The Long Walk Home

I’ve been inspired by the recent trickle of people saying that they read this blog to write more random burblings from my mind. I’ve been thinking a bit recently about the nature of blogs. Which I’m sure comes to every blogger once in a while. In a ‘what is the point of this’ type way. I think secretly (or not so secretly now) I’m attempting to reassure myself once again that it is a good thing to be me. Not in a deeply narcissistic, ‘oo I’m the centre of the universe’ way. But in a ‘ah God made me me for a reason’. (which reminds me of a song..).

I’ve been musing on the point of this space in relation to other ‘Christian’ blogs. (by nature this is a Christian blog because I am a Christian and these are my thoughts.) Some of the blogs I’ve skimmed across seem to be very into discussing ‘theology’ and issues, and all the rest. It is tempting, for me, to think that is a more worthy thing to read, write and think about, and to want to try and do that myself. But I think this blog is all about living with the theology. I turn to my old friend to try and explain what I mean. Mr Peterson, the platform is yours:

“’Theology’ is the attention that we give to God, the effort we give to knowing God as revealed in the Holy Scriptures and in Jesus Christ. ‘Spiritual’ is the insistence that everything that God reveals of himself is capable of being lived out by ordinary men and women in their homes and workplaces. ‘Spiritual’ keeps ‘theology’ from degenerating into merely thinking and talking and writing about God at a distance. ‘Theology’ keeps ‘spiritual’ from becoming merely thinking and talking and writing about the feelings and thoughts one has about God. The two words need each other, for we know how easy it is for us to let our study of God (theology) get separated from the way we live; we also know how easy it is to let our desires to live whole and satisfying lives (spiritual lives) get disconnected from who God actually is and the ways he works amongst us.” (E.Peterson- Christ Plays in Ten Thousand Places)

Naturally I am more drawn towards the ‘spiritual’ side of this seesaw. And so I need the ones who are more drawn towards the ‘theology’ side to remind me what all my thoughts and feelings are really based on. We need ‘theology’ but we need to remember the context in which we discuss it. The reality of God and who he really is lived out in my relationships, my workplace, my thoughts and actions.

I think there needs to be more welding of the two sides together. (they may be a false dichotomy as to take one side away from the other leaves mere empty words)

I want to be able to express all I know of the truth of God, and how he works in this world, in ways that relate to living life. To apply all I know of the maker of this world into how I live and breathe and walk around this earth. To explore how that works in creative ways. As I said when I started I don’t want to recount diary moments in my life, but I do want to share and start conversations about the reality all around us. The truth about who we are and why we are here. And to do so in language that is accessible and relational. But not in a way that leaves the attention on us as humans. But that brings the attention back to the one who made us, loves us, gave everything for us. Because gazing at His face brings us hope and gazing into the eyes that know everything we’ve done but that don’t turn away is the best news in the world.

As the body of Christ we need each other to help one another think about different aspects of this truth we live with. I like the blogs that make me think more about ‘theology’ and critcally about stuff. But maybe this might be bringing balance to the force. (ahem)

Messed up again
trampled your grace
under my feet.
Forgot the reality
that holds me
to this earth.
Messed up again
Failed to call you
who you are
Lord of all.
Maker of my tangled
soul.
Chose the easy
slope
chose to fall.
Instead of giving
you my all.
Messed up again

Coming back again
Tell me this isn’t it,
tell me that there
is more than this.
Tell me that story
again.
The one where you
fight it out for me
Where you pay no
regard for payment,
for earnings, for deserving.
But carry on loving beyond
the hardness of my heart.
Coming back again
tell me there is a
welcome here
A grace that frees this
past.
Coming back again
tell me you can soften a heart
as hard as this.

This quote cheered me. Immensely. It so against the prevailing message in our world at the moment. We are not defined by our sexual actions but by something much greater. And the best intimacy doesn’t need to involve sex. Freedom. This really needs to be shouted from the roof tops.

“If in our lives there is no sexual union with another, perhaps because we have accepted celibacy, or gone through bereavement, illness or divorce, we are no less fully human and fully sexual. Deeply satisfying human intimacy, whether in marriage or outside, is in the end not dependant on copulation but on a faithful sharing of our hearts and lives with those whom we love, and a longing for their well being and peace. For it is then that ‘God can be God and love be gift.” (Elaine Storkey- The Search for Intimacy)

As this is pt one – here’s two albums you should own right now. Music will provide the light you cannot resist as REM have clearly stated, and music provides the backdrop to my life. So here’s a couple of albums that have been in my head this week.

First up the gorgeous Laura Veirs, with Years of Meteors, new to me this week. She writes beautiful poetry and does amazing things with words. If you adore beautfiul music, that is occasionally achingly sad, go buy.

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Second up a classic that has followed me around this month, mainly due to the lovely Sam who I work with. We’ve played it very loudly several times on road trips, and if you don’t own it, well it’s your loss, but you are missing out. Lots. Paul Simon is a genius and that is nevermore demonstrated than on Graceland.

Every song works and does magic things. The bass solo on “You can call me Al” makes me take my hands off the steering wheel and play air bass. “Under African Skies” sends shivers up my spine and “Graceland” makes me want to cry. I’ve listened to this album for the last 14 or so years and it remains fresh and alive. Own it. Now.

Well, it’s Friday night and I’m sitting in my friends house on baby sitting duties. Time for a little reflection on life and some much needed space at the end of a long week. Tiredness is something that is rarely recognised as an serious point of disscussion, after all most of the time we are tired and most of the time there is little we can do about it. Seemingly. I’ve had a few months of not being tired and I forgot the numbing affect of tiredness on my brain. Everything seems much worse than it actually is when I am tired. Tiredness seeps through every thought, every pore of my being and leads me down paths I would rather not take.

Tiredness makes me cry, makes me see this job in negative terms, changes situations that should bring joy into chores, turns trust in God into unbelief and doubt, turns people into projects to groan about and, well, you get the picture. Partly the battle is won through acknowledging that tiredness is the cause of the negative emotions, the struggles to believe and to respond by going to bed. But over time tiredness builds up until I don’t recognise it as such anymore. Then the reality around me takes a darker tinge as I sink into doubt, rebellion and forgetfulness. Is there a solution?

I think the answer lies in the one who invented rest, who gave us a Sabbath to remind us of who is really in control in this universe. Who enables me to recognise this haze of tiredness for what it is. I am tempted into rubbising God, wishing he was a magician who could solve my every need and in whining to Him. But I can chose whether to believe that version of events, or to line myself up with the truth, however distant and hazy it may seem. Hard to do. But I want to do it. I don’t want to head back down the road of rebellion. I want to lift my head up to the one who sings a sweeter song than anything else in this world. To rest my head on His shoulders and let him sing me to sleep.

He knows the groanings of our souls and he has strength to guide us home. This work is draining and tiring, but there is a fountain of life out there. I want to learn to tap into that. And to know that it’s ok just to sit and groan in His arms. He understands that language. Elijah needed a long sleep, some food and water after his epic experience with the prophets of Baal, and an encounter with the living God. I like the practical nature of the maker of the universe. He knows what we need and he knows how to look after us.

I guess we just all need help in recoginising which emotions are as a result of long hard days listening to people, helping out with situations, caring about people and driving (!) and know when to just go to bed. There are many other things that make me depressed, rebellious and strange, but tiredness is something I can do something about. Remind myself of the God who loves me and go to sleep in His arms.