Oddly it is Friday once more. Again I find myself processing the week just gone. I’ve found myself questioning whether to carry on doing this now that life is getting pretty tough. As if drawing attention to that is somehow a self seeking thing. I’ve been really appreciative of the many texts and messages I’ve had recently of support and love but I can feel my pride and English cultural hat beginning to kick in. Surely I’m just being attention seeking by writing this down? Don’t I know there are worse off people in the world. Etc etc.
All the over analysis is fairly pointless. I write to remember. I process things better when I write them down. I know that putting it in a public space makes me try and articulate things well. I know that my writing helps some people know they aren’t alone. It helps me know I’m not alone. It’s a good thing. I’m going to carry on.
Sigh. My brain needs to justify itself lots of the time. Bear with me.
The lesser adventures of how we are dealing with life right now continue. Please do share stories of how you are right back at me. I love hearing from other worlds and how we are all dealing with this crazy mental life.
It’s been an interesting week. Husbandface hasn’t got miraculously better. He’s pretty much in the same state. It’s heartbreaking, concerning and scary not to know what timescales we are dealing with or when he will be back at work. There is no neat liner curve of progression upwards. There is just the same bog to squelch through. The sun seems to sparkle in the distance as we ponder how life could be different when he is well again but the daily reality is not so fun.
My coping mechanisms seem to work best when the sun shines. Tuesday was a brilliant day when all was sparkly and I was all full of faith that God would be at work in this mess and had something for us. It seemed like a good road to be on for the outcomes at the end of it. Wednesday and Thursday the sky was foggy and gloomy and so was my soul. Exhaustion and worry were wrapped around me.
There has been light in the fog though. Many people have been getting in touch and sending love and care. I had the best Saturday catching up with a friend from years ago and delighting in being able to talk non stop all day (when we weren’t reading to the boys). I saw Martyn Joseph and we have been singing his songs all week. The boys haven’t objected so far so I think their musical education is going well. A friend turned up randomly on the doorstep with chocolate brownies (mmmmmmm).
A friends book was released in its shiny glory (you should all buy Ink by Alice Broadway now). We caught up with our lovely American family and felt again awesome parental love oozing out of FaceTime. We cried at their love, support and care. Lots. Ann Voskamp and her book The Broken Way is giving me fresh awareness that abundant enough life comes through the way of sacrifice. I long to trust in the reality that all love is sacrifice and that is the way to real joyous living.
When I remember, I am clinging to the words of anyone who met Jesus and asked him for help. I am asking lots at the moment. It kind of breaks my heart that I can, and that he listens and cares. It’s kind of frustrating that I can’t find the magic words to make everything ok. Maybe there is more at work than ok. Maybe. But it really sucks to see someone you love in so much pain. As anyone whose ever done that will know.
Life is all sacrifice but that doesn’t mean that self care isn’t possible in the midst of the sacrifice. This week kind family offerings have meant we can put son2 in nursery for a morning a week so I can have a morning to breathe on my own. We had our first settling in session today and it seemed to go well. Here’s hoping he loves it when I’m not there. I sense this would be a real release point in the week and I could catch up on sleep and maybe even write.
I think we are in this condition for the long term and I want to live as well as possible in this new land we find ourselves in. My emotions range from acceptance, anticipation, anger, frustration, fear, joy and more. I surf them strong and occasionally wipe out big. We pick ourselves up and apologise and keep on walking.
We keep on walking.
Not knowing what tonight or tomorrow will bring.
We keep on walking.
Into another week.
How’s your week been?