It’s Wednesday morning. I’m sitting in an empty house. Before me on the table are scattered lego objects from the boys early morning play. I’ve been engaged with life admin for the last hour. To do lists lie next to me, photos have made it from my phone to my laptop, emails have been sent, bills paid. It’s the first time in a couple of weeks where I’ve had time to sit and sort. I am feeling happier as a result. Clearer in my mind.
I’ve been wanting to write for a while and now as I type away onto the screen I hope for words to come. Coming back to writing always brings the questions of why I am writing at all in my mind. The best thing to do is ignore that voice. Write anyway. Write just because.
And so here I am.
We have come through the long half term our council decided was good for us in this land of Brighton. I was unimpressed at the start but, this side of the last two weeks, I’m feeling grateful for the extra time with my eldest weirdo, glad of time to connect again after his first half term in the world of school. I’m glad that we had two weeks to hang out together. Glad of the many National Trust places visited. Glad of autumn fun in the cloudy gloom.
We had a great time away on the Isle of Wight with friends who are family. The boys and their girls had a brilliant time playing together. We stayed up late chatting into the night, putting the world to rights, drinking wine and praying together. Faith still underpins and encircles all we are and do and it was good to remember, with others, that there is a greater reality to this world than all we can see, touch, taste or smell. The friends we went with are of the inspiring kind, the ones who help me want to parent better, to love more and to see the deeper stuff of this life. I came back utterly refreshed, not because it had been a perfect few days (the weather was grim and husbandface struggled with the days) but because we had tasted more of reality together. It also seemed that talking to the creator of the universe had it’s benefits and I can taste answers in the air since we left the island.
We returned to interesting news about the future. Husbandface will probably be let go from his job in the next month or so. Oddly this is freeing news, news that has set his mind free to not have to fear a place that it became impossible for him to stay sane in. In the last week it has felt like shafts of light have entered our world again. The clouds are starting to part and glimmers of blue are shinning through. Every morning this week I’ve been given coffee and half an hour away from the boys to start the day with. That kind of space hasn’t happened for a year or so. It seems like hope is peeking it’s head over the parapet. I am so so grateful for shafts of light and hope in the tunnel. (and if you pray, pray that finances will work out ok through it all…thankfully, at the moment, the wonder of light returning eclipses any worries about things like that…)
The last half of the holidays saw our eldest turn 5. I guess his birthday will always hit me harder than our youngest’s one. It marks the point where our lives changed forever, where we entered this world of parenting from which there is no turning back. 5 years on and I think I’m still processing the change in worlds and feel further than ever from the me that existed back then. I am in awe of our ever-growing boy. I am full of all the emotions when I think about life with him. Parenting is such a mix of wonder, fear, joy, guilt, new discoveries of where anger comes from, anticipation of the future and being dragged right into the present moment to ‘play with me Mummy’. One day soon I’m going to try and figure out what is my responsibility in this raising a boy to be a man thing that we have going on around here. I want to embrace my role, to know what I’m not responsible for and to be able to trust that there is a bigger reality of redemption at work in us. I don’t want to fear the future. I want to depend on the One who parents me so beautifully and who shows me what it means to love unconditionally, unrelentingly, patiently and with hope.
On Sunday morning I heard again of a God who pours out love on us, who does not give up on us, who promises love and delivers on that promise. I felt again the ache of missing relationship with this reality who I’ve been unable to escape from all my life. I felt again the wonder of a God who comes looking for us, who doesn’t wait for us to come crawling back but who actively seeks, who runs out to meet us on the long walk home and who throws his arms around us in delight. I will never grow tired of hearing of such love. I love how such simple words have always broken through my hard tired heart and melted me tender again. I felt like I’d drunk deep from refreshing waters after Sunday morning and I am glad.
And there we are, life continues around here. This week has felt lighter, the clock changes have enabled me to feel more awake in the morning. I am grateful for sunny autumn days. I am grateful for space to think and to have meandering thoughts I can pour out onto a screen. I am hopeful for more words around here.