Friday morning in the park. The sun shines down. For the first time all week my body is no longer hurting, aching or sore. For the first time in 3 weeks I feel like writing and pondering our life again. It’s the last Friday of term. A phrase that feels very odd in the world we inhabit right now. It’s been a pretty horrible few weeks up to now. I’ve been ill for most of it. Husbandface had a week of being vaguely awake and engaged with the world, and then went he back to work. Oof. Which has been hard on him and fairly grim whilst I’ve been ill.
This morning I woke without feeling rubbish and instantly saw the effects. The boys were happy and played well together. I was able to be more calm with them. Nothing felt overwhelming anymore, the day before I’d been crying over the arduous task of trying to work out when I could send my Dad’s birthday card so he would get it in time. Today that was an easy task. Illness and exhaustion change everything. It’s good to realise that and feel less rubbish about the way I’ve been behaving recently.
I feel like I’ve dropped the ball many times in this parenting world, in living life well and being aware of people around me. Sometimes life is just about trudging through the fog until bedtime. There still doesn’t seem to be much clarity about the future, things changing, husbandface magically being healed or any of the other things I would like to make life feel better.
But this morning the sun is shinning, our estate is full of luminous green grass, our garden is full of wild primroses, the sky is blue, friends are coming for an Easter egg hunt this afternoon, we are off on an aeroplane to Northern Ireland tomorrow morning, holiday is happening, the boys are being mirrors of my positive happy mood and it’s impossible to not feel hopeful today.
Ah the changing shifts of my emotions. We ride out the waves. We ride through the dark days and the silent stares. We ride through the stressful shouting and bad choices. We ride through the weary exhaustion and sometimes the fog breaks. I think I’m glad I write when the fog breaks. I know that Psalm 88 is in the Bible for a reason. It is good to express the reality of no hope. But more often than not I write looking back from the top of whatever peak I have climbed. Able in a Psalm 77 type way to express the horrible and then to see the hope.
Anyways. Whatever the reasons, today the sun shines and I can envision hope again. Phew.