorrow. If I get near an internet cafe I’ll post something interesting up here, but until then, go and read a book, it’s so much more worthwhile.

Oh and just to reassure some of you, and disturb others, the flame for Neighbours hasn’t yet died, Karl is back, Susan has a family around her again and is doing her Julie Andrews act again, it’s all going to be ok.