Weekly roundup time.
It’s back baby.
It’s Friday. I’m sitting at the end of a pretty normal week in our lives, the boys are watching Blaze and I have a few swirly thoughts to write down.
I think we are two full weeks into our new routine.
Yes we have a new routine, it took me by surprise too. Son2 is at nursery 4 days a week now. Woah. For the first time in his life I have more time away from him than with him in a normal week (let’s ignore the long nights he still likes to spend stuck to my face) For 6 hours a day, 4 days a week he’s in a happy world of joy with his mates and beloved nursery teachers. I kind of want to hang there too. It’s an amazing place.
I was not expecting the emotional fall out I’ve experienced through the last two weeks. I almost wanted another baby again (which if you’ve heard me moan about pregnancy and the insanity of the first year of life with a baby will again surprise you). I was not ready for this feeling that the baby years are over. What. Over?
I’ve spent the last 6 years learning how to cope with being a mum, dealing with small people constantly, learning how to structure our weeks to give us all some of what we need, learning how to breastfeed confidently in public, learning how to get small beings to sleep (long way still to go there), coming to terms with my shortcomings, being overwhelmed with love, being overwhelmed with my anger and frustration at uncontrollable worlds. And there is more. So much more. The last 6 years have been defined by looking after two fairly needy small boys. And now it’s all changing again.
I’ve been pretty mad that it’s changing again, wondering what the point of those years was. Obviously the point was to look after the boys. Result. I win. But what was the point of carefully created routines if I have to change them all again? Hmm. I think the point was that those routines were helpful at the time. I can celebrate the times they worked and be glad that I don’t have to struggle with them anymore. Life moves on and adjusting to change is part of it. There are new challenges in this world and that’s ok.
I also kind of forgot that those things I learnt weren’t wasted. Some things I don’t need, some skills are only for a season, but some of those life character lessons I’ll take on into this next phase of motherhood and life. The change is actually good change and I think I like it. It’s just odd that it’s here after so long.
I’m hoping this processing going on right now will make the transition to both being in school slightly easier next year, we’ll see eh. Sometimes I have been known to remember lessons I’ve learnt.
Anyway. Life is looking different. I’m coming to terms with that. Obviously I’m still a mum and my boys are still pretty needy and cute. Not everything has changed. It’s just good to remember to grieve the stuff lost and be ok and excited about a new phase of life.
I’ve worked lots in the last couple of weeks. I’ve enjoyed more time to give to work and have space around the edges of the working days to run and read. I’ve enjoyed getting back into the groove of life with the community of One Church people after a long and fairly exhausting summer with boys. I’m enjoying doing what I’m good at and the joy of a job that fits. Thanks to the extra day to fit life and work into I’ve hung out at the office more and felt more connected with the rest of the staff team. This rhythm of life feels pretty good. I was made for this stuff of calling attention to God in the midst of the ordinary splendour of life. To slightly misquote Eric Liddell. God made me to drink tea and honestly chat with people about life and the divine, and when I do, I feel his pleasure.
It’s fair to say the lovely husbandface still isn’t doing all that well (ah the classic English understatement), but he has an Uber supportive work place, a great counsellor and some growing friendships at church. It’s a fairly bleak place at times but there are chunks of light occasionally shining through.
I’m back to running consistently again which is as ever good for my mental health. I’ve been in a pretty black dog place much of this month. Exhaustion and change being my nemesis. Some good chats with a mentor and showing up to do stuff even when my head is dark have been good for me. One day soon I may even stop glaring at God in the middle distance and sit down and say hi again.
On that note I kind of want to blog about faith and the twisty turns the journey takes us on but that will have to be for another time. The boys already have had too much tv and I need to put dinner on. Suffice to say I’m slowly being convinced again of the simplicity of the call of God on our lives. We sat down in our small group on Wednesday night, drank chocolate baileys and talked about bits of the Bible we loved. I felt distant from lots of my old go to verses and was all ready to feel sad about that until I remembered my all time go to verse. Ephesians 5:1-2 is amazing – we are dearly loved children called to live a life of love. That’s it. That’s the bedrock of life and faith. That’s what I signed up to and still want to explore with those around me. That’s the hope I come back to in the dark and the only reality that keeps me going in this life of faith. I am dearly loved. Nothing will change that. I am called to love. That’s a lifetime call in many places and various ways. This stuff trumps it all. These verses enable me to walk on, through the change in rhythms, through the changes in faith I feel at times, through the change in routine, through the change in seasons as we head into autumn, through the ups and downs of my head and through the day to day slog.
And there you go.
Friday roundups are back. Somethings don’t change after all.