Another one of those weekly round ups

IMG_0661It’s Friday lunchtime, the boys are watching Mike the Knight for the 100th time and for the sake of an old school weekly round up, here we go.

To be honest it’s been a pretty good week (all things being relative) in the life of Team Cunningham.

Husbandface is really low at the moment but it seems that things have levelled out at the bottom. Nothing seems to be getting worse, nothing seems to be getting much better either but there is at least a consistency in that. It remains a horrible horrible time and when I can bear it I cry out to God for some relief for him (the rest of the time it’s too hard to pray so if you pray please do on our behalf). We live in a known horrible landscape and there is a strange comfort in that.

This week I was reminded of the need to put on my own oxygen mask first, before helping my family with theirs.

And so I have read, I have run despite exhaustion and pain, I have attempted to remember that sugar doesn’t actually help my mental health anymore than my physical health and I have occasionally thrown some bootless cries to the heavens. I’ve also stepped away from my twitter account for a bit, the vast amount of craziness in the Christian twitter world was disturbing any notion of peace I had about the existence and care of God. I can’t live with two tribes telling me I’m either a raving liberal heading to hell or a raging fundamentalist who has no love. Of course no-one has told me either of those things but the implications are there and I can not deal with it all right now. I need to know that fundamentally God is nice and he likes me. I want to love Jesus more and more. I need to love and care of the people in front of my face and not worry about what the many tribes of the Christian world thinks about things. The rest can fit into place.

The boys and I have had a mostly harmonious week and although there is much sadness around we have had some fun too. Son1 had his last day at his lovely nursery, I watched as he and his friends took part in a hilarious ‘sports’ day and almost cried all over his amazing key worker at the love and care he’s experienced this year. I am so grateful. I have loved learning how to be his advocate this year, how to navigate him through his emotions when I’m not aware of what exactly has caused them and how to do the whole school gate thing. I’m as well prepared for reception as he is and for that I’m also very grateful.

We’ve been preparing lots for our motorhome adventure, putting lists together, buying maps and the reality is starting to sink in. My emotions range from uber excitement to wondering how on earth I will cope without the break that Nursery has been so helpful in providing for me in this odd world we live in at the moment. I’m a little worried about heading away from our support networks and community. But I’m glad we will miss things, I am glad we are rooted here and that there will be good things to come back to. I am so looking forward to catching up with old friends who know us and love us but who we don’t see enough of. I can’t wait for the possibilities of fun and for the boys to have more Daddy time on the road. We are so looking forward to bringing him on adventures. Knowing we are carrying our safe space around with us for him to retreat to when he needs to is a huge relief.

I have huge stack of books to enjoy over our adventure thanks to my Birthday happening this week. I’m enjoying being 39 so far. It’s not so bad being this close to 40. The middle of life might be ok after all.

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Right, Journey to Dragon Mountain is coming to an end, we have a sunny afternoon to enjoy with friends. There are sparkly moments in the gloom. There are Jewels glinting in the dark cave of life (I think this dragon mountain thing is affecting my brain) and I am grateful.

Your Correspondent, aware this blog post could have a different tone if it had been written at certain other points this week…

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