Stepping over ghosts…


This morning I’m stepping on ghosts of my former self. I’m in our once favourite independent coffee shop (there is a better one nearer now but I had stamps for free coffee here). Husbandface is at a Dads and toddlers group this morning with son1 and son2 and I have made an agreement. He’ll sleep in the buggy whilst I drink hot chocolate and write. We’ll see if he keeps his end of the bargain.

Where was I? Ah yes. Ghosts. There is the ghost of part time working me in the window seat, loving time off and writing joyfully. There is also the ghost that feels closest and that is maternity leave me. Back when son1 was born we had that extra bit of disposable income which meant coffee shops everyday were possible. I met up with friends here, I desperately walked my boy around and around the streets until finally he fell asleep and I could come and sit down for a few moments. Me and husbandface came on dates here with the sleeping one and chatted to the owner about the joys of sleepless nights.

It’s odd being back here, just me and son2. He’s in the same tractor suit. The same buggy. A pretty similar face stares out at me but everything has changed.

Just being out on my own feels like bliss. I’m not scared this time around. With son1 I worried every time he stirred. I was exhausted, probably still iron deficient and confused about who I was and what was going on.

Alright, so I’m still pretty knackered. These babies aren’t so keen on sleep. But (and it’s a good but..) I don’t feel overwhelmed this time. I’m not in total despair (I have my moments..) and I feel lighter. It’s all about the perspective I guess. Just having one son with me feels infinitely easier than the usual 2. If I was here with both of them I’d be more on edge, wondering how long the toddler will last, would his needing to leave coincide with the baby’s need to feed? etc.

I’m glad the baby thing is easier this time around. I’m grateful that my body is coping better. I’m grateful for the time to hang out in a coffee shop again and process some thoughts.
I’m glad that the moments of peace in my soul seem quicker to come this time around. Whilst I will never get my old life back (and I really wouldn’t want it back now) I’m enjoying seeing that maybe elements can be transferred into even this crazy helter skelter weird land of life with 2 tiny people. It’s just a matter of taking the opportunities when they come and not fretting about the times when I’m too tired to grab the moment, knowing that more moments will come.

Thanks son2. You did well.

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1 Response to Stepping over ghosts…

  1. Tanya Marlow says:

    I love the way you describe that feeling of unsettling flashback – ghosts of our former selves. Yes. It can be so disorienting.

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