On being excessively gentle with myself.

Yesterday I was reminded to be kind to myself. To take things slow. To be gentle to these parts of me that other parts of me find lacking and in want. I am my own worst critic. I absorb the voices that say you should do better, you must be more, do more, push through this pain to produce and be a force for change in this world.

It’s unrealistic to live at that kind of level. Well maybe some people whose personality is tuned to achieve and do more and more can, but I am me and I am not wired that way. I am wired for connection, for cups of tea, for mountain streams and jumping over rocks. I am wired for slow quiet and lengthily conversations late into the night. I am wired for reading, for walking, for gazing deep and for eating up the darkness as it swirls around. I am wired for slow plodding on. For relentless getting up off the mat again and again. I am wired for gasping in awe at the views and for cuddles on sofas with my small humans who hang out with me each day.

Life is a lot right now and I want to invite myself into the reality that it’s ok to go slow. It’s ok not to take the initiative and try and create community wider than the seven people I see most days. It’s ok to scramble over rocks and read books in the quiet moments. It’s ok to let them watch a million episodes of Horrible Histories and get lost in the world of Minecraft.

It’s ok to drink cup of tea after cup of tea and it’s ok to have an undefined amount of time before me in which I do not have a ‘job’. It’s ok to spend time on my course and with the two people I’m accompanying right now. It’s ok not to have a website yet, ok not to have figured out a newsletter or a space to write. It’s ok to not have made many new friends here yet. It’s ok to walk slow. It’s ok to be me. It is brilliant to be me.

Here I am. Aching to be gentle with myself, with my expectations and treat my soul with tenderness as we navigate this season of life.

And as I remember to be gentle with me I remember the One who is tender to my soul. Who made me and has danced on hills with me all my life. I am thankful as ever for the One who infuses this season, who longs for me with a love stronger than the love I have for the small humans in my care. I am thankful for the One who loves me, laughs with me and teaches me new steps in this dance in the dark we are embracing right now.

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