Living with the secret to reality?

Posted on March 8, 2012 by Kath

I haven’t been feeling all that great recently which means for the last few weeks I’ve watched more Spooks episode than is strictly necessary. As I walked into town last Friday for the start of Writing Time I was convinced I was being followed, that every white van held some secret agent and that, more worryingly, God was my boss and I was his secret agent. I know. I need to stop with the obsessive watching.

It’s got me thinking though. There is something weirdly familiar about the Spooks life (I know I’m not a secret agent really I promise) which I’ve also found in Doctor Who, our other TV obsession of late (we really need to cancel our Netflix subscription). It’s that familiarity of being on the inside circle of what is really going on in this world. Both Spooks and Doctor Who thrive off stories about a small group of people who have the real secrets to the world, who know what’s going on under the surface of our everyday lives.  Whether it’s aliens or terrorists they take the conspiracy theories and make them into something true. Weirdly as a Christian sometimes I feel like that, and I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not.

It’s easy to get smug about being part of a group of people who seem to know something about the world that others don’t or don’t ascribe to. It’s easy to like being on the inside and to think there is a vast chasm between you and the rest of the world.  It’s all too easy to create our own subculture within that group and alienate ourselves from people who aren’t on the ‘inside’, and comfort ourselves with the awareness that we are meant to feel like strangers in this world.

Our knowledge should never be about that, but it’s hard to know how it could not be.  How can we not come across like a bunch of conspiracy theory nutters or as arrogant in our awareness of the real state of this world? What does it really mean to be an alien and a stranger here?

How can we gently peel back the layers to help each other see what is really going on? I guess we start from the perspective that we all need to be reminded. I forget daily that there is more to this world than meets the eye. That there is a big story we are all part of. I forget to rejoice in that and delight in the One who is intimately involved with his creation. I need reminding as much as the next person about this wonderful reality. I need help seeing it and swimming in the wonder of it. I need the layers peeled back and I want to ask the questions that will help others around me see what’s going on in this world.

At the end of the day the real job of revealing this world might not be up to us. We have a great revealer after all. He is quite big enough to reveal himself to his creation, and has done. Maybe our job is calling attention to that reality in all we do and say, in questioning what’s going on in this world and in not being afraid to give some answers. The Spooks world is about hiding the true reality away, the Doctor always hints that humans aren’t ready to know the true scope of the universe. Our Maker came to reveal truth to this world. The problem might lie in whether we want to listen or not, whether we’d rather live not knowing.

Somewhat paradoxically though there is much of the weird thing called the Kingdom of God that is hidden, that will remain hidden until the final day. Maybe we have to live with that paradox. Maybe we have to live with the tension of knowing the true nature of reality, with the feeling of being a stranger here against the joys and wonder of sharing lives with people who don’t believe what we do, who reject what we hold most dear.

Any thoughts?

Posted in Life on the journey | 1 Comment

Why are you envious when the Lord is generous?

Posted on March 2, 2012 by Kath

Once upon a time I was a Relay Worker with UCCF.  Teaching from those days, 12 years ago still haunts me today. Leaving aside the sadness that I’ve never heard better teaching from the gospels than on our training conferences there is one phrase that has stuck like a splinter in my mind ever since. It’s from the parable of the vineyard workers, the one where they all get given the same wages even though they have worked for very different lengths of time. A story which smacks of gross unfairness and I know, from the state of my heart, that I would have been amongst those complaining bitterly to the manager- Why on earth should they get the same? I’ve worked much harder than them? Jesus’ punchline is simple. “Why are you envious when the Lord is generous?”, it’s a phrase that burns in my mind, mainly because Nigel Pollock (our esteemed leader on Relay) repeated it lots in his deep Scottish accent, envious and generous sound very distinct in a Scottish voice, believe me.

It was a phrase that echoed through our year as we attempted bad impressions of Nigel’s accent to each other. It is a phrase that haunts me still. It tears through my mind because it gets deep to the core of my dark heart. I am still envious when the Lord is generous. I am envious of others praise, of times when other people are enjoying an encouragement fest but not of me. I am envious of others blog stats, of others status and influence, I am envious of other people’s jobs, I am envious when other people have an amazing experience of God and I am stuck out in the wilderness. I am envious of my perception of how others are doing. I lack joy when others are praised and commended.

It’s terrifying what my heart does as I gaze down my twitter feed.  It’s hideous what my heart does when I hear about other peoples lives. I am envious, not glad of God’s work in their lives, not grateful for wisdom that is not mine blessing other people, not delighted in the writing of others or the opportunities they have. I am envious of those who have book deals, who get to do jobs they love, who have stuff that I don’t have.

Why talk about this here? I’m a firm believer in bringing out the darkness into the light so it can shrivel away under the deep gaze of grace. My envy is not the end of the story. Because that generous nature of God extends even to me, it extends even to the depths of my envy and pride. He is the only hope for my hard heart. His words of love, his sacrifice, his unending commitment to me, his mercy mean that he is generous in forgiving this hard heart and transforming it to one of love and generosity.

The fight is on. I want to delight in the praise of others, I want to deeply appreciate people without wondering how to get more blog traffic, I want to be so enthralled by the generosity poured on me that it is natural to extend that to others and in the meantime I want to be quick to say sorry, to repent and know the grace that keeps me able to walk through this life.

Posted in Life on the journey | Tagged , , , | 4 Comments

Psalm 118

Posted on February 28, 2012 by Kath

This is a pretty repetitive Psalm, which depending on your church tradition, you’ll probably either love or hate. Over the years I’ve heard so many arguments for and against songs that are repeated over and over again, leading me to think that maybe we love controlling what’s going on at the front of church a little bit too much. We all know many people are helped and many people aren’t helped by endless repetition. Although I think God comes down on the side of repeating songs over and over again, we are very silly forgetful creatures after all. Anyway, I digress.

This is a pretty repetitive Psalm. I think that’s a Good Thing. Because it’s repetitive about some pretty big fat truths. As, thankfully, these are more reflections and less sermons I’m not going to go through every detail of this Psalm (just setting myself up for the next Psalm, clever eh…?) Lets instead pull out the stuff that gets repeated, because it might just be the important bits…

His love endures forever.
The LORD is with me.
It is better to take refuge in the LORD.
All the nations surrounded me, but in the name of the LORD I cut them down.
The LORD’s right hand has done mighty things.
The LORD has done this.
You are my God.

It’s a bit slimmed down but those are the basics. The Psalmist is back to recounting the work of the LORD in his life and calling anyone who cares to listen to hear that His love endures forever. The LORD has rescued him and proved to him that once more it is better to take refuge in him. His enemies surrounded him but were cut down by the name of the LORD and it’s the LORD that has saved him. The psalmists life is lived in reference to the LORD.  He sees and knows that it is better to trust in him rather than in humans. He’s demonstrated that by crying out to the LORD for help and acting in the name of the LORD.

A while ago a friend asked me: ‘how do our lives demonstrate that we trust in God?’ It was a question that stopped me in my tracks. Outwardly it seems like I can live life without God, or with a nod in God’s direction, I have little real appreciation that God is deeply involved in the day to day existence of my life. I go to work and earn money that pays the mortgage (well that adds to husbandface’s money and pays the mortgage), that money buys us food and nice fun times, we’ve been gifted with brains which think of new schemes and plans for our lives, we see fun friends, we bumble along and it’s all to easy to suddenly become atheists or deists at best.

We are faced with the challenge of believing in a God who is deeply involved with our decisions, with our jobs, with how we treat the people around us, with what we do with our brains, with how we view our money and time. Do I trust him? Do I seek his help? Can I join in with the praise and shout from the rooftops for all to hear that His love endures forever? If I haven’t battled for belief in this God who is still involved in our world despite it’s insistence that material things are the only things, then I fear I will not know the joy, the wonder, the exuberance that real faith seems to bring at times. I fear I will not know the joy of a God who has come through for us. Do I cry out to the Lord or does the pain, the questions, the fear of silence from heaven silence my own tongue and shut me away from relationship with the LORD of the universe?

Do I know the joy found in the Psalm amidst the reality of life? Do I know the joy found in knowing that I am saved, I am part of a people who belong to God, a people who have our sins forgiven and our battles fought for us? Where do I really know that it is better to take refuge in the LORD than trust in humans? What does taking refuge in the LORD even mean in my life?

It’s a repetitive Psalm but it’s also one that leaves me with more questions than answers. Do I know this kind of God? Do you? What are we trusting God for in this life? Does the praise and exuberance of this psalm leave us cold because it seems so far from our experience?

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Wading into the gender debate with no care for the fallout…

Posted on February 23, 2012 by Kath

Every Thursday I meet up with a bunch of women from our church to look at the Bible together, to talk about what’s going on in our lives and to pray to our Father about those things. It’s one of the best things about my week. We’re going through a book on identity for women at the moment and it’s proving a little hard going. I’m just more and more convinced that it’s just too hard to write good material for specific genders. I know the value of meeting up as just women to talk about faith, there is something mysteriously wonderful when we meet up, chat and understand each other. It’s a relief and a joy and weirdly different to when there are men around. I don’t get it and I love the mystery of it.  When it works, when we put down desires to compete and compare it’s a beautiful thing. I love my friends who are women and for the way we can connect.

I find the problem comes when books/bible study resources are written just for women or just for men. Women and men are such beautifully diverse people that it’s fairly impossible to define what makes them up as different genders. We end up with hopeless stereotypes and generalisations that make everyone feel uncomfortable.  We surely all know that there isn’t just one way of being a woman or a man, we know this is true, we know that there aren’t even 2 or 3 ways of being a woman or a man. We know that there is a glorious and beautiful spectrum of the ways that people express themselves and deal with life. There isn’t a male way or a female way. There might be trends or similarities, things we can all role our eyes over and say, ah men aren’t they so good at putting things in boxes in their minds and getting on with life, or ah, women aren’t they so emotional about everything. It’s kind of true sometimes, but it’s not true all the time, and it really shouldn’t be the basis for a philosophy on what women are like and what men are like.

I don’t think I am defined first and foremost by my gender.  Yes, I am a woman, but I am Kath, child of God before that. I am a female child of God, a female version of this messy thing called being a human but I am child of God first and foremost. God created 2 different versions of human, I’m pretty sure he did that to reflect something of what he’s like, not so we could get hung up about what it really means to act in a womanly way or a manly way. He is 3 persons and likes that whole relational dance thing of different people relating to each other in submission and humility.

I think I’m on more solid ground on my next point. The whole Bible isn’t divided up into 2 sections, a male one and a female one. The fruit of the Spirit aren’t divided up into male characteristics or female characteristics.  We’re called not to enact what our gender tells us to but what our identity as humans tells us to, we are to be like our Father, loving, gracious, kind, compassionate, strong, loving justice and truth. The Bible gets pretty specific on how the genders are to relate to each other in marriage and in some of church life (depending on your interpretation- sorry wanting to avoid that can of worms here…) but that’s it. There isn’t a womanly way to live out the Christian life.  There is a Kath way, or a Sarah way or an Anna way or a Mandy way or a Jo way or a Lou way. Sure these ways might overlap more than the Kevin way, the James way, the Johnny way, the John way, the Tony way or the Bob way but equally they might not. There isn’t a manly way to live out the Christian life. There is, however, a godly way for all of us to live out our lives that isn’t related to our genitals but to walking in the life of love our Lord and Saviour has called us to.

I love the diversity of humans, I love the strange similarities between me and other women I love the mystery of it all but I don’t want to write it down and say, this is how all women or all men are to behave, this is what we all have issues with. It seems to me to be too reductionist of the wonder and glory of being human, of the joy and frustration of being two separate genders but with the call to relate well to each other and follow our God in love and sacrifice.

What do you reckon? 

Is there any real merit in books telling women how to be a Christian in a womanly way? I can kind of see merit in books for different situations of life, but think those could be pretty cross gender too.

Is it easier to see this if you don’t fall into a societal norm of being a man or a woman? Is that why I jump on this bandwagon with open arms, because I’ve never felt like I’ve fitted into what society has told me a woman should be (don’t worry, I’m dealing with that, God has shown me that I’m a beautiful woman and I’m well in the fight to believe it).

Is it something to do with the fall that we’re always going to struggle with these gender identities and battle with each other for supremacy in this life? Is it something that went wrong at the very beginning that we find it so hard to talk about these things without our hackles and our defences rising? What can we do about that?

Posted in Life on the journey | Tagged , , , | 10 Comments

Sharing adventures.

Posted on February 10, 2012 by Kath

The excellent Emma recently wrote about struggling with living with longing for children. It was a post that resonated with lots of my friends for different reasons, whether married and struggling to conceive or single and struggling with the realisation that having kids won’t be part of their future. I loved the post because of this, and because  I was grateful for someone expressing the emotions I feel at the moment when it comes to the whole baby issue.

I’m worried though, I’ve been in this place before, a place of banding together because we all feel the same about this one particular pain in our lives. I’m cautious about talking about these kinds of things with too many people in the same situation because I fear the weirdness that results when for some crazy reason we are given what we most long for in this life. Three years ago I was given something I’d battled with wanting for about 15 years. I was given a relationship and fairly soon after a husband. I’d spent lots of those previous 15 years learning how to live with being single. Lots of my friends were in the same situation and although some got into relationships there were still a core who were in the same boat. During that time I battled for rejoicing with those who got married and I got honest about living with the pain of wanting something I didn’t have.

When I got into a relationship I discovered the strangeness from the other side of the fence. Suddenly friendships changed. I felt weird about this new thing that had happened in my life. We were no longer on the same journey. We now found ourselves sharing stories from different adventures. I found that achingly hard. I’m not all that great with change at the best of times and change in the area that made up the most important part of my life was painful and confusing. I’m sure it was similar, at times, for those who saw me head off on this adventure. Thankfully friendship is an evolving thing and although it’s weird I’m grateful for the lessons of being on different adventures. Grateful that the fight to really share in the very different worlds of my friends is one worth fighting.  The importance of working through the weirdness to a new kind of friendship has come home to me in the last two years since I got married.

All this leads me to hope it could be the same if I suddenly find myself pregnant, or if friends who are on this longing for a baby journey find themselves pregnant. I know it will be a strange adjustment and I know that it won’t be easy.  We fairly naturally look to each others lives longing for the thing they have that we don’t, or glad that we have what they don’t have. I think there is a better way for friendship. I long for us to have the eyes to see a life that is wholly different but to know that we can seek understanding of the joys and sorrows of their own particular walk in life. It is sweet indeed to hang out with people on the same adventure as our own and compare notes. But I’m starting to think that it is even more of a privilege to be allowed into the world of someone who is on an entirely different adventure. I know it is a gift when someone from entirely different circumstances from me doesn’t look on in envy or pity but seeks to understand and enjoy my journey. I hope that I will have the courage to do likewise with them.

What about you?

What abut your friends? Are they all from the same adventure or do you know the fight to share in part in the adventures of others?

Posted in Life on the journey | Tagged , , | 5 Comments