Recently I have noticed that this fair blog is becoming much more of a diary and there are less posts wittering on about the Maker of this world, the nature of trusting Him and how stinking hard it all is. Well that’s probably because I’ve said it all before… There aren’t many more ways in which to articulate the struggles of life, the mystery of the Maker of the world and the wonder of His love through all the crap. There will always be new situations to try and believe that in though. That is what I face right now.
I face the new state of being unemployed for a while (I hope not too long). I was reading some of Henri Nowen (genius thinker/writer) on holiday, he talked about the major transition periods of his life and how they gave him space to think and reflect on his identity and who on earth God is in these new situations, asking questions like “who is God?” and “where is God?”. He describes these times as interruptions, with space to go beyond the normal constraints of daily living and find a deeper reality beyond the normal things that made up life. I certainly feel like I’m in one of those interruption times at the moment.
The challenge is to work through the questions here, in a world taken away from the things that normally have brought me comfort and made up my identity over the last five years. Through this new landscape I ponder: Who is God here? What is He like here? Will I know new things about him? Will there be old things I need to remember? Will this life be more authentic or merely different? Who am I with no role, no label? Will I still want to live this life with God if it is not my job?
Already I sense some of the answers. I am in a family of believers who live and breathe calling attention to the reality of God in this world. It’s part of the language we speak, we talk to him about the mess of our lives, we love each other out of broken crap weak lives, we get frustrated and annoyed with each other, we laugh together, we don’t know much about each other, we know lots about each other, we try and hold out this truth we’ve been given, and we try and hold onto it ourselves. I constantly feel like I’m on a mission team and I really really like that. Life has colour and meaning in this state, purpose is found again and despite not having a job there isn’t a state of existential despair because meaning is found on such a deeper level than the externals of the circumstances of life.
Of course it’s going to get hard, but you know, I think UCCF has excellently prepared me for this state. I know how to organise my own time, I know how to fill days meeting people for cups of tea, encouraging others, reading things, faffing around on the internet and talking to the Maker of the world. The sad thing is I’m not getting paid to do it anymore.