Round up time.

It’s the…. week and halfish round up and an end of term bumper round up. My body and mind say it’s Friday. The calendar tells me a different story but I don’t care. Whatever day of the week it is I’m in a round up kind of mood as I’ve just picked the small ones up from their last day of school and nursery for a couple of weeks.

Small pause to look at the diary and work out what we’ve been up to for the last couple of weeks.

Ah yes.

We are still recovering from illness. March has been lost in a haze of snot, sickness, bugs, coughing and vicks menthol inhaling. Son2 had his immunisations and has sworn never to see a nurse again because they hurt you. Son1 got sick as well and we had many days of no routine. Nights have got better in the last few days but I’m still waiting to feel fully well again. Since the last round up we’ve just been ploughing through the days and hoping that the snot will leave soon.

It hasn’t all been bad though, we’ve got our Easter vibe on, we loved the Passover meal at church on Tuesday evening and the kids Easter party yesterday. The boys are loving the resurrection eggs each morning and I’m glad of a four day weekend with the husbandface in front of us.

I had my last counselling session on Tuesday and loved reflecting on the transformation in our lives in these last few months. I feel like we’ve regrouped, reformed and are sailing on in a sensible fashion. I love seeing the change in husbandface, the connections we are able to make with people at church now his world is more stable and I’m enjoying others getting to know him at last. I’m also loving the effect counselling has had on my inner world. I recommend it highly. I feel more human, more complete and able to embrace the path in front of us as a result of the processing done in these last few months.

I’ve also realised that the space I’ve been craving for the last 5 years isn’t really the answer to life. I am grateful for the breathing room at the end of each week, that I’ve had this term, but I feel like I’m learning that empty space with nothing in it isn’t what I need to give me life. I need space that has different things in it, time for the stuff that brings life and good mental health. I think I’m learning that I need to put the things that bring me life into each day rather than waiting for some mythical future of empty days. My tendency is always to wish for some perfect future where I have oceans of time just for me. It’s an illusion, a mirage. What brings me life is space within days, time to read and run and see people.

I don’t know if that makes any sense but I think that whatever the future holds I feel ready to embrace a rhythm of our days that aren’t about holding out for a future collapse. Just as husbandface is learning how to pace himself and his body I think I’m learning how to do that too. We are at the tail end of the all consuming years with the boys. I have no idea what the future will hold but I know I want to live each day well so that I’m not desperate for escape. Anyways. It feels like a healthy place to be in.

All we have is this present moment to live in, I have spent far too much of my life trying to batten down the hatches against coming storms (real or imagined) rather than enjoying or coping with the moments in front of me. I can’t control the world. I am not responsible for many many things. Worrying about those things takes me out of the present and away to some dark corner of my brain. I’m slowly forming new pathways in my mind of coming back to the here and now. It’s handy that the only place we can experience God is also in the here and now. Our Maker has our past covered, the future in mighty hands and now today has good works for us to walk in. I am the Makers handiwork, a poem, a beautiful creation belonging to my God. I am held and safe. The future is unknown and beyond my control and that is ok. (Well that’s what I’m slowly starting to try and accept..)

And so we come to Easter.

A weekend of remembering that the darkness has been fought and has been conquered. A weekend of remembering we have one who knows the depths of the crap in this world and suffers with us. A weekend of knowing that in all our Fridays, Sunday will come. A weekend of knowing that most of our lives are sat in the dark waiting. A weekend of reassurance that the light will come. The light will come.

So hold on my friends. Sit in the sadness. Know the vast echoing silence of Saturday and the lack of answers or hope. Then head down to the beach and hear the voice of your beloved saying, come, come and have breakfast.

Oh for that final dawn.

Oh for that final voice calling our names.

Come Lord Jesus. Come.

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