Advent 3

Posted on December 3, 2020 by Kath
The line of hope on the horizon after a continuous day of rain.

I think this picture encapsulates the distant search for wonder at times, the ways in which wonder can be elusive, far away on the horizon, and yet the very distance of it brings it somehow closer and in a deeper focus.

And so today the wonder was found in a couple of socially distant chats whilst delivering Advent books, the buzz of actual in person reality of each other. The wonder was found in more Rend Collective Christmas joy, their second Christmas album reflecting the odd year we have had. Sure, most of their songs are about not being lost in the dark anyway but it’s good to have a whole chunk more of that to sing out loud.

“In the dark we’re not lost
When it’s hard we’re not lost
Don’t lose heart
We’re never truly lost”

“So sister and brother
Be kind to each other
We’ve all had a journey
Our own path to wander
The light will come
Just know you’re not alone

I know Emmanuel, you’re one of us
You left your throne to wear our scars
Though Christmas lights may lose their spark
And winter’s cold may break our hearts
Oh Christmas means, Emmanuel you’re one of us”

Good stuff. Other wonder found in the care given to the youngest in a struggling week at school, in husbandface picking up the guitar again, in Aslan not being a tame lion but a deeply Good Lion, in a glass of good red wine and in pictures of babies tucked inside wombs safe and sound.

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Advent 2

Posted on December 2, 2020 by Kath

Today the wonder was found in the gentle return to the rhythm of work, in slow typing, in a beautiful work team and the bittersweet reality that zoom means we can see each other but not be with each other, and yet we are with each other as we navigate these times.

The wonder was found in lighting a firepit, in the buzz of seeing a friend in my garden for a catch up and a cup of tea.

Today the wonder also dropped through my door as friends sent flowers and I felt the warmth of transformative care.

Wonder is all around as we journey on in the dark, through ill children, through achy bodies, through fear and worry, wonder will not stop breaking through reminding me of the One who is near in all this mess.

And you?

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Advent 1

Posted on December 1, 2020 by Kath
The Advent Jigsaw Puzzle Calendar is back, sewn when son1 was a baby I love that it defines so clearly this section of our lives.

Day one of the search for wonder in this spacious land before Christmas comes.

Found in the return of our Advent Calendar to our walls. I love the piecing together of the jigsaw each year, the glint in son1’s eyes as he very graciously offers his brother first go, knowing he’ll get to do the last day. I love it’s simplicity and the reminders it brings each year of just how far we’ve come on this parenting journey.

Found in the hope of a diagnosis for the stomach pains I’ve been having on and off this week. It might be gallstones, if so it can be treated. I feel glad of that simple story here is something wrong, here is a solution. Stories are so helpful in managing pain and our bodies. The story of a body which needs to rest is helping me lean into books and our sofa.

Also found in reading this opening line at bedtime tonight: “Once there were four children and their names were Peter, Susan, Edmund and Lucy”. Son2 brought me the Narnia collection to re-read at the weekend and as I used to spend many an Advent reading through them I am delighted that this tradition is carrying on without any urgings from me. We flew through the Magicians Nephew in 3 days so I think we’ll probably be through them at by Christmas.

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Advent 2020. A different kind of Advent, same Emmanuel to walk with us…

Posted on November 30, 2020 by Kath
Starlings over the pier sing hope in their twirling dance of joy

And so Advent slowly silently slips into the room. Yesterday we put our Christmas Tree up, I think the earliest we have ever done that. Yesterday I shed tears for the lack this year, for the grief, for the difference in feelings, for the weary resignation to realising that again it is Advent. My body has given up at the moment, whether a virus or exhaustion I can do very little without being wiped out and having to sit down. I am listening, I am listening oh tired body of mine. I pull away from the comparisons of capacity, the feeling that I should keep going, that stopping is a privilege so I shouldn’t do it. I pull away and lean into what I would tell you reading this, listen to what your body is saying, my body seemed to be screaming loudly in my ears last week and it took a hospital trip to convince me stopping is what is needed.

And so I sit and put Christmas music on the stereo, I wrap myself in the old old story, I dig out my Advent reflection books, I read of what Advent means. I have always loved this season and I’m starting to slowly realise this year that there isn’t one fixed meaning we must fit ourselves into (it is a made up season after all, make of it what you will, there isn’t a right way to do this…). 

Advent does different things in me each year. 

Advent when the eldest was tiny put me back together as my identity lay shattered in pieces, Advent that year reminded me of who I was, who I have always been and the things that did not change in this new world of holding a baby. 


Advent in the years of Husbandface’s super ill health provided me with a fixed point where I could fall apart, a time of aching and longing for the day when all the sad things come untrue, for when Jesus would sweep us up into the new creation and we could all stop with the groaning and pain. I needed the sure certain hope that resurrection would come, that Jesus would come back, that this pain wasn’t all there is. It was a hope that carried me into each new year. I needed Advent as a storing up for the year to come, reminders that there is a deeper story which transforms the daily grind. 

Advent in my 20s was full of confidence in those external realities, a reminder time and again that there was light in my winter dark, that my depression was not the end of me, that God was with me in loneliness, in change and in the tangles of my mind and soul. Emmanuel poured into my heart, and brought clarity and light. 

I wonder what Advent will mean for me in 2020. Yesterday on church my lovely colleague Sam thought about God with us in Hope and what it meant for Mary to carry hope around with her as a present reality rather than just a future. I love that image. If hope means anything I think it flies into today and transforms the light of the day, even if the circumstances don’t change. Carrying hope around brings something transcendent into the now, however small that might feel. 

I want to carry Hope around with me this year. I need to carry Hope around with me as I rest, as I seek to make space for others to experience this Hope, as I try and love my boys through their fights and giant emotions, as I reach out to others despite the difficulties of doing that this year.  Emmanuel is always my favourite word to walk with in Advent, the God of creation, over all nations, the One who plays in 10,000 places come to earth to be with us, to walk a new path for us to follow, to burn into the future so we know there is more to come. 

Emmanuel says right now today God is here, however foggy the view is, however weary our bones are. Emmanuel doesn’t demand for us to keep on pushing through to beyond our ability. Emmanuel sits down at the road besides us and gives us food, water and shelter. Emmanuel says, Here I am, come and drink in some strength and refreshment. 

I wonder what Advent means for you this year? Which part of the waiting and wondering do you need? Which part of the Christmas story will you carry around to breathe hope into your bones and walk you into another year of life? 

As ever I shall be daily blogging, seeking the wonder in each day, not to display a perfect life but to dig through the shadows of my mind to find the hope, to remind myself of the Christ who plays in 10,000 places and to enjoy some joy in a very different Advent season, do come along for the ride… 

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Books I’ve read Sept-November

Posted on November 20, 2020 by Kath

It’s about time I scooped up the books I’ve read recently and put them into this space so I can remember the highs and lows of my reading over the last few months. Here we go, books I’ve read from September to mid November. 

The Midnight Library- Matt Haig. 

I think this one is my favourite of all his fiction, a brilliant idea of someone working through their regrets, living different lives to see if her actual life is worth living. I read this in one sitting on our last camping trip of the summer. It’s a beautiful read, it helped me reflect on my life and I was left awash with gratitude for the life I have and stunned again at the goodness and wonder in this world. Go read. 

American Dirt- Jeanine Cummins

Another one I loved and couldn’t put down. This charts the journey of a mother and son as they escape a drug cartel in Mexico and head over the border to a new life in the states. It’s a tense read, a hard read at times and I had to skip read certain bits because the thought of a mother and her 8 year old on the run made me think too hard about what it would be like to be on the run with my 8 year old. Worth delving into. 

Braiding Sweetgrass- Robin Wall Kimmerer

I’ve written about this before and how it influenced one of my sermons last month. It’s a beautiful collection of essays about our connection with the natural world, the wisdom of native American culture and ways we can learn about our relationship to the place we live. It made me spin out in wonder and awe. It made me want to build in deep wells of gratitude and it spun a much much better story for me than the consumerism which invades our souls. Worth soaking in it’s beauty slowly and thoughtfully. 

The Glass Hotel- Emily St John Mandel. 

I loved her Station Eleven but found this story a bit cold. As far as I can remember it was a novel spanning lots of years and different points in a characters life, exploring where events took her and interconnections with other characters. It’s an interesting exploration of what makes a life worth living and it was a fairly good read, but it didn’t set me alight. 

The Gift of Being Yourself- David Benner. 

I had to read this for my Spiritual Direction course and loved it. It’s a deceptively short and simple book but gave me so much compassion for myself, and my boys in helping think through how I can love all of who they are, not just the loveable bits. It helped me move forward to accepting the shadow side of me so I can further know how much God loves and knows me. It really helped me not over worry about some of the not so great aspects of my boys character and helped me have empathy and love for the whole of them. I love that they can articulate out loud (and I pray it would be a deep reality) that God loves them when they are grumpy, angry and frustrated as well as when they are fun and delightful. This book helps in the journey to learn to own our whole selves so that we don’t get stuck in putting up defences to try and hide parts of ourselves. 

The City is my Monastery- Richard Carter

This is a book of thoughts and prayers from an intentional community at St Martins at the Field in London. It goes through the seven things which make up their rhythm of life with thoughts and reflections from each. It’s a beautiful book, one which made me long to hang out with Jesus more. Definitely worth getting hold of and swimming in the beauty of. 

Catlin Moran – More Than a Woman.
OH my word I love this woman and all that she writes. IF you are a woman in your 40s/50s then this is the book you need to read right now. If you are a man and married to a woman in their 40s/50s then you must read this too and chat to the woman in your life about it. And if you are in your 20s/30s it won’t hurt to read this although it may scare you a little. And I guess if you are beyond your 50s you’ll enjoy it just as much. At times reading this was as if she had seen into my life and thoughts and just written them down for me.  She’s got such a knack of writing about the everyday ordinary stuff of being a middle aged woman in a way that is relatable, funny, tear jerking and real. I didn’t identify with all of what she talks about but that’s just because we are different people. So much of this made me laugh out loud with relief that I am not alone. If that’s not a good recommendation I don’t know what is. 

Motherhood- The best, most awful, Job- Ed by Katherine May

Again. If you are a mother then you must stop what you are doing and go and read this book right now. (it has short chapters so don’t worry if you feel you are just too tired). If you are partnered up with a mother then also please read this book right now. It’s a beautiful series of essays from all different kinds of mothers, ones who have adopted, natural birth mums, gay, straight, autistic, mum’s who have lost babies and more. It’s just a wonderful collection of stories that again made me know that I was seen and not alone. Two amazing gifts. 

Sweet Sorrow- David Nicholls

The story of a man reflecting on his first love back when he was a teenager.  I really enjoyed this, mainly because it was set in the late 90s and took me back to my teenage years. A nostalgic look at life and all it’s twists and turns. I really enjoyed it. 

I’m still here- Austin Channing Brown. 

I don’t really know how to talk about this other than to thank Austin for the gift of her story. It’s her reflections on being a black woman and, let’s face it, the crap that has come her way because of that. It’s worth reading for the insights, the wisdom that comes from her and the further spur to seek a world which is actually just and where racial discrimination is seen, owned up to and dealt with. 

Girl, Woman, Other– Bernardine Evaristo

I loved this tour through a load of interconnected women. It’s a beautiful sprawling book of very different stories and journeys. It made me laugh and cry and be very sad when it ended.

Lost Connections- Johann Hari

I have mixed feelings about this book. I love the premise which goes along the lines of – don’t just give out medication to fix depression but also take a look at the social and psychological aspects of what is going with people. I feel like that was given as game changing revelation whereas I don’t think it was that shocking of a statement. Maybe it is in some corners of how depression is treated but it feels to me a given that our whole lives play into how depressed we become, it’s not just as simple as a chemical imbalance in our brains. But as I write that I realise how easy it is to tell that story to make depression an acceptable illness. But maybe it shouldn’t have to be reduced to chemistry to make it acceptable. Anyway. Johann makes some interesting points about all of that and then goes through seven causes of depression and then looks at how we can tackle each of those in our lives. He calls for a deep societal change from the values of consumerism and individualism to living more interconnected lives with each other. I think he has a point, maybe several of them. Worth reading. 

5 Rivers Met on a Wooded Plain- Barney Norris

A book based around Salisbury and explores the interconnected lives of 5 different people meeting in a chance way, reflecting the 5 different rivers that meet in Salisbury. It was a pretty engaging read, interesting takes on what makes life worth living and a good concept to build a novel around. As I write this I’m starting to realise just how many books I’ve read in the last couple of months are all about interconnectedness and interdependence. I like that theme breaking into the rather weird disconnected world we live in at the moment. 

The Man I Think I Know- Mike Gayle. 

A fairly lovely light novel about two men who used to go to school together and now find themselves in very different circumstances but who develop an awesome friendship. Easy to read which was good for my lockdown fuzzy brain.  

The Wild Robot- Peter Brown. 

My son put this book in my hand declaring I had to read it and that it was about a Robot on an Island who was a bit like Jesus. Such a lovely tale of a robot who befriends the animals on a wild remote island, and yes she is a bit like Jesus in the way she helps people and lives amongst them. I like this story reminding me that Christ does indeed play in 10,000 places. 

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