The time has come to put a few things on the fire. For a while now I’ve been holding on too tightly to the dream of fulltimepaidchristianministry. I’ve been missing a past life, been frustrated at being out of the circle and generally missing what is in front of my eyes. For too long now I’ve moaned and complained at God for not enabling me to use my gifts etc. The Israelites have had nothing on some moments I’ve had with God in the last couple of years.
I think it’s time to stop now. That time is over. There is a new life here to be lived. I’m not saying I won’t try and dig up the grave of ‘what I miss about full time ministry’, but I want to embrace the life I’ve been given here in Brighton.
Despite all the moaning and complaining God has shown Himself to once more be steadfast in love and faithfulness, no surprises there then… I have been given the opportunity to work part time. To live in a world where I have 2 days a week to do what I really love and enjoy, to write, to hang out with people, to talk about God and encourage others and myself to remember that there is a God and that He really is involved with our lives. I am humbled by such grace in the face of such despair and unbelief from me.
Whilst thinking about this recently I discovered the real fear below the complaining and moaning. It came as I read blogs and tweets about people in my old job encountering God on the conference they go on each year. It was a fear that I was missing out. I was scared that without all the input, the big speakers, the small speakers, the times of worship, the teaching, the praying, the chatting that my old life brought along that I’d miss out on something God could be saying. I am still scared of missing out on that new idea that will make it manageable to be a Christian in this world.
Crazy eh. I’m forgetting the real point, that there isn’t a magical key that will somehow transform me into an amazing woman of God, there isn’t a magic button to press to make me and this world perfect.
There is, as ever a cup, a cross and an open empty tomb. There is, as ever, a God who calls me to know that I am a dearly loved child and who calls me to live a life of love just as I have been loved. There is a very real splendor in the ordinary. In the everyday walking around life, in the going to work, in the washing dishes, in the relating to friends and family, in loving the people in front of me. There is a Bible in front of me which I can read and a God I can talk to. There is One who stands against my accuser and One who calls me to keep walking with Him on the journey home.
That has always been enough and it is enough for me. I will always be tempted by the latest idea, the new shiny thing, the different perspective on an old truth, the programme that will transform my soul, but I am called to know the enough of Jesus right here today in Brighton. I am called to trust in the God who works in our lives Today, who is more than capable of giving me what I need to walk home.