Advent 9

Posted on December 8, 2011 by Kath

This week is my last week at the place I’ve been working for 3 years. When I started working for Macmillan Cancer Support I wanted a job that I didn’t have to take home at night, a job that would give me some skills outside the Christian Ministry world. I wanted to work in a friendly office and also, lets face it, pay the bills.

Strangely the familiar world of the fundraising office that I’ve worked over these last three years has been the only thing that hasn’t changed in a world that has been full of change. I’ve moved four times, changed churches, met a man, went out with him, got engaged and then got married, he changed jobs, we toyed with leaving Brighton, we decided to stay forever (or until a big neon light pointed us elsewhere), I went part time with Macmillan (the best decision ever) and we lived with my mother in law’s cancer diagnosis and her death back in September. Throughout it all it’s been strangely reassuring to climb the stairs to the office, sit amidst the Macmillan green, bank money, support people in their fundraising and enjoy a bit of office banter.

I’m moving on to an exciting and challenging role with Off the Fence in Brighton and although right now I’m a bit scared I know it’s the right move, it will be good to move into a role that stretches me more, it’s good to move on. But I am thankful for my time with Macmillan, I’m grateful for the new skills I’ve learnt and I’m grateful to have made some new friends. I’ve battled constantly with the tension between ‘just’ doing an admin job and seeing the dignity and worth in doing it well. I haven’t won that battle by any stretch of the imagination, I think the battle to fight for my identity to be in more than jobs, roles or things I do will go on for a long time.  I think that might be one of the constant fundamental battles of life and I’m glad I have learnt that at least.

From Tuesday morning I will live in that world between jobs, knowing that a new and challenging world awaits but also knowing that for now I can lie down in a green pasture and rest. Throughout the last three years there has been something else, someone else who hasn’t changed. I am still held in his arms, he is still my shepherd, my friend, my God and the One who has patiently held me in the dark nights, heard my cries and forgiven my many sins. The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not be in want. Jesus Christ is the same, yesterday, today and forever. In his arms I place my soul and rest.

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Advent 8

Posted on December 6, 2011 by Kath

There is a vineyard in Italy where the vines grow on a slope which faces all kinds of bad weather, the soil is rocky and the conditions don’t look good for producing anything approaching fine wine. As we wandered around the vineyard last year the manager told us that the wine from these vines was the best, that years of struggling to grow in adverse conditions produced a crop which out shone the other vines that grew in pleasant sunshine all year round.

I was chatting to a work colleague yesterday who was explaining a problem with his knee. The problem was that there wasn’t enough of a problem, he had something wrong with his tendon and the only way to fix it was to make it worse. The only way his body would wake up and realise healing needed to start was to damage it further. He needs keyhole surgery not to fix his knee but to scrape the tendon some more so his body can start healing.

There’s a place, no wait, there are many places in the Bible which echo this experience. Our faith hinges around a man who came not to conquer and rule but to suffer and serve, we live in a broken world and we ourselves are broken. Suffering is part of our lives. We are told not to be surprised when it happens, we are told to remember God cares for us in the midst of it and we are told that it’s not pleasant at the time but later a harvest of righteousness will come.

In the midst of pain that’s a twinkling star in the otherwise black sky, but it’s a pinprick of light nonetheless. We follow the pattern laid out in this world, suffering and pain are sometimes needed for greater healing. The night sky is darkest before the dawn. There is hope in this world. There is awaiting a harvest, a home and a welcome.

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Advent 7

Posted on December 4, 2011 by Kath

Just about the prettiest version of this song.

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Advent 6

Posted on December 2, 2011 by Kath

Some questions:

What do we need advent for?
Why do I need a month of remembering, reflecting, hoping and longing?
Why do we stop and look at the view at this time of year?
Why do we open calendars and live with expectation?
Surely it can’t be for a day of TV, disappointing presents and awkward family moments?
Why do we need to remember a baby born in a smelly stable 2000 or so years ago?
Why does that moment burst forth across the pages of history like a bright blazing star?
What’s the deal with this Advent thing?

Some answers:

This world is broken.
Look around you once in a while.
Something is not right, there is an ache that won’t go away, broken relationships are all around us.
We fight to be noticed, we fight to be right, we fight to put a marker in the sand that will stop the inevitable tide of time turning and one day running out.
We die.
We are in sorrow.
We are torn apart and even our best moments fade away like the morning mist.

And that’s still not the biggest problem we face.

We’ve run away from home, we’ve thrown away the love of our Father.
We’ve taken life into our own hands.
We have rebelled and we live lives for our own good, for selfish gain, we are envious, we are proud and we think we can sort it out on our own.
I am self righteous, I am a gossip, I am jealous, I am full of anger, I judge people.
I cannot stop these things on my own.
I need forgiveness, I need saving.

I need someone to come and bring me home.

I need someone to breathe new life into these bones and establish me in the ways of love in this world.
I need to live in a Kingdom that is not my own.

We need this advent time, not as a whirlwind countdown until Christmas day but as a time of searching our hearts, rending our garments, falling down under the weight of our need so the hope tastes sweeter day by day. So we see more glorious the reality of Emmanuel, God come to us, God here with us, God taking us by the hand and walking through this life with us. Advent tells us this was no easy journey.

Here we sit and wait and feel the weight of brokenness in our heart and this world.

And here we start to hear the angels sing.

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Advent 5: Looking at the view

Posted on December 1, 2011 by Kath

I’ve been looking back at old blog posts, always an entertaining read for seeing what I was up to this time of year for the last 6 years or so. I started to get bored by the similarities. Each year I struggle with the darkness in November, each year I long for Advent and the light and hope brought into the darkness by remembering the wonder of Emmanuel.

Looking back has reminded me that although this life is a long one each year has stable consistent elements within it, each year has a liturgy of the ordinary, I do similar things each year, the seasons come and go, my unstable heart flits and flies and struggles on with the same old sins, but there has been and is hope throughout the years. I don’t need a different story, a different set of experiences each year. As I look back over my life I realise that being reminded of the same things again and again keeps me going. I need the old old story told to me many many times to impact the particular expression of my struggle to live well today.

The circumstances of my life have changed dramatically in the last few years, the people who read these rambling thoughts have changed over the last few years, yet there are consistent threads, I still struggle with depression, I still need reminding of the hope of a God who came to dwell with us, I still battle with pride and envy and I still need to be confronted with the best love there has ever been to keep me humble, grateful and content. Life is a long journey, there are many things that stay the same each year and I think I’m starting to be grateful for that. I climb further up the spiral staircase and see a different perspective on the struggles and the joys.

I think I’ve realised that writing a blog post about a thought or a reflection on this world doesn’t mean that issue is now sewn up for good. (as I write that I see how ridiculous that sounds). I’ve realised it’s ok to bang on about the same things because I am a forgetful creature, writing about a thought doesn’t mean it’s been lived deeply yet. There are things on my blog that come around time and time again because I’m still living this life, I’m still figuring out how to hope, how to keep believing, how to keep loving. I’m going to be writing about these things until the end of my life because I don’t think I’ll ever have it all sorted. Each reflection on this life that I write here brings me closer to remembering to live it out well in the everyday moments of life.

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