I’m sitting in the boys bedroom waiting for the weirdos to fall asleep pondering the end of my 30th decade of life. Tomorrow I hit the big 40, which, let’s face it, isn’t all that big a deal, unless I talk to people around the age of 20 and then I start feeling the weight of time. It’s a number. It marks another year longer on this weird crazy ass journey we call life.
Earlier this week I started to make a playlist of music I have adored in my lifetime. I’ve just finished the teenage years section and it’s entertaining to listen to songs that have carried me over the years. It’s been lovely to revisit the ones that got me through the murky teenage angst and those that came with me on the journey to university and the start of this adult life thing. I’m looking forward to completing this list of random songs that really only I will love every song of. I love the memories that this music has burst back into my head and the people I want to hang out with more as a result.
As I’ve been compiling the list I’ve sensed that those years seem further and further away. Even the start of my son’s existence, something that feels so new still, is slipping away. Son1 is finishing reception in three days time and I realise it’s 6 years since I carried him around inside me.
I’m not sure what I’m trying to say other than, time eh. It’s a funny thing.
Wow I’m so profound after living these years.
Anyway. 40 used to feel so so old but now it just feels normal. Or young still. Or just another year.
The last decade has been one of so much change, and then so much ordinary living. It’s been a decade of learning to journey with someone else. (Something I’m still surprised at) I can’t believe it’s been 10 years since I moved into a house with a guy called Kevin and two other friends. I can’t believe that I really can’t claim singleness as my main experience of life anymore. Life has well and truly taken a strange turn and the things I thought so set on my 30th birthday have completely altered. I have the weird things that mean I would win at the silly game of life and yet life doesn’t offer simple rose tinted solutions.
This last decade has been full of joys and sorrows and I would not change it for the world.
I’ve been depressed, I’ve been full of joy, I’ve despaired, I’ve known hope as real as the ground under my feet, I’ve been sure we are alone in a cold empty world, I’ve been full of faith in a love that will not, ever, never let me go. I’ve grumbled and complained and I’ve been bursting with thankfulness. I’ve felt alone, I’ve been overwhelmed with how many kind wonderful people who have known and loved me along the way. I’ve been a walking ball of contradictions, I’ve never been more sure of who I am and what I am doing here in this world.
Life has carried on it’s strange twisty turning ways.
And although, this week, I am tired and fractious and wondering what I am doing, I know that through all this decade I have been held by a bigger love. Someone has been there in the storms, held my hand through wedding vows, in aching goodbyes, in the longest night of agony followed by months of confusion and joy at the small child lying beside me each day, in the fears of the second and the wonder of a night where it all went right, in long days with small people, in sleepless nights whispering songs of love into my ears, in the pain of community moving on and in the joys of new friendships formed, in walking me through the good works prepared in advance, in friendships old and new, in family ups and downs, in life in all its messy dirty ordinary joyous glory. I have been held, loved, guided, used, cared for and known.
It’s hard to sum up a decade of life and as I enter this new one, which looks remarkably similar to the last one, I walk over the arbitrary line in the sand knowing I do that with one who walks with me. Who has always always held on tight. Whose chest I rest my weary head against and whose smell I drink in to give me strength for the next step.
I am held. I have been held. I will be held.
I have been kept. I will keep myself in and I will be kept in everlasting love.
Here I go.
See you over that line 🙂