It seems almost too good an opportunity to miss. I’m sitting on a train on my own, the coffee has been drunk and not to write would seem like a betrayal to my soul. Ahem. Maybe not quite so over dramatic but you get my drift
This blog has been a little quiet of late. My thoughts about life have ranged from the non existent to the bleak and gloomy to the what’s the point of stupid blogs anyway. Meh. Writing considering who is reading is very hard for a people pleaser such as myself. I wonder what people think far too much, whether friends who don’t buy into the God narrative that spins throughout all I do will think I’m bonkers, to wondering what friends from the fulltimepaidchristian ministry part of my life might think about some of my more heretical thoughts these days. And then there’s the worry about any parenting thoughts making people feel judged or alienated. Sigh. It’s a minefield.
I think it’s good to think a little about how my words might affect people. There are blog posts I will never post because they need conversation to understand the nuance etc. But. I don’t want to live in fear of disagreement. I want to know how to disagree without it tearing my internal thought life apart. I worry so much about what people think that I forget it’s ok to have my opinions and reflect on how I’m living my life.
And as my first reader is me, with the hope that passers by will be helped by knowing they aren’t alone, I want to get over myself and write.
(I know. I write a blog post about this dilemma once every 6 months or so but I am slow and forget and need to remind myself.)
So I’m on a train. The boys are back at home having a day of adventure with the excellent husbandface and I’m enjoying the mid November gloom out of the window. It seems an appropriate kind of day considering the news from Paris. One of the things that the news this year is making me realise is what a rare thing it is to live in safety in this world. I enjoy the strange privilege of living in a house, with food on the table, clothes to wear, luxury of wondering what gifts to give people at Christmas, no fear at night, no wondering how to get my boys to safety, no wondering how to shelter them from the horrors of war. I can run the streets at night after dark in the early evening and know I am relatively safe. It’s insane and weird and I don’t know how to live with it. The clamours of I wants in my heart seem very hollow today. I look at my boys and wonder how to help them live with such privilege and wonder. I wonder how much longer it will last.
This world is so broken and lost and all I can cry is come, come Lord Jesus. Come and bring an end to this groaning aching place. Come and bring your presence to all in fear today. Come and whisper peace into tired and worn out ears. Come and quiet the nightmares of children sleeping in the open. Come and help us use our privilege well. Come and change my selfish heart. Come and show me how I can care and love and make a difference.