Because sometimes you need to know you aren’t alone.

Posted on May 23, 2012 by Kath

I’ve forgotten the joy of brief posts about things I love. Silly me. Here’s Martyn Joseph covering a Springsteen song (two things to make me dance right there) best of all are Martyn’s reflections on the song afterwards. Best of all for the line that goes something like: “The very best songs and art are there to let us know that we aren’t alone in the world.” They communicate something of the human condition, giving us hope in knowing we aren’t the only ones.

I like this so much because it’s also the reason I stumble around writing in this space. It’s so freeing to know that you are not alone. Anyway, he says it much more beautifully which is why you should watch this now.

Posted in Life on the journey | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

Psalm 119

Posted on May 21, 2012 by Kath

Were you wondering when this was coming? Or maybe you’d forgotten the Psalm series and Jason’s brilliant illustrations? Or maybe you’re new to these parts and have no idea what I’m talking about, if so- see the Songs Along The Way section of this blog for what I’m wittering on about.

Psalm 119. The joking Psalm, the one where we laugh at how crazy long it is, the one that no-one would ever read all the way through out loud in a service, the one that really won’t fit into a nice pithy blog post. Well I admit it, I’m not even going to try. I’m going to pick my favourite verse from it. How do you like that cop out?

The verse is 73 and it stops me dead whenever I read this epic Psalm.

“You made me; you created me. Now give me the sense to follow your commands.”

Partly I love it because it sounds a bit arsey. As in, right God, you made me, you are the one who created me and now I really really need some sense to walk in your ways, I can’t do it on my own, I don’t have innate sense to work out that your ways are best, despite you making me, I need some help. Now. Come on. Give me some help.

The original tone might have been slightly more reverent than this but I think the sense of it is the same. We have been made by someone, we have been created by someone and it makes sense to go to him for help in living in the way he intended for us.

We can’t live this kind of life without God stepping in and helping us. I need him to work in my heart to give me the sanity to follow his commands, without that, even though I’ve been made by him I really don’t want to walk his ways. I naturally go any other way but his, I naturally reject him and forget about him. I need his help.

The fact that the Psalmist prays this encourages me to think that maybe God wants to help us follow his commands, that maybe he knows we are fairly stupid creatures (given that we are most compared to sheep in the Bible) and we need his help. The whole rest of the Psalm is all about crying out to God for help in walking in his ways, following his brilliant course through this life. This verse encourages me that God still wants to hear my cries for help and doesn’t expect me to have everything sorted just because I know that he made me. It encourages me to go to the one who made me to learn how to live, it encourages me that I have been made by someone and life isn’t just random chance.

As a crazy perfectionist lady I really want to know that I can do this life well myself, I want it all to be perfect or I can’t be bothered at all. I don’t like the mess of having to ask for help, I often beat myself up for not finding it straightforward to follow God’s commands in this world. I think I should have things sorted by now. The truth is, I never will. I will always need this verse, I will always need to ask for help. I will never be at a point where I can do this life on my own. Simply because I wasn’t designed to. Neither were you. We were designed and made to live in relation to our Maker.

And so I pray for the sense to follow his commands, to not drift through this life, to not give up on seeking the good ways he has for me to walk in. I have a maker, you have a maker. It’s a good starting point, now we need to cry out for that sense and sanity to help us follow his ways.

Posted in Songs along the way | Tagged | 1 Comment

Who am I?

Posted on May 18, 2012 by Kath

Well, it’s Friday morning and for the first time in about 3 months I’m back in my favourite cafe in Brighton to recapture some of my writing mojo. This pregnancy lark certainly takes a while to get used to, but the nausea has stopped for now and there are thoughts to be processed onto these pages. As I emerge from my coma of sickness and tiredness a few things have changed in my landscape, I can no longer cycle/walk anywhere without being ridiculously puffed out, I was healthy dammit, I could run and everything. Now I’m lucky if I want to walk anywhere. I must get in the swimming pool this week and stop inhaling chocolate by the kilogram. I must.

I’m also thinking through another shift in my identity coming up. Limbo land is a weird place to be but it does at least give me a chance to start to ponder the changes that come with another label to attach to my person. Well, it gives me a chance to cry through the resulting fears and worries and present my snotty face to husbandface and let him laugh at me, reassure me and generally be lovely. This week I started to freak out that I was once more losing my name. A thing that would only be true if I never saw anyone but my future children for the rest of my life.  The Mum title will be given to me but it, once more, won’t be the most defining thing about me, and anyway it will be more fun to have than my current job title of fundraiser.

After bawling out my fears all over the aforementioned husbandface I sat down with that rather important book again to try and once more figure out and address my worries. I like that about our God, he doesn’t tell me that I’m a fool for having such worries, or scorn my over-thinking, over-analytical personality. He does gently prise me away from my crazy internal world and kindly, compassionately shows me a better reality to live in. This time it was back to the old old words written a long time ago which have such power to transform all of our lives. Ephesians 5:1-2 always has the answer to who we are and what we are doing down here.

Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children  and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.

We are dearly loved children of God and we’re called to live a life of love. Whether we have babies or not, whether we have 5 labels attached to our name or none, whether we are surrounded by people who think we are brilliant or whether it’s a struggle to face each day and encounter others. We are dearly loved children. Whether the worst or best happens to us today or we just bumble through the day like any other. We are dearly loved. Dearly loved. Dearly loved. We can walk through this world with confidence knowing that whatever changes in our situations and lives, that big fat truth remains, well, true.

We also all have a call on our lives, a role to play, a part in this grand epic story. We have a universal calling that applies to all our situations and circumstances. We are to live a life of love, imitating our kind loving Father, sacrificing as Jesus did when he walked this earth. Whether in a job, with housemates, with deep committed friends, with husbands and wives, with children and grandchildren. Through all the varying circumstances we live in the call is the same. To reach out in love. My life is going to look very different in 6 months time (God willing), mine and husbandface’s relationship will change and develop, friendships will change and develop, hopefully new friendships will be formed and old friendships will evolve. Through all that and more the heart of me remains. I am Kath, I am dearly loved and I am called to live a life of love in the arms of my Father.

That is where peace is finally found in my internal wranglings. Phew.

Posted in Life on the journey | Tagged , , , , , | 5 Comments

On the joys of being ill

Posted on May 9, 2012 by Kath

This week is M.E awareness week, I can’t think of a more misunderstood condition than this one, please go to the lovely Tanya’s blog to find out more about what it’s like to actually live with M.E and hear some stories that might make you angry at how woefully it is viewed and treated in this country.  It’s been helping me reflect on the strange land of illness and how I want to live better within it. I am familiar to a small degree with the land of long term illness. I was in that place in my teenage years when I had Glandular Fever on and off for about 5 years. I experienced the world of doctors looking puzzled and expressing strange treatments like going to see a careers advisor to help with it and my depression which kicked in at the same time. Interesting.

Those years have left me a legacy of being rubbish when I’m ill. I tend to think I’m either making it all up, shouldn’t be so pathetic and get on with things, feel like everything around me is crumbling around and feel far from God. The depression that lurked around that time comes back like a bad memory and I’m unsure if I’m just remembering it or actually surrounded in a fog of gloom again. It feels wrong to be cheery when I’m ill, wrong to laugh and when I can no longer do the things that make me feel connected to God I generally conclude he is far away.

Pregnancy has left me exhausted and nauseous for most of the first 3 months. I’m fairly convinced that it’s not an illness (there is an excellent reason for the grimness and my body is adjusting to something that is natural and what it is designed to do) but it feels like old illness come back to haunt me and so it’s been tempting to head back down the old well trodden path of my teenage reactions to feeling like this. My usual self medicated cures for the melancholy of my soul don’t work at the moment, I’ve not done this little exercise for years and I miss the endorphins. Food is tricky and tiredness means I have little energy to engage in deep profound conversations on the state of the world and just want to sleep or watch trash tv. I’m reassured by web forums that this is normal for pregnant women, that I don’t have to pull myself together and get on with life and that rest is good for me and the small creature growing inside me.

However, the stinky cold I have this week (without the usual dousing in lempsip, cough mixture and flu tablets that are all out for pregnant people) has sent me back into the old spiral. Yesterday though I sat on my sofa and pondered. Surely my relationship with God can’t be based on whether I am able to form a cohesive sentence to him or not? Surely the reality of God can’t be based on whether I’ve written in my notebook and read some of the Bible today? Surely his love and grace are not dependent on whether I think I’ve done enough for him today?

The crazy reality that I wish was my default belief setting is that breathing really is enough. When we have no coherent thoughts, when we can’t sit up straight because we’re so tired, when we can barely move God’s love remains constant. When we wake up in the morning we wake up in the Fathers arms and nothing can take us out of them. When we wake up in the morning we wake up into a world that is loved, we wake up to a world where we are loved and we live in the strength of that. We don’t have to work our way into God’s love each day, not having to do things to convince ourselves that we are still here.  How do I know? One man, Jesus. He’s bought the right for me to be in God’s family. He’s adopted me into the family, I am his beautiful daughter and I am part of a new world.

That’s the beauty of grace, there is nothing we bring to the table. Illness reminds me of that, and reminds me of the wonderful truth that God loves first and out of his initiative, not as a result of mine. I believe that with all my heart for everyone else on this journey of life with God, it’s taking a little while longer to get through my thick skull and dare to believe it’s true for me as well.

Posted in Life on the journey | Tagged , , | 4 Comments

A new Blog

Posted on May 7, 2012 by Kath

I’m so excited by this blog that it deserves a blog post all of it’s own. My lovely Brother and Sister-in-Law have just returned from the land of Canada.  Spewed up on the shore of England once more they find themselves in a new landscape and have made the wonderful decision to get their writing and life out there in the bloggy world. I like this for a number of reasons.

1.They can both write. Like really well. Like better than these sentences.
2. They don’t fit a mould, this will be a blog that is always interesting, thought provoking and will point you back to our brilliant God in ways you weren’t expecting.
3. It’ll be fun guessing who wrote which post.
4. It’s about finding God in life. Whether that’s in the study, in the kitchen, bringing up two boys or any other senario these are people who want us to find God in all of life. I need reminding of that. I need the refreshing truth of that. I’m pretty sure you do to.
5. I love these guys.You should too.

There you go. Click here now.

Why are you still here…? Off you go…

But still come back and visit sometime OK?

Posted in Life on the journey | Tagged , , | Leave a comment