It’s Monday evening and I feel that if I don’t grab this opportunity to blog then I may never again. Overdramatic, maybe, but that’s how I roll around here when I want to kick my writing mojo in the butt. Yes, it’s going to be one of those blog posts.
I’m in a butt kicking mood, I’ve had a weekend spent too much in my own twisted deluded head staring at van conversion videos on youtube. (we also made it outside to appreciate the joys of spring and bluebells, but any time there was a chance I was glued to my scrolly screen) Nothing much wrong with that unless you have no money to buy a van, no time to convert it and are at the very beginning of the journey towards said van. Tonight I took a tiny step towards the dream of ‘faithinavan’ (spiritual direction in a campervan, coming to a road near you in about 2-3 years time…) I finished my application for a Spiritual Direction course in London. Phew. Done. Now the next step is to live well in the flipping moment I have in front of me, get on with my job, love my boys, love my husband, love my mates, get outdoors to enjoy the world without a van and not spend all our money on cake.
Woah. My butt is feeling kicked.
I’ve not done a round up recently. Probably because I’ve started a new job and am still trying to figure out how this thing works and where my spaces for running, writing and reading are (remember these are my essential self care items….) Running has mostly made it into the mix but any down time I’ve had has been spent mindlessly scrolling through my phone. Argh. Must get off the phone, must stop staring at VW Tridents that might be vaguely affordable in about 3 years time, must live in the now. Hmm. Enough of the ‘musts’ eh. Kicking myself at this point probably isn’t that helpful. I’m two weeks into my new job. Life has changed. I know I’ve settled down lots in the last few years but change just isn’t ever something I’m going to leap up and be energised by. I am usually drained by change, my brain finds it exhausting creating new patterns for how we live life. That’s ok, that’s how I work, it’s ok to be like that. I can be kind to myself in this tiredness. It’s early days in this new world, in this new role.
Pause to note INSANELY beautiful sunset out of our back door.
The photo won’t do it justice, and I have sunspots on my eyes but after a stinky rainy day it’s good to see the sun.
There’s a metaphor for life there if you care to look.
Where was I? Ah yes, being kind to myself.
I’ve also been reluctant to write anything here because the last couple of weeks have been hard. The wonderful husbandface’s health has taken a downward turn again. If life were a film we would have faded to black on Easter Sunday, with big fat resurrection grins on our faces. We felt like we’d come through the dark and there was light all around. Well it turns out that life doesn’t have a hollywood ending, the pain carries on. The darkness lurks. The light shines on but life goes on in it’s relentless course of pain and tears. (that sounds gloomier than I meant it too… obviously life is alive and wondrous as well but I think that in some ways the pain will always be with us in this stage of it). It’s been horrible to see the darkness sweep over my favourite and best again. I keep reminding myself that we are in a different situation, that we will learn how to cope with this, we will take one day at a time through whatever this is, blip, relapse, thorn that won’t be magically taken away. Somedays I’m better at remembering that than others.
I’ve also started a new job, did I mention?… I’ve only just remembered that I find it hard to process new stuff on this blog, I found it hard when I got married, when I had babies, there is little reason why it wouldn’t be hard when I start a job. I’m not sure how or if I’m going to talk about work, or indeed what the word ‘work’ means. Working/having a job at your church is a little odd like that, it kind of takes over the corners of your brain and the boundaries of life can feel a little blurred.
I’m going to take it slow, to try and learn how to live with the different stuff that makes up my life, with being a part time pastoral co-ordinator for our church, being a Mum to two small weirdos, being a lover of my favourite and best (sounds better than just the word wife, yes I have issues..), being a friend to my mates, being a person in this world, a walker, a reader, a runner, a beloved child, a friend of the king and queen, a drummer and more. (that list is seriously in no order before you try and read too much into it…). We’ll see how it goes, once more I’m trying to be kind to myself and not expect to run before I can walk. It’s a whole new world around here and trying to work that around the old one is an interesting process. I shall allow it to take time, and remember to run, read and write.
Right, enough burbling, I’ve blogged. It’s ok. For now tea, cookies and Parks and Rec call.
Your Correspondent, slowly making it through the painful ‘blogging in a new world’ phase…