The thing about writing is that I just need to start doing it. The thing about new areas of life to be written about is that I just need to start writing. Whenever new things happen in my life this fair blog goes a bit silent. I need time to mull over them, to reflect without sharing those instant reflections with all and sundry (the few people who pass by this way occasionally). I think it’s a good thing, I’m aware that this is a space for reflection after I have communicated in flesh and blood ways to people I know and love and who can respond in personal ways. I think it’s good to be slow in announcing stuff and slow in thinking about how to start writing about new things. It is right that I have told many actual people in personal ways about this news before I have written about it here. But sometimes I get paralysed by thinking about how this new thing can be written about, can be shared with the world, especially when it is something that has the potential to cause pain in others lives, and lets face it the potential to go horribly wrong. (go me and my less than optimistic personality)
I had this paralysis when it came to going out with someone, becoming their fiancee and then marrying them all in the space of 9 months. I didn’t know how to write about it all, mainly because my life had been so clearly defined by being single and dealing with that for so long. I knew people would struggle to hear the news, I knew that because I’d been there myself in that tangled place of joy, sorrow, envy and thankfulness. I know that I can’t help peoples reactions, I know that I am not responsible for others reactions and yet being aware of them stops me writing. Lets get this clear. Empathy is a good thing, over analysis and trying to make everyone happy is not such a good thing. One is loving, the other is, lets face it, a little bit over controlling.
I wrote recently about the joy in sharing in others adventures however different they are and in principle I’m totally all up for this, but I find it easier when I have to be the one dealing with loss, pain, envy etc. I always find it a bit easier to be the one struggling than the one who is perceived to have much. There is a dangerous appeal of identity in the pain. It is these emotions I am used to, these I know how to fight. When I’m given amazing gifts that I know others long for it’s a little bit harder to deal with.
I think I find this because it’s easy to buy into the lie that my former life was one of emptiness whilst this new world is one of fullness. The reality is that I had a very full life before husbandface came along, my 20s were brilliant years, I enjoyed deep fulfilling friendships and fought for contentment in the world. I wouldn’t change them for anything. When we started a relationship husbandface didn’t complete me, fill my empty world or any other strange lie the music industry would like to tell us. He’s wonderful and I deeply love and enjoy being married to him but it doesn’t stop loneliness, fear, rejection, envy or pride. (odd that) Our world before the possibility of a real live baby was not empty and is not now suddenly full. It’s just a differently shaped world. I do my friends a disservice when I assume because I have what they don’t that their world is empty and mine is full. They do themselves a disservice when they look at my world and think it’s full and theirs is empty. And yet that seems to be a big fat lie of the culture around us. I can’t stop friends going through painful times, I can’t control people’s reactions, I can only try to walk through this life with a generous heart, grateful for the presence of our wise kind Father in the midst of the joys and sorrows that our different adventures bring us, trusting that He will be enough for me and for those around me.
There, that was a nice roundabout, over anaylsing way of saying, I’m pregnant and we’re, all being well, going to have a baby at the end of October. This blog will pretty much stay as always on the rambling topic of faith in the midst of this crazy world and will probably include slightly more stories of how having a child affects that. But fear not, I’m not going to have a countdown clock to when the baby appears nor will I go on about my theories of parenting in a slightly militant style (I’d have to actually, you know, have some theories, for that to happen). I’ll save the parenting blogs for those who are actually good at it (Circus Queen being one if you are a parent out there, not militant at all and very helpful indeed) and who set their blogs up for that very purpose.
Your correspondent, slightly afraid that now this is out there in the public arena that everything will go wrong. Yep she’s one of those worrying mother types. Any advice on dealing with worry will be gratefully received.