Time for a round up?
I hesitate to write here. What could I write? What of life in this now? What’s happened? How are we at the end of the first half of the summer term? How have I had a job for the last 6 weeks?
I hesitate to write because I am doubtful of my heads ability to work out what is true at the moment. I’m fairly wiped out and so anything I write may have a hint of weary self pity. Let’s see eh. You can judge.
So. Where are we?
6 weeks of a new job. It’s going well, I think. Obviously, as I wrote two weeks into it, change is tiring, newness is exhausting, blah blah blah. It’s one thing acknowledging that change is hard and a whole other thing daily living with that change and choosing to be ok with the tiredness. Anyways. What’s still true in the midst of tiredness? Ah yes. I love getting to do what I have been made to do, I love supporting our small group leaders and knowing the wonderful value of loving them so they can love their groups well. I love thinking about something that is not my home or family for a bit. I loved our women’s retreat and giving us all space to talk to God. I am looking forward to our weekend away and getting to know more people, and calling attention to the reality of living in our Makers world. All true. Even in the midst of tiredness and adjusting to having a line manager and colleagues and learning how to communicate again on a work level and being accountable for some of my time and other new weird things that come with you know, having a job.
Life with the boys is a continuing whirlwind of guiding them through their emotions and trying to be patient in the midst of their weirdness. Shouty lady made a return recently, in several moments that were not my finest. I was helped by some old blog posts that reminded me of the need to be slow and patient, that 3 year olds are button pushers and also facing huge challenges as to how to deal with life each day. I was helped by the wonder of being able to say sorry and be forgiven. I returned to the mantra of ‘that can wait’, knowing that an ordered house is less important than a small boy helped through his enormous feelings.
Both are tired from a long half term. I still trying to wrap my head around how Son1 is heading into his final half of term in reception. I’m also looking forward to hanging out with them in half term. Son1 has a good plan “Lets build dens and then watch some tv and then go back in our dens and snuggle”. I like it. He is also a reading and writing machine at the moment and I’m astounded by his development. It’s so delightful watching his brain grapple with concepts and fascinating seeing him getting to grips with a new world of words open to him at last.
The husbandface is still ill. There isn’t much to say here that hasn’t been said before. We do life one moment at a time. I don’t know how to process it in any other way. It’s a long slog for him and us. We adjust to new normals and we have to stop with the plans and live with the reality we have each day. I’m not going to pretend that’s easy. It sucks. But it’s life right now and so we keep putting one foot in front of the other and holding onto hope somehow. Sometimes that’s easier than other times. We get it wrong. We say sorry. We forgive and keep on walking. We laugh at YouTube randomness, we smile at the weirdos and we hope to find a level and way of living that it is possible to be ok in.
As for me. At the end of these 6 weeks I’ve realised my self care is slipping, hence probably, the return of shouty lady. I still run but that’s the only regular thing from my need of reading, running and talking to the Maker of the world on a daily basis. I know things that would help, getting away from the phone more, accepting tiredness and not drowning it in YouTube, being kind to myself, getting hold of a good novel to grip me away from the screen (any recommends?), taking time to reference the Maker as I cycle and run around this city. Things I know I need to do.
Life feels like it has less margins and maybe it does but also maybe I could live better to create more. Hmmm. I’ll give it a try and let you know how it’s going.
For now I’m going to leave this coffee shop where I was a month early for a meeting and cycle home. I’m going to sit and talk to my Maker and friend and ask for the grace to love my husband, boys, friends and church. I’m going to pick up the small ones and see how their days were, make chilli and embrace a long weekend and the chance to hang out with my boys this week.
Life goes on.
There is grace. There is hope. There is redemption. It’s worth it. If you see me around remind me eh.