These days, when I have time to wonder, I wonder what my relationship with God will look like when I have more space, more time, more of me. I wonder if there is a magical ‘getting back to what it was’ or if indeed there is no return to it’s former state. I wonder how I will relate to God when I have space to sit in silence and time to swim deeply in the words of life, truth and light that I know so well and yet are so far from my everyday experience right now.
I find myself turning over the pages of the Bible every now and again, remembering what it felt like to look long and deep at each word and phrase, remembering times of tears and wonder, remembering times of confusion, times of profound change and times where I gasped in awe at the One revealed in the pages. These days those experiences seem so far away, my interaction with the words of life so fleeting and brief. I miss wallowing around in them, miss being soaked, miss having my mind blown with news of what this world is really all about and where it’s heading.
When I talk of God now I feel like I’m reading by rote, sentences that I know I’ve said before roll off my tongue. Somehow I know they are real and true but it feels like saying a memory rather than a present reality. I pray prayers, I lead church services, I sit with people and talk of the love of God, and every time I do I feel the power in the words. The Spirit behind the words is at work, but yet there is a distance from them that I find it hard to reach across so I can own them for myself every ordinary day.
I think it’s good to have that experience there to fall back on, to know the words and say the words and hope that one day the words will become real again throughout the moments of each day. I trust that I’m in the family, no matter what, that my place at the table is held whether I show up or not. I trust that the One who held me this far will carry on holding me. I trust that even if my faith looks very different at the end of these preschool years than the start that it will still be in the Maker of all, the Lover of all and the One who is at work bringing this world to a far better state than we can ever dream of.
What do you reckon? How is your faith evolving and changing as life twists and turns about you? Does anyone have any ways of living well with that change?