Thoughts from the week.

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The weekly roundup is back. It’s been full of ups, downs and roundabouts and I miss pondering the week just gone in this space. So, in no particular order, here are some thoughts. 

I am tired.

I looked back in my journal from the year and most entries begin this way. Many of my thoughts are of escape. I ache for some undefined time in the future when I can get away for a retreat. Or I’m dreaming of January when I will have 2 and a half days a week to sleep. I’ve started counselling in the last couple of weeks and the theme of our time together this week was my body crying out for rest.  I’m still attempting to work out why I fear entering space and why I tend towards doing lots to hide from time alone. But that’s probably why I’m having the counselling. 

Which brings me to another thought. Everyone should have counselling. A space to dump things in each week is very helpful. Another’s perspective to notice, with you, the patterns of life is so valuable. Advert over. 

Space has happened in small amounts this week. 

Morning coffee in bed still happens most days. On Saturday morning husbandface took the small ones to the museum whilst I curled up on the sofa for some Blue Planet 2 time. Slowly my body is getting some rest although, as it does, it aches for more. Somehow we are trying to make sure I don’t crash as husbandface is able to do a bit more. But I’m learning to say yes to the offers of help and thus I am writing this from a clean and spacious spare room rather than snatching a moment of focus whilst the post school tv is on downstairs. 

It appears that God is real. 

This week was a week of two halves with the eldest. We clashed all weekend and by Wednesday morning I was despairing. Husbandface made the excellent suggestion that maybe we should pray. We did. It seemed to work. A friend wrote an amazing piece of wisdom on my facebook wall. (Is it still called a wall? Or timeline? Or…? Anyway…)

“The only truths I can offer you, my brave, creative, lovely, honest friend (Editor-I kept that in cos it makes me look good) are the truths we all know but forget or suppress:

1. These children really *are* God’s before they’re ours. 

2. He really *does* love them more than we do. 

3. We can’t fix everything for them. But God can. Just not maybe how/when we’d like him too. 

4. Being a mother is simultaneously more painful and more wonderful than we ever thought it would be. 

5. Genuinely, as they grow, all we can do sometimes is watch and pray. And cry. But what an “all” that is. 

6. They really do have their own story, and it’s not our story, though the two do overlap and that’s a gift. (Oh, how I wish I could write their stories, but there is another Author.)

7. This too will pass.”

As I read this, and other comments, I was reminded of reality again. (which might be an argument for facebook being a good thing after all…) Phew. I feel all over the place with faith at the moment but I love that God cares about our lives, is involved in our present and can be trusted for the future. 

Autumn is insanely beautiful. 

IMG_2204A preacher the other week talked about the strange beauty of the death all around us at this time of year. I’ve been reminded of one of my favourite lines in an Adrian Plass poem

“And autumns burning sadness that has always made me cry for things that have to end”.

Death and decay are all around, blazing beauty, as we dig into winter. 

I love winter trees. 

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At Forest Church on Sunday we looked at trees, thought about our favourite ones and enjoyed the golden sun setting through stark winter trees on the sky line. I love winter trees. On my run this morning the red sunrise shone through the black outlines and again I was reminded that death is here but it is not the end. The leaves fall off the trees because the trees are conserving their energy to get through the winter. It looks like death but is actually an image of hope and rebirth. I love how the seasons remind me that hope is all around, this fragile world in front of our eyes is not the only thing that is real. There is more. 

Christmas is coming. 

I know, it’s early – but as my senses were assaulted in Marks and Spencer last Friday afternoon I felt the pull for more stuff in my heart. I caught the desire and gazed at it in the light. I have a cosy warm house, I have a family I adore, we all have pyjamas and we have red candles. I don’t need to buy a Christmas experience. I have so much and more and I am determined to be thankful this year rather than giving into the lie that just one more line of fairy lights will solve our problems. 

In other news son1 is one of the narrators in his nativity play at school (I’m intrigued as how that’s going to work cos he can’t read..). I imagine I’ll cry when I see him because I am that soppy. He told me he gets to tell the story and seemed pretty glad of his role. I’m just glad we just have to find a black t shirt for his costume. Also the song they are singing is already driving me slightly mad and they’ve only been practising it for 2 days. There are four weeks until the event. Argh. 

How’s your week been?

 

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