It’s Friday. I sit and write on a cold sunny November morning. The sunshine seems to have brought out the writer lady at the back of my brain and as always with the intention of closing the gap between theory and reality I type away. I am a writer. This means I write.
I used to write Friday roundups of our lives when our world felt pressurised and painful over the last three years. It was good to have a space to download the week and then move into the next. And yes it was good to know more people were aware of the pain and I felt less isolated and alone.
Life moves on. The husbandface is in a good place, he still lives with anxiety and ptsd effects lurk, but more in the window of tolerance and awareness. It’s a good place for him and us. I’m not in such a state of desperately wanting our struggles to be seen so we can feel less alone.
Time passes by, the earth rotates and we carry on living our days. We’re in the post preschool years. I work, he works, the boys jump all over us and still need constant snuggles to fill their love tanks. We listen to their needs, we talk to their teachers about what’s going on in their heads. This week son1 was appointed monitor of the visual timetable because it’s incorrectness at times was worrying him (that’s my boy, on oh so many levels…). Son2 needs his teacher to be aware of anything hurting him or troubling him and so we talk through his sore fingers/legs/ankles etc each morning. I’m grateful their teachers listen and care.
I go to work. I ponder the unseen and how to measure anything. I pray for the Spirit to be at the centre of our community life together as a church. I forget to pray. I listen, I plan, I talk, I dream.
I’m half way through my first term of my spiritual direction course. So far I have felt strongly the absence of God in my life, the weirdness of the last 7 years of having to weigh up my relationship with my Maker in many different ways than before, the ease in which I slip into numbing and distraction from the unseen reality which guides my footsteps in this world. Sitting in a room with 15 people each week, all of us intentionally talking about how to pay attention to the work of God in our lives and others lives has made me aware of the hole, the lack. In that absence I’ve sensed again the presence who has me. The longing has led me closer to the tangible sense of desiring God again and I am deeply grateful for the ache leading me to seek quenching for my thirst and satisfaction for my hunger.
I marvel at it being 3 years since we walked through the doors of our church, weary, grieving and hurting. I enjoy remembering those first few months, crying in every service at this new freer world we had found ourselves in. I remember the service when both boys fell asleep in our arms and we swayed to songs reminding us that when we see God we can find strength to face the day. I remember the touch of the Spirit in so many ways reminding us that our source and hope still had us, and held tight. I remember and I am grateful.
Last weekend husbandface’s sister and our nephew came to stay. We had lovely times together, at many points over the weekend she articulated good things about our world and encouraged us effusively. I bathed in the joy of someone seeing our lives, noticing our world and being verbally specifically encouraging. It was a shock how much I needed that and bore in me a much greater desire to encourage others and a greater awareness of the need for specific verbal encouragement in our lives. We all long to be seen and known and whilst it is incredible to belong to a God who sees and knows us so well I think one of the major ways of divine means of encouragement is each other. So do it. If you think something good about someone, tell them. If you notice, don’t assume they know you’ve noticed. Tell them. Let’s start an anti stupid English understated culture revolution and give some words of hope to each other.
I think that’s most of my rambling thoughts for now. Time to enjoy the sun some more, walk around and appreciate Autumns burning beauty. Potentially more rambling chat to follow next week.
How’s your world?