Thoughts from a weekend away…

I’m sitting in an airport departure lounge waiting for my gate number to flash up on the screen. I’ve drunk coffee. Eaten breakfast. Now my brain is buzzing with thoughts, ideas, hopes, dreams and more. I feel alive. Awash with the simplicity of the weekend. 

I’ve been in London for the final day of my Spiritual Direction course. It’s been a beautiful weekend, a weekend of memories, of refreshment and quiet inside my soul. 

I’d forgotten how simple everything is when you aren’t being a source of regulation for someone. My hyper-vigilance has been turned off for 48 hours. I’ve travelled, sat on trains, read a book, stared out of the window and not had to think about how my closest people are experiencing that time, not had to try and prevent sensory overwhelm or negotiate us into a state of coping. I haven’t had to answer the call of ‘mummy’ at any point. 

I’ve just been still. 

I sat on a park bench and looked at trees. I went to my friends house and didn’t have to worry about how others were coping. I ate food I didn’t have any hand in preparing or thinking about what others would like to eat. I drank wine and talked to my amazing friend. We played music and laughed together. 

I spent a couple of hours travelling the next morning and it felt deeply refreshing. Despite it being busy London. I sat still. I walked without having to help anyone else get through the experience. 

Sometimes I forget how intense life is right now in this season. I forget that there is a lot of pressure squeezing out the thoughts in my mind. I beat myself up for not being able to be more productive or slumping zombie like at the end of the day. 

But life is intense. That’s ok. I love my family deeply and wouldn’t change them for the world. I’m also grateful for this time away. Grateful that I’m still deeply Kath beyond my role at home. I’m glad of being able to revisit memories of London in my 20s. I’m glad to drink deep of this well and discover I’m still here. 

I’m glad to be going back to whatever awaits when I get home. Two peoples nervous systems have been excellently masking all weekend, holding things together until I get back. They could probably do with a break. One will disappear to a dark room and one may shout and scream at me but only because he can stop holding it all together and let it out. I’ll release the husbandface to sleep, I’ll hold space for the youngest to rage if he needs it and I’ll snuggle up to his brother to remind him that he is seen too in this messy glorious painful wonderful life we live right now. 

I will probably then slump zombie like tonight on the sofa but I’ll know that I can still process through writing, I can still read, I am now a spiritual director, I am still an excellent friend.

I am not lost.

I am here.

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