Sometimes you get what you wish for…

Posted on January 13, 2012 by Kath

Out running the other day I past a group of people off to the football, you can picture the image, slightly overweight men all in a group, stacks of beer on the pavement before them, the sense that later on you might want to avoid this group on the way home. As I jogged past I think I heard one shout out (I had earphones blasting out music to keep me going so I can’t be sure), “look at the arse on that”. I’d like to think that the only thing stopping me from heading back to them and undertaking a reasoned debate on the many things wrong with that sentence was that I wasn’t sure I’d heard correctly. In my head, however,  I went back and brilliantly tore them to pieces with my razor sharp wit and courage. Mostly I was thinking, if you are going to shout at people in the street why not make sure you shout helpful encouraging things. I’m sure I do look ridiculous pounding around the streets of brighton, overweight and red faced. But at least I’m doing something about it, at least I’m not taking my beer belly to sit down for the day and drink more beer.

As I was thinking these and many other furious thoughts I ran past another man, he was of the same build as the previous ones, and looked like he might be ready to launch some more ‘amusing’ comments in my direction. Weirdly he just shouted out, ‘you go girl’ in a friendly and helpful manner. Providing the encouragement I was in need of. It was delicious timing so soon after my desire for encouraging comments to replace negative ones in this world. So thank you random man who runs the second hand shop opposite the Duke of Yorks in Brighton, you’ve redeemed my image of middle aged men who look a certain way and I was encouraged.

On my next run out with husbandface another man cheered us on. Maybe my furious thoughts to all middle aged men have been heard loud and clear and I’ve managed to change the world by the power of my thoughts. Maybe.

Posted in Life on the journey | Tagged | 2 Comments

Psalm 116

Posted on January 11, 2012 by Kath

Recently I sat with some people from my church chatting through the whole issue of asking people for help, we all agreed that it was a Good Thing to Do but we all admitted to the real struggle of admitting we can’t actually cope with life all the time. We find things hard, we need help and yet we fear people looking down on us for being weak and we fear being a burden on others. It’s pretty much a pride thing, we don’t like showing our weaknesses to the people around us.  Trouble is that’s what our lives are all about in this community of God thing we are part of. More so that’s what our whole lives with God are all about. Crying out to him for help. Not pulling ourselves up and showing God how great we are at following him or beating ourselves up for being a bit crap. We’re all about crying out for help to our Father.

The Psalmist here seems to have got that a little better than me. He’s looking back, reflecting on a situation where he experienced God’s incredible help, where he came to God in need and God blew him away with mercy, grace, help, compassion, graciousness and kindness. We need these kind of stories to help us in our times of need, we need to see that it’s ok to come to God snotty, broken, needy, incoherent with tears and generally not very together as a person. Just look at the Psalmist as he comes to God. He says he cried out to the Lord in his trouble, he was stumbling, in tears, desperate, overcome by distress and sorrow. Being overcome by distress and sorrow is not pretty, I’ve seen people in this state a couple of times in the last few months and it’s messy, it’s incoherent and it’s broken. But what does he do in this state? He cries to the Lord. Like a kid who’s fallen over runs to his Mum inconsolable for comfort he cries to the Lord. Like a small child calling out in the middle of the night for help after a bad dream he cries to the Lord.

I imagine it wasn’t a well put together reasonable prayer.  I imagine he cried out in desperation to his Father. He probably didn’t say, Lord save me, but I’m not very worthy of being saved and that’s a selfish prayer anyway, save all the other people suffering in this world. No, he knew what a state he was in and cried to the Lord to save, it’s not selfish to ask your Dad for help.

What did he find? This is what we need to know in these desperate times, what is the Lord like? Will he come good? This God is gracious, compassionate, he delivers the Psalmist, he wipes away the tears and he enables him to stand on solid ground again.   We have a Dad who cares, who isn’t afraid of snotty crying balls curled up on the floor crying out in agony unable to voice their request. We have a Dad who knows we are weak and is waiting for us to realise that as well, who will hear our cries, who will deliver our eyes from tears and our feet from stumbling that we may walk before him in the land of the living.

Where do we need to do this in our lives right now? What are we resisting calling out to God about in our lives? Why? Are we too proud? Are we tired of asking? Are we fearful that he won’t deliver us?

The Psalmist’s story ends with praise, with recommitment to this God who has saved him from distress and sorrow. He rededicates his life to the God who is gracious and compassionate. He lifts up the cup of salvation and calls on the name of the Lord, he stays in communion with God and he walks with him in the land of the living.

To Ponder: 

Life with our Father looks like this, crying out to him and walking with him. Where are we struggling with these today? Talk to Him about that.

Posted in Life on the journey | 3 Comments

On starting a new job…

Posted on January 6, 2012 by Kath

I’m starting to wonder about my desperate search to appear competent. I’ve just started a new job and, like any new thing, it scares me more than I’d like to admit. I want to appear sorted, together, like I am the answer to all the problems, like I have 10 creative ideas a day before breakfast and am confident in talking to random people and can convince them of why they should support the charity I’m working for.  The trouble is, I’m not those things all the time and so my brain jumps to despair, I jump all too quickly to the usual cave marked Kath is rubbish, throw her in the bin with the rest of the people in this world who find it hard to cope with life.

As you can see, all too easily I jump to the opposite extreme, I jump into the pit of despair all too willingly. The truth, as with most things in life, lies somewhere in between these two extremes. I am pretty creative, I have come up with about 2 ideas of areas to work on in this job (which isn’t bad after 2 days sitting in the office reading through documents and trying to get a grip on a job that hasn’t had anyone doing it before me), I know that when I try and set up meetings with people and get on with the things I’m meant to be doing that I will be nervous, I can’t help that.  I recognise that part of doing things that scare you means you give them a go until they become a bit easier.  However, I usually skip those stages and get paralyzed by the fear of looking like an idiot.  I’m sure there will be moments in this job when that will happen,  just as I hope there will be moments when I get it right, when I explain really well what it is that we do as a charity and people go, wow, that’s great, I’d like to support that.

I forget that it’s ok to be nervous, it’s ok to not get things right all the time, it’s ok to fail and it’s ok for that not to be the end. My idiot personality would like to scream at me that if I can’t do these things straightaway, I’ll be a failure forever and should leave this to someone more competent than me. Ironically the charity I now work for is set up to support the vulnerable and the marginalised of Brighton and Hove, it’s set up for people who can’t cope very well with life and that’s why I think it’s brilliant. You’d think I’d get that there is space for vulnerable me in an organisation like that.

So. My fear is paralysing right now, I sense the tenrils of despair creeping around the corners of my brain that fear change and want to use that as an excuse to stop doing anything.  I fear peoples scorn and looks of despair at my incompetence. What weapons do I have in my arsenal to fight these thoughts?

  1. There is a God. Sounds obvious but I need the obvious right now. He’s here, he’s been involved in me getting the job. He has the means to equip me to do it.
  2. He tells me not to be afraid because He is with me, and frankly, what can man do to me? Fear is the big killer of faith, passion, freedom and of anything happening. Fear is pretty good if there is a large bear coming towards you with hungry eyes but it’s not much use when you are staring at a telephone too frightened to talk to anyone because of the social awkwardness that might result.
  3. Social awkwardness is not the worst thing in the world. What people think of me isn’t what defines me or makes me have worth and value. No, really. There is a bigger picture and a bigger love.
  4. It’s ok to want to do my job well but that’s a learning process. It’s not going to happen overnight and there are going to be scary bits along the way. The fact that I think it’s stupid to be scared of the things I am will only paralyse me more. It’s ok to be scared, it’s what I do with it that matters.
  5. I’m not the only one. Please tell me I’m not the only one who lives with these fears, who is scared of lots of things, who worries that I lives very much within the walls of what I know I can do. Tell me that I’m not the only one. I’m pretty sure I’m not but I’d like someone else to join me in the vulnerable but hopeful corner of this world.
  6. It’s ok that I’m 33 and haven’t got life sorted yet. I constantly live with the fear that I’ll get found out, that I’ll have to go back to the start because I haven’t got life sorted at 33, other people seem to, sometimes people can’t believe I am as old as I am, tell me that’s because of my youthful complexion, that I married someone 5 years younger than me and not a horror at how immature I am. Tell me they are better at pretending than me.

Some of these things I believe today, some I’m still not so sure of. Number 1 is looking pretty sure right now, I don’t have this life thing together but I am a child of the Living and True God who made heaven and earth and who knows that I really don’t have life together or sorted but knows that the best way to deal with that is found in his arms of love and compassion. He’s all about the weak and foolish, the ones who just can’t cope. He’s all about people like me who need rescuing from their pride and foolishness. He’s not going anywhere.

Posted in Life on the journey | Tagged , , | 3 Comments

Goodbye 2011. Here’s an epic roundup of the year.

Posted on December 31, 2011 by Kath

This year has been one of the most crazily intense of my life, and that’s not even close to hyperbole. There aren’t many ways to sum up what has happened, and I’m not sure I even can. Here are some of the themes of my year in no particular order…

The year of running.

This year was the year, in a moment of madness, that I signed up for The Great South Run. Whatever blend of crazy made me do it, I’m glad I did. Training helped me through the random world of Belfast every time we visited, it also made me grateful for well behaved English dogs and understanding looks over here. In Northern Ireland it seems it’s a bit more unusual to see a lady out running in the morning, judging from the many strange looks I got and dogs who chased after me. The run itself was, well, a long slog but I stumbled over the finish time after a respectable 1 hour and 43 minutes.

The year of being proud.

This year was the year that my Dad’s tunnel he’d been working on for many years finally got built. We walked through it before it was open, we drove through it and admired it from many angles. Delightfully he’s been made an MBE in this years honours list. He’s so deserving of this and I’m so crazily proud of him and his work.

I’ve also been very proud to walk with Husbandface through some of the hardest weeks of his life as we watched his Mum, the lovely Geraldine Cunningham lose her battle with cancer. He has shown lots of courage this year and I’m prouder than ever to be his wife.

The year of holidays.

We went on some lovely holidays this year, to Wales with the lovely Taylors and Vincents from church. Here we turned into a sprawling Italian style family for the week, enjoyed lots of fine wine, good talks at Word Alive and the joy of meals together and three small boys to entertain us. We also saw dolphins swimming and ate most of a cow together. Good times.  May saw me and Sarah walking the North Norfolk coast path together, joined for a few of the walks by Johnny and urged on by Husbandface and a very pregnant Anna. We got to visit Dublin for a weekend in August, drank Guinness, spent lots of money and found a leprechaun. Lastly we escaped to the land of Cornwall at the end of the year, battered and bruised by life we sank into our hotel, read lots of books, watched films, ate amazing food and drank lots of wine. Very soothing for the soul. Somewhere throughout the year I attempted to remember that holidays aren’t our final resting place and that we have better rest to come.

The year of Belfast.

I think we went to Belfast almost every month this year.  We spent lots of time with Husbandface’s Mum, lots of time driving around Belfast from hospital to hospital, I’m grateful for the time we had with Geraldine, for getting to know her more this year and for getting to know Belfast more as a city. We spent far too much time in coffee shops over there searching for some normality and whenever I step into a Starbucks now I have a strange feeling that we are in Belfast again.

The year of small children

This year we’ve enjoyed hanging out with some very cute children. We love our two Godsons, both called Samuel, lots and lots. We’ve enjoyed hanging out with them and their siblings, making pizza, making cookies, going on a trip to London, playing hide and seek in our flat and being delighted at their growth and development. We got to see my two Godchildren who live far too far away in Canada, James and Jenny. Welcoming the lovely Emily Faro and Talitha JK (another one for Husbandface’s growing collection of Godchildren) into the world has also been a high point of the year of small children.

We’ve loved seeing our Nephews throughout the year, we’ve been very entertained over skype and in the flesh by Matthew, we loved seeing him (and parents) over the summer, we enjoyed more time to get to know Brendan over in Northern Ireland and we were very happy to see Jonathan over skype when he arrived in November.

The year of God’s work in our lives.

Through all of the above and the everyday stumbling through work, loving the city of Brighton, writing, hanging out with friends, going on camp, ending a job, getting a new one, trying to love the people around us, persevering as a church, enjoying our flat (come stay in our uber nice spare room anytime) and more we have also known and been known by the God who stubbornly holds onto us. We’ve been through fire and floods this year, earthquakes and aftershocks have happened emotionally in our life but we have been held all the way. I am more convinced at the end of the year that we have a God who is in charge of this world, who has welcomed me into his family and who is patiently molding me day by day into the woman he made me to be. We’ve been looking at Hebrews all year in church and it’s message of ‘don’t give up, keep going, Jesus is brilliant, keep on, don’t give up, Jesus is all you need, don’t give up, keep going, your sin has been dealt with once for all, don’t give up, keep going’ is beginning to sink into my soul. It’s been much needed food for all we’ve had to face this year. As I look back I can see the truth and wonder of Isaiah 43 in our lives.

But now, this is what the LORD says—
he who created you, O Jacob;
he who formed you, O Israel:
“Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
For I am the LORD, your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
I give Egypt for your ransom,
Cush and Seba in your stead.
Since you are precious and honored in my sight,
and because I love you,

I’m also so grateful that God invented the church, so thankful for all the people who have been God’s presence in our lives for us this year, who’ve held us as we’ve wept and who have been safe places for us to run to in the storms.

I’m really not sorry to say goodbye to 2011, it’s been a mental year, but I am grateful that I can stand here on the cusp of 2012 with hope for what is to come. There is some deep, wintery joy going on in my soul as I remember that we have a God who never changes, doesn’t let go, keeps no record of wrongs, is full of unfailing love and is at work in the darkest of times.

Oh and in case you were wondering:

Book of the year: A Praying Life by Paul Millar- Exactly what we needed to read at exactly the right time, we are all dependent children who have a Dad who loves us and loves it when we ask him for help. The only book on prayer that has actually made me run to my Fathers arms.

Albums of the year: Gillian Welch- The Harrow and the Harvest is heartbreakingly beautiful. Paul Simon’s So Beautiful or So What makes me want to be that fresh and creative at 70. Others that made me happy were- The Fleet Foxes- Helplessness Blues, Alison Krass- Paper Aeroplane, Ed Sheeran- +, Adele – 21 and the song that sums up the year is Page CXVI’s Joy.

TV boxset of the year– The one we are ploughing through right now- Treme, hope, Jazz, New Orleans and the cast of the Wire in different roles. Genius stuff.

Film of the year: Looking back the most enjoyable one I watched was the King’s Speech. Not very cool I know, but it was better than the last Harry Potter, Super 8, Drive, Sherlock Holmes, Mission Impossible 4, Submarine and some others that we watched.

New toy of the year: This lovely Macbookpro that I’m typing away on, it’s made writing and blogging lots more fun and speedy. Many thanks to my mother in law for being uber generous.

Posted in Life on the journey | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment

Christmas Day

Posted on December 25, 2011 by Kath

The excellent Katrina gave me permission to post this today.

“Something about wilderness
something about the days, weeks, months, years of waiting
something about being on the outside looking in
something about the yearning that makes the heart feel heavy
something about the pinprick of hope that gets us up in the morning
something about waiting
something about plodding on
something about persevering
something about mountains that seem to stand in the way
something about mustard seeds
something about sunrise
something about holding onto a promise
and holding on
and holding on
something about remembering
something about a future we barely dare to imagine
something about discordant
moving towards harmony

something about crying out
something about the One who hears
something about uncertainty
something about the Unchanging One
something about Something Bigger
something about our name
and the One who knows our name
and the One whose name is I AM
I AM PRESENT
Something about today.
HE IS. Here. TODAY.”

Happy Christmas everyone.  Now, I have a turkey to eat…

Posted in Life on the journey | Tagged | Leave a comment