What happens when our ideas of God become our god?

Welcome to a meandering conversation between me and my Maker from one of my recent daily walks.

I started with a question:

What happens when our ideas of you become their own god?

And an observation:

We seem to want a system. A neat ordered space full of our rights and wrongs. Full of insiders and outsiders. We do not want complex wonder. We do not want mystery or tension or people showing up being good and kind when they hold different views to us.

We want the bits of you we agree with. We all do it. All of us pick and choose and formulate world views around the bits that seem obvious to us. The rest our brain skims over and around.

I guess if we had a god we agreed with on every point they might well be an idol we made.

Then a remembrance of a verse from Hosea 14:

“We will never again say ‘Our gods’ to what our own hands have made, for in you the fatherless find compassion.”

The challenge:

No longer, says the one who formed the winds. No longer say ‘my god’ to what your hands have made, your prestige, your power, your systems, your ways. No more. No more.

The imagined response:

Sail out into the big wide sea. See me. From all angles. Find the treasure that sparkles for you. Find the rough jagged edges which smart and confuse. Go out into the sea and swim around in me. Find enough to give you hope. To lead you in love. To be your anchor in the dark nights, and then:

Don’t be afraid of the complex, the contractions, the not knowing, the misty murk.

Don’t be afraid of the dark my love.

Sail on.
Do the best with what you’ve got.
I have given you enough to be loved and to love.

If you must make up systems
Don’t be blind to love, mercy, justice and grace.
Don’t be blind to anger and rage and holy nights.
Don’t be blind to the bits you leave to one side.

Sail on.
Do the best with what you’ve got.
I have given you enough to love and be loved.

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Book’s I’ve read July-August 2020

Ok. Here we go. Another round up of books from me. I’ve made it about half way through my birthday stash and read a few quick reads on my kindle in the last couple of months. In no particular order here are the books I’ve read over July and August. 

We need to talk about Race- Ben Lindsay 

A must read for anyone in church leadership/with any kind of involvement in church. Written reflecting on the UK church scene this is a brilliant exploration of race in the church.  Ben looks at  the need to reflect deeply on how we treat each other and how we can act to challenge the structures of racism all around us. It also has really helpful application questions at the end of each chapter for white church leaders, white people and people of colour. A book which challenged my hidden assumptions and one I need to read again a few times over to fully absorb and act on the lessons learnt. 

100 essays I don’t have time to write- Sarah Ruhl

Written by a playwright this contains a fascinating collection of her thoughts on the theatre. I loved it because she’s a mother of small ones and that context shapes her writing and reflections. It’s the kind of book I want to write at some point (or possibly is written already across this blog…) 

A Beautifully Foolish Endeavour- Hank Green 

The follow up to ‘An Absolutely Remarkable Thing’ didn’t disappoint. I loved his insightful commentary on our times, the reflections on fame and social media. I loved the story and pace of this novel and the philosophical ponderings along the way. His writing feels as close to Douglas Coupland as we have got recently as he weaves a warning parable urging us to live better because soon we may not have the chance to. 

Little Disasters- Sarah Vaughan

Little Friends- Jane Shemilt 

In my head these are fairly similar family thriller by numbers/gas lighting men/awkward family relationships kind of books. Little Disasters centres around an antenatal group and grappling with whether a baby has been abused or not. Little Friends is a fairly predictable three families intermingle with grim results. Good for insomniac moments in the middle of the night. 

The Book of Queer Prophets – Ed by Ruth Hunt 

A beautiful collection of essays/stories from LGBTQI people and their faith journeys. Most made me cry at the pain caused and the hope held out as so many of these stories talked of deep profound connection with the divine. Well worth your time listening to these lovely people.

Half a World Away/The Hope Family Calendar- Mike Gayle

I quite liked both of these, novels about family life interweaving tragedy with hope. Possibly all was a little too neat and tidy in the journeys the characters made but they were pretty engaging easy reads. 

Three Hours- Rosamund Lupton

A super tense book about a school shooter in Somerset. Interesting weaving of commentary on refugees into a non traditional school environment within a fairly traditional small town community. 

The Power of Ritual- Casper Ter Kile 

I am still not sure what to make of this book. In it Casper argues for the importance of Sabbath, nature, sacred reading, eating together in community and finding transcendence in life. All things I am passionate about. My confusion lay in the absence of God throughout the book. I get what he is doing, taking the ancient rituals and routines of religion and saying they have deep value in our lives whether we are people of faith or not. I wonder if you carried out these rituals whether you might find faith. Through it all though I missed hearing more of the God I find in all these rituals. I missed the source and the maker. I missed the heartbeat which brings those rituals alive for me. I would be very interested to talk to others who have read this. It’s a brilliant book but, for me, it made me ache for more. 

Come Again- Robert Webb 

I really enjoyed his memoir, ‘How not to be a Boy’ and similarly enjoyed this, his first novel. An enjoyable meander through the changes we go through as we grow up, the impact being with another person has on our lives, being at uni in the 90s and a dose of time travel thrown into the mix. 

Losing Eden – Lucy Jones 

A wonderful book on the benefits being immersed the natural world can have on our mental health, the need for us all to get outside more and the urgency to change our ways and care more for the environment we live in. Really beautifully written and extremely good for the soul. 

Firefly Lane- Kirsten Hannah 

A page turner of a novel about how a friendship evolves and changes throughout the years. Not as good as The Great Alone which I loved last year but well written and engaging. 

The Electricity of Every Living Thing- Katherine May

I really enjoyed this memoir charting Katherine’s discovery of her autism as she walked various parts of the South West Coast Path and parts of the Kent countryside near where she lived. She writes beautifully and I really liked that this wasn’t a book fixated on completing a footpath but that her journey allowed for not finishing. I felt like her inner journey whilst undergoing these walks was far more important than whether she walked every inch of the coast path. 

Return to Roar- Jenny McLachlan

At least one of the boys books had to make it onto this list. I’ve lost count of the amount of books I’ve read to son2 over the last few weeks and months. Most mornings start with long protracted negotiations about how many chapters I am going to read before I go for my morning walk. I didn’t need to be convinced to read this one though. We loved ‘The Land of Roar’ earlier on in lockdown. It was a lovely treat to get this one from our local children’s book shop and go back to Roar with Arthur and Rose and have some more adventures with them. A very satisfying sequel and we are looking forward to the final instalment (and I am looking forward to son2 finally learning to read…) 

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The…12 weekly roundup? Or the post I always seem to write when I return to writing again…

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From one of our beautiful camping trips last week #vanlife…

I’m baby sitting at a friends tonight and happened to glance over my dusty old blog and realised it’s about 3 months since I last posted about life around here. I’ve posted about books and our outdoor 30dayswild adventures but have avoided any kind of dear diary type posts. I think life got to be the same thing week in and week out, we slogged away.  I got exhausted and like most people the waves of tiredness kept on coming and knocking me sideways each week. Husbandface’s health has wonderfully been improving steadily, but that then led to my body finally being able to give up for a bit. And, as you know, it turns out it’s fairly tiring living in an uncertain, pandemic laden, world.

Early July I disappeared to my parents on my own for a couple of nights total rest from everything. It helped enormously. Then around mid July I took about 3 weeks off work and a couple of weeks away from zoom and social media. We camped in various locations, we hung out with family and friends, we did some day trips out from home and we lived our fairly simple lockdown routine lots of the time. I’ve read a load of books and been outdoors lots. It has helped. I even occasionally feel refreshed in this post holiday world. I think I’m back to regular life with small children in the summer holidays tiredness. Even so it doesn’t feel as bad as last year because we are used to being around each other all the time.  We’ve figured out this world and our routine works for the most part (except on stupid heatwave days which are as bad as stupid rain all day days).

Looking forward there are three weeks until school supposedly starts, I have no idea if I am looking forward to this upheaval in our lives. I’m vastly looking forward to getting two days off again a week (well 6 hours off in each of those days), getting out for longer walks and having some margins in the week. I’m looking forward to me and husbandface getting our Fridays back together and I’m looking forward to being able to be a bit more intentional in my work and less in survival mode in my thinking.

I’m not so looking forward to helping the boys navigate their HUGE emotions about the return, the difficulties they have in transitioning from one routine to another from week to weekend or the game of guess what went wrong at school today to cause you to blow up quite so spectacularly.

I am going to look out for whether the spark in their eyes remains through the return to school. If it fades too fast or disappears again we are going to have to seriously rethink our lives and I’m not quite ready for that yet. I have loved seeing son1’s eyes grow wide and joyful at so many things in these last 5 months of hanging out with him. I have loved seeing son2’s wonderful imagination and vocabulary explode this year. To be honest though, I’m ready for a break from their insanities. I so want to see them continue to flourish in their lives at school. I think it’s possible and I am praying that they would settle back well and enjoy hanging out with friends again.

They are in the same mixed emotion bag that I’m in and it’s going to take all of my restraint to not talk about school much in these last few weeks but to lean into enjoying their unique crazy natures before we head to our separate places in the week once more. All this assumes they will be back for a while, who knows whether we’ll be on lockdown once more once winter comes, a couple of weeks off before that happens would be nice.

So there we are, I have officially started writing again it seems. More book review posts, love of nature and the outdoors posts and maybe even some reflective faith posts to come at some point.

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30 Days of Wild: Days 16-21

I’m not sure I managed to record every day over the last week. I know we went out everyday but I think I got tired of taking photos of the same thing. Anyway. Looking back we seem to have spent most of our time in trees or under trees or walking through woods. So here we go. Tree week.

Day 16

We enjoyed pottering around Petworth with the grandparents. SO many trees to scramble on and marvel at.

Day 17-18

I remember very little of these days apart from painting. But we made it out to local woods to sit in trees, read books on picnic blankets, run around with friends in the rain and I walked lots early in the morning noticing pretty flowers I hadn’t seen before.

Day 19

We made it out to Stanmer woods and found more trees. I went for a socially distant Spiritual Direction session and found it very helpful wandering through the woods with my Spiritual Director and pondering God whilst listening to loud bird song and feeling the ground beneath my feet. The day ended with lovely friends coming over for a firepit. A beautiful way to enter the solstice.

Day 20

I was gifted a day off. I walked for a couple of hours through woods and fields full of butterflies and sky larks. I sat outside on my bench for most of the rest of the day reading books and listening to birds sing. I enjoyed the wild grass meadow that is our front lawn and breathed deep.

Day 21

I took the boys over to Woods Mill, one of our local Wildlife Trust woods. Annoyingly it was fairly packed with people but it was lovely to potter around, see a beautiful swan family, and get hissed at by the protective mother.

 

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30 Days wild: Day 6-14

A few to fit in here, but it’s good to remember that we have been actively enjoying nature and the beauty of the world we live in over the last week or so.

Day 6

We went to the Knepp Estate which is a wonderful rewilding project near us, lots of trails, wildlife and apparently the first White Storks to nest in the UK in 600 years.

Day 7

A local day of spotting bees, new flowers in the woods near us (son2 learnt they were called foxgloves and we had fun imagining foxes wearing gloves..) and some forest bathing before church.

Day 8

A lovely walk in some woods with a friend and her dog. Obviously we had to climb a tree. I also saw a beautiful rose in our garden and finished my assignment for my Spiritual Direction course which had enabled me to read loads of books about nature.

 

Day 9 

Each day we walk and read books. On day 9 we went to the ‘Picnic Tree’, which as the name suggests is a tree you can easily have a picnic in.

Day 10

I think it rained lots on day 10. Despite that I went for a lovely socially distant walk with a friend first thing and we found the snake of rocks outside the boys school.

Day 11

We had a lovely morning playing in the woods for a couple of hours before the rain came. I always think the woods are more atmospheric in the rain. 

Day 12 

I saw uber amounts of pretty on my morning walk, I think it was more of an angry stomp at the state of the world but there was much beauty around to make up for my black cloud…

Day 13

We did our usual cycle from Brighton Marina to Rottingdean. We found loads of dead crabs all over the beach but no live ones. I also had much fun paddling around with son2.

Day 14

Today we went over to Bramber Castle and walked around the river plains near it. Lovely to do a walk we’d done last year with significantly

less moaning this time. The boys are growing and able to walk further. I am so grateful.

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