Life in Lockdown week 9…

The Friday round up is back, that old familiar blog post style from when things were super bad in our world and I needed to record the moments of our days and my thoughts about life. It’s funny how things like that get forgotten in the good times and yet in the bad times there is a need to dig deeper, to find the gold thread in life, to document the reasons for hope so that you can trace the breadcrumbs back home. That’s what blogging does for me anyway, I trace the breadcrumbs back to my source and reason in this world (for me that’s my Maker in case you are wondering…) and I like that some of you come along for the ride.

It appears that we seem to have a great week followed by a really crappy week. This week was the crappy variety, my back was super sore again, husbandface is increasingly pale and twitchy (PTSD, anxiety and depression making a full on assault on his wonderful body again) in a way we haven’t seen for a long time, I hit some kind of crazy wall of tiredness and on Wednesday cried into my pillow for a long time. It’s hard this world, it’s hard in so many ways for all of us, and it’s ok to say that, to acknowledge the pain and grimness of this landscape. It’s ok to look to the future in fear and not know how to deal with that. It’s ok to mainline sugar. It’s ok to cry big fat tears. It’s ok to feel all the feelings.

And yet in the midst of all that, throughout this exhausting week, it has been good to notice the golden threads, the shining light against the dark backdrop.

Here are some:

Friends:

Now we are allowed outside with one other person I’ve made the most of some good quality social distancing walks with friends. I hate not being able to hug people but there is a huge dopamine hit from walking on the downs, sitting in the sun and drinking cups of tea 2 meters apart with lovely friends. I’ve appreciated all the people I’ve hung out with this week and am very grateful for such good friends.

Reading:

I’ve read a book. I’m slowly starting to read novels again and ‘The Other Half of Augusta Hope’ was a brilliant read. Full of great writing, other worlds to escape to and a wealth of interesting characters. Also easy enough to read which helps as my concentration levels are not what I would like.

Stopping:

I stopped. I don’t have any responsibilities this Sunday, apart from hosting the wonderful after church zoom chaos chat and after my weeping of Wednesday night I chose to try and keep myself sane and stopped working in all the little pockets of time I have when the boys are otherwise engaged with screens or audio books. I wasn’t sure what the use of taking time off was in lockdown but it’s helping me not have to think about anything else and enjoy the boys when they are with me and be able to read books in the downtime. Wonderful husbandface is sacrificing some health points by playing with them this morning so I can write and sit and drink tea. Slowly we will find our equilibrium again.

Music:

Music has always kept me sane. This week I’ve been enjoying again The Lost Words Spell Songs album, especially the utterly wonderful Little Astronaut song about Larks and feeling sad.

I’ve also gone back to Iain Archers song Everest, three years ago in the super bad period of husbandfaces health, we played this song over and over again. We first came across it on a One Church weekend away,  and nothing soothes my soul and makes me cry hope filled tears like the refrain, “Some other day, when my morning comes, I’ll be the one who waited all night” coupled with a bit of Psalm 130 and waiting as the watchmen wait for the morning. Out of the depths I cry and I am heard. We wait and we watch, I would love to see better health for my favourite and best but also I know there will be a better morning to come, the dawn will arrive and our hearts will weep glorious (to steal a line from a Stuart Henderson poem). We hold on watching for the dawn.

Frozen 2:

Not as good as Moana but it’s been our film of the week. Probably slightly better than the first one but a bit random and with a plot I still don’t quite understand (I either fall asleep in the important bits or it really is as bonkers as it seems). It does contain words that have kept me sane this week. One of the trolls says, in a surprisingly profound way (I actually wrote the words down when he said them) “When one cannot see the future, all one can do is the next right thing”. I love the simplicity of those words, the massive truth they contain and the relevance to our lives at the moment, all I can do is the next right thing. I have NO idea about the future but I can do the next right thing in front of me. Who knew there could be such wisdom in a film with a dubious plot about a river that holds memories, a talking snowman and a 5th spirit to go with earth, wind, fire and water…

Walking:

I’ve been slower this week due to the back issues but it’s still been really helpful to get outside each morning, listen to the Lectio365 app and notice the world around me.  I talk to God more and listen more. I breathe deep and return with more incentive to love and reach out to the small ones. There is so much beauty out there, it’s great to get out in it, I’m available for socially distant walks at 7am in the morning if anyone wants to join me.

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