Phew. To be honest that picture below is all I have felt like saying here for a while. That’s the trouble with writing a blog based on being real. When I can’t figure out what is real anymore things get a bit messy and I have to stop for a while. (I’ve promised myself this isn’t the place for unrestrained darkness). It’s been an interesting few weeks in the world of my head. I have dark moments in my life, moments when I just don’t know what is real, don’t know which of my thoughts to trust and moments when I get lost. I’m learning to deal with them, and I’m learning to try and remember that there are things that remain whether I think I can believe in them or not.
Words that help me in these times come from Isaiah 50:10 “Who among you fears the LORD and obeys the word of his servant? Let him who walks in the dark, who has no light, trust in the name of the LORD and rely on his God.”
I like the fact that I am in good company in these dark times, many Christians in the past have struggled with this darkness. I like the fact that God uses this apparent weakness in me to help others. But it’s still hard to keep walking, to keep choosing the light whose call is so hard to hear at times. Thankfully there are friends with flashlights to come and walk with me. Thankfully I don’t follow a set of arguments, I follow a real live person who walked on the earth, lived, died and rose again. He is the source of my hope, joy and fundamental light in this darkness. He is the reason and the way I am able to keep walking. Thankfully it is his new mercies that work each morning and his freedom that enables me to get up, if shakily, and get back on the road home.
The Long Walk Home 