A slightly roundabout way of saying something rather important.

The thing about writing is that I just need to start doing it. The thing about new areas of life to be written about is that I just need to start writing. Whenever new things happen in my life this fair blog goes a bit silent. I need time to mull over them, to reflect without sharing those instant reflections with all and sundry (the few people who pass by this way occasionally). I think it’s a good thing, I’m aware that this is a space for reflection after I have communicated in flesh and blood ways to people I know and love and who can respond in personal ways. I think it’s good to be slow in announcing stuff and slow in thinking about how to start writing about new things. It is right that I have told many actual people in personal ways about this news before I have written about it here.  But sometimes I get paralysed by thinking about how this new thing can be written about, can be shared with the world, especially when it is something that has the potential to cause pain in others lives, and lets face it the potential to go horribly wrong. (go me and my less than optimistic personality)

I had this paralysis when it came to going out with someone, becoming their fiancee and then marrying them all in the space of 9 months. I didn’t know how to write about it all, mainly because my life had been so clearly defined by being single and dealing with that for so long. I knew people would struggle to hear the news, I knew that because I’d been there myself in that tangled place of joy, sorrow, envy and thankfulness. I know that I can’t help peoples reactions, I know that I am not responsible for others reactions and yet being aware of them stops me writing. Lets get this clear. Empathy is a good thing, over analysis and trying to make everyone happy is not such a good thing. One is loving, the other is, lets face it, a little bit over controlling.

I wrote recently about the joy in sharing in others adventures however different they are and in principle I’m totally all up for this, but I find it easier when I have to be the one dealing with loss, pain, envy etc. I always find it a bit easier to be the one struggling than the one who is perceived to have much. There is a dangerous appeal of identity in the pain. It is these emotions I am used to, these I know how to fight. When I’m given amazing gifts that I know others long for it’s a little bit harder to deal with.

I think I find this because it’s easy to buy into the lie that my former life was one of emptiness whilst this new world is one of fullness. The reality is that I had a very full life before husbandface came along, my 20s were brilliant years, I enjoyed deep fulfilling friendships and fought for contentment in the world. I wouldn’t change them for anything. When we started a relationship husbandface didn’t complete me, fill my empty world or any other strange lie the music industry would like to tell us. He’s wonderful and I deeply love and enjoy being married to him but it doesn’t stop loneliness, fear, rejection, envy or pride. (odd that) Our world before the possibility of a real live baby was not empty and is not now suddenly full. It’s just a differently shaped world. I do my friends a disservice when I assume because I have what they don’t that their world is empty and mine is full. They do themselves a disservice when they look at my world and think it’s full and theirs is empty. And yet that seems to be a big fat lie of the culture around us. I can’t stop friends going through painful times, I can’t control people’s reactions, I can only try to walk through this life with a generous heart, grateful for the presence of our wise kind Father in the midst of the joys and sorrows that our different adventures bring us, trusting that He will be enough for me and for those around me.

There, that was a nice roundabout, over anaylsing way of saying, I’m pregnant and we’re, all being well, going to have a baby at the end of October. This blog will pretty much stay as always on the rambling topic of faith in the midst of this crazy world and will probably include slightly more stories of how having a child affects that. But fear not, I’m not going to have a countdown clock to when the baby appears nor will I go on about my theories of parenting in a slightly militant style (I’d have to actually, you know, have some theories, for that to happen). I’ll save the parenting blogs for those who are actually good at it (Circus Queen being one if you are a parent out there, not militant at all and very helpful indeed) and who set their blogs up for that very purpose.

Your correspondent, slightly afraid that now this is out there in the public arena that everything will go wrong. Yep she’s one of those worrying mother types. Any advice on dealing with worry will be gratefully received.

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12 Responses to A slightly roundabout way of saying something rather important.

  1. Fiona says:

    I found the worry gland was programmed to start operating as soon as the pregnancy test result came back positive – and is still functioning pretty well 13 years later! On a practical level, the fact that (1) very few, if any, of the worries have actually come true and (2) on the rare occasions they did God, friends, and husband got us through it, helps. And I’m thankful my own mother was still around to support me when I became a mother – she dealt with my Eeyore-like anxieties very patiently! Whatever you do, don’t take the worries to a search engine – they will instantly multiply…

  2. Tanya Marlow says:

    Woo hoooooo! Yay yay yay!! So excited for you! How amazing!! Really really happy and thrilled for you – hope you really enjoy your pregnancy. Much love xxx

  3. ChrisB says:

    Such good news Kath. And I agree with everything Fiona says – other than for me it’s nearer 30 years.
    As for worrying, writing it down, talking about it, praying about it all help, but if you’re a worrier, it’s no good worrying about not having enough faith. It’s entirely possible to trust God to do the best and worry what that might be….
    Enjoy the opportunity for extra rest in these next months before you meet your child face to face. Parenting is a great job – a great life. Be kind to yourself – that way you’ll be best able to give it your best shot!

  4. Alison says:

    pray with your baby, join them in the womb where they are surrounded by God, being held by you and Him. Whatever happens your child is loved and true love may be painful for others but on the whole leads people to rejoice. And its ok to rejoice and be in joy.

    loving you all lots.

  5. Tsvetelina Ilieva says:

    Congratulations, Kath. I know you can do it – like you said it’s just a different shape of the world, and colour. You know you will have to start picking a color at some point, right? 🙂

    Tsvety

  6. Fiona says:

    Kath, we love you. This post is a great example of why you’ll be a great mum. Also, the theories will come. Oh yes, they will.

  7. pilgrimKath says:

    Thanks everyone, really appreciate the encouragement 🙂

  8. Mazza.down.unda says:

    My goodness you crack me up girl! I think my head would split open if I did all the worrying/analyzing that you do!! What wonderful news! Enjoy the journey girl… And get some nice rest now! Plenty of time for worrying later! (PS …that means MUCH later… Like when he/she is in his/her teens) 😉 and from an older single lady (eh hem) such as myself… Remember you can’t be responsible for other people finding contentment in the life that God has blessed them with, you can only be considerate and gracious in the way you share how God has (and is) teaching you contentment and thankfulness through what he has done and is doing and will do… For you.

  9. Fiona says:

    Congratulations, Bongo! I’m so delighted for you, and this is a beautiful post to which I really relate. I pray that all will go really well over the next months. With regard to the worry, I empathise with you very much – handing yourself and the baby over to God every day is what I’d suggest. Don’t read too much, don’t listen to too many stories and don’t allow other sources or ideas to take up too much room in your mind. Thrilled for you and husbandface! Sending lots of love xxx

  10. Anna F says:

    I LOVE YOU MATE! WE ARE SOOOO ALIKE 🙂

  11. Circus Queen says:

    I can’t believe I’m only now reading this. How lame of me! What a way to make the announcement. I got caught up in the discussion and then remembered, “Oh yeah, she’s going to say she’s pregnant.”

    I laughed a little bit at the end though. I really hope I never come across as militant. I have views but they’re changing all the time. I always think that what makes someone a good parent is doing the best that they can in the situation that they’re in with the information that they have. Oh and the worry hormone that comes with motherhood? I think it’s a good way of making us depend on God for every little thing.

    You, my friend, are going to be a brilliant mother. Your baby is so blessed to have such a woman of faith to nurture her (or him, but to me babies are always “her” until proven otherwise). x

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