Just checking what I’m doing here…

I’ve been back in that world of overanalysing what on earth I’m doing in this blogging world. It’s dangerous territory, mainly because it’s the height of narcissism: analysing ones impact in this world. That’s not really information made available to us most of the time. I’m not sure we were made to measure our impact on others lives or assess our worth in terms of how many people take notice of our thoughts, our lives or our ways. It is of course entirely human, to want to see results, to want to prove that we are worthwhile and it’s entirely me to look to other peoples opinions to see that.

I’m just not sure God works like that. He seems to value those that quietly get on with life, he seems to value those who are humble and contrite in Spirit and who tremble at his word. I can’t evaluate that in my heart by how many people read this blog and I certainly can’t judge others by this criteria on the basis of their blogging platform, pretty pictures and book deals. I want adoration, I want attention, I want to know that others think I’m great. I don’t rejoice in others success, I am far far far away from humility.

Rationally, logically, sensibly I know exactly why I write, I write because I don’t know any other way of processing my thoughts. I write so I can read them in future dark times and know the truth God keeps on teaching me. I write because I must, when I don’t I go crazy and that’s not great. I post these thoughts here because it makes me try and improve my writing and it’s good to know I’m not the only one. I write because I know others like and appreciate wandering by and knowing they too aren’t the only ones.

I’d still like to be famous though. Sigh.

I don’t think there is anything wrong with being famous, I think that there is something deeply wrong when we think it makes us or others better, more worthwhile, more.

Thankfully we have a God who laughs at our silly efforts to prove our worth. Thankfully I have a God who gently but firmly puts me in my place. I was reading Psalm 75 the other day, a Psalm all about God being God, being the one in charge and most of all being the one who gets to exalt people and bring them down. He’s the judge of all. He’s the one in charge of time and eternity and He’s the one who gets to determine what will last on that final day.

I want to trust him, I want to know that he is the one in charge of who gets exalted and who doesn’t. I want to rest content in an ordinary life, a life which values those of flesh and blood around me, a life which speaks of his grace and mercy, a life that builds on solid foundations. I’m delighted when stuff that he teaches me is helpful for others but I want to be delighted because he is at work not because it’s a boost to my ego. Facebook, twitter and blogging invite me into a world of instant reward and recognition, red notifications tease my brain and make me think I’ve done something well.

God is wonderfully different to all of this. He doesn’t hand out likes, follow Friday’s, love Mondays, comments or recommendations to others.

He does something more crazy, he offers unending life giving thirst quenching love.  He is fond of us, he is delighted with us, he bends down to help us, he is patient with us, he is kind towards us, he will not let us go, he’s in this for the long haul, he knows us.

Now why would I crave anything else if I really believe that is true?

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3 Responses to Just checking what I’m doing here…

  1. Tanya Marlow says:

    Oh lovely Kath – I am so often in this place! You describe it so perfectly that it makes my heart smile. I want to be famous too. The most famousy famous and winningest winner of all. But I don’t think I’d actually like the experience of being famous. Having chatted to people who are actually properly properly famous, it’s not actually that much fun.

    That doesn’t stop me from wanting to be medium famous though… 🙂

    I read this yesterday, and loved it – and thought of you. Much love

  2. Emma says:

    Kath you’ve put this beautifully. It’s such a battle to let go of what other people think and to live before the Lord. I tell myself to do this, but the words get stuck between my head and my heart. But here’s the thing. When you share the same struggles, I’m reminded that I’m not alone. When you remind me of the truth, it reaches me in a way my own words don’t.
    ‘He is fond of us, he is delighted with us, he bends down to help us, he is patient with us, he is kind towards us, he will not let us go, he’s in this for the long haul, he knows us.’
    Amen sister.

  3. Janice says:

    Ooh, right there with you. Of course to be a famous writer I’d have to write regularly instead of spitting out the occasional blog post…. Oh well. Beautifully and honestly written.

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