I’ve been looking back at old blog posts, always an entertaining read for seeing what I was up to this time of year for the last 6 years or so. I started to get bored by the similarities. Each year I struggle with the darkness in November, each year I long for Advent and the light and hope brought into the darkness by remembering the wonder of Emmanuel.
Looking back has reminded me that although this life is a long one each year has stable consistent elements within it, each year has a liturgy of the ordinary, I do similar things each year, the seasons come and go, my unstable heart flits and flies and struggles on with the same old sins, but there has been and is hope throughout the years. I don’t need a different story, a different set of experiences each year. As I look back over my life I realise that being reminded of the same things again and again keeps me going. I need the old old story told to me many many times to impact the particular expression of my struggle to live well today.
The circumstances of my life have changed dramatically in the last few years, the people who read these rambling thoughts have changed over the last few years, yet there are consistent threads, I still struggle with depression, I still need reminding of the hope of a God who came to dwell with us, I still battle with pride and envy and I still need to be confronted with the best love there has ever been to keep me humble, grateful and content. Life is a long journey, there are many things that stay the same each year and I think I’m starting to be grateful for that. I climb further up the spiral staircase and see a different perspective on the struggles and the joys.
I think I’ve realised that writing a blog post about a thought or a reflection on this world doesn’t mean that issue is now sewn up for good. (as I write that I see how ridiculous that sounds). I’ve realised it’s ok to bang on about the same things because I am a forgetful creature, writing about a thought doesn’t mean it’s been lived deeply yet. There are things on my blog that come around time and time again because I’m still living this life, I’m still figuring out how to hope, how to keep believing, how to keep loving. I’m going to be writing about these things until the end of my life because I don’t think I’ll ever have it all sorted. Each reflection on this life that I write here brings me closer to remembering to live it out well in the everyday moments of life.