I always knew the holidays were going to be tricky. The expectation vs reality hits hard at this time of year, without the added complications of husbandface’s depression and anxiety. We survived the first week well. Parental help, having some kind of routine each day (even if that did revolve around the ever present garden centre fun), lovely friends to share life with and me escaping to run each day helped us through.
We headed to my parents house on the Thursday and hung out with them, pottering around lakes, more garden centre joy and space for husbandface to read and sleep. Christmas weekend we decamped to my brother’s in Cheltenham for more family time, cousins laughing together, good food, the joy of resting from social media and screen watching for a few days and again space for the lovely husbandface to absent himself from the proceedings. I found it weirdly restful. I know that my rest isn’t found right now in long days in bed reading, (oh how I long for that) I could, however, rest from the stream of information Facebook gives me each day and the pressing concerns beyond what is immediately in front of me. It was good to get space from all but my boys and my family. I enjoyed the moments more, I felt the wonder of us together. The weekend felt long in the best way possible.
Returning home isn’t always a good thing. Back to life, reality and time on the M25. We broke up the long drive with some National Trust joy, way better for the soul than service stations. Still, it was a long drive home. I came down with a cold and the last few days have been spent in a weary grump at still having to look after the boys whilst sick. Today was helped by hanging out with old friends and their children this afternoon. Husbandface also saw the doctor facing the sad reality of his body not coping with life right now.
We live moment to moment, sometimes enjoying our lego play, sometimes craving more stuff, sometimes living in the land of treats to make the days go by, always listening to the Frozen soundtrack, sometimes on the edge of lashing out at each other in the exhaustion. Life is odd and not as it should be.
Still though there is hope wending it’s way into my heart. I am making time to read. Already this month I have finished Bruce Springsteen’s excellent Born to Run, a book which made me wet pages and pages with my tears. One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp again brought many tears and the deep desire to be thankful in the midst of this weird world. Bel Canto by Ann Patchett was recommended to me by many friends this summer and was a joy to finally read. I’m also almost finished Esther Emery’s wonderful What Falls From the Sky about her year away from the internet. I don’t want it to end and it’s inspiring me to be a better writer and user of this virtual world.
I’m looking forward to dipping into my Christmas pile of books over the next few weeks. Maybe I’ll even post some longer reviews here.
I’m currently typing on my best treat of all over the last few days, a shiny new MacBook. I can’t wait to casually put the little light thing into a bag and type away in a coffee shop one day (maybe this time next year when the smallest is at Nursery for 15 hours a week). I’m hoping it will be an excellent tool for my writing over the next few years and I’m loving a fast computer again. It was bought for me by the sale of my mother in law’s house recently. She bought me and husbandface my last laptop and iPad as she slowly died of cancer 5 years ago. A lover of gadgets herself, I know she’d have really enjoyed me having this, and the stuff husbandface has also treated himself with this week.
And so there we are, still walking on, slightly confused about what day it is in the land between Christmas and New Year and wondering what other celebrity will die before the year is out. 2016. A dumpster fire of a year with some good points. Maybe I’ll post about those good things before the year is out to remind me that it hasn’t all been bad… As for now, pass me the wine and chocolate, there are still a few more days before I reject major refined sugar again and treats feel like the way to survive this wintery fog right now.