On breathing.

Grandad builds another tunnel...

Grandad builds another tunnel…

I sit at the end of another long day. I sit and I breathe. In and out. In and out. 

The sun slowly sinks in the sky. The world is glowing around me. In the background I hear the noises of my son being convinced that sleep at last might be a good thing. Hymns drift in from his room as husbandface soothes and settles him into a state where drifting off is peaceful and still.

I sit and breathe.

I read of a God whose mercy is new each morning, whose faithfulness is great. Who forgives my sin and offers me new clothes to wake up in tomorrow morning. Tonight though we are weary, husbandface’s back is playing up again, I am, well it’s time I faced up to it, I am pregnant again (15 weeks and counting) and exhausted from this growing a new life whilst taking care of our beautiful, crazy, inquisitive boy. All I want to do is curl up under the duvet and long for the oblivion of sleep.

I sit and breathe. 

There have been brilliant things about today. We went to a farm with the grandparents to enjoy my Dad’s birthday together. The boy delighted in trampolines, sandpits, small animals, people watching and more. We enjoyed his delight. We missed his nap window and so this afternoon turned into a marathon of getting through until the end of the day. He did well. Husbandface did amazingly. I dozed on the sofa as In the Night Garden worked some of it’s magic when the tears came out. 

I sit and breathe.

I find it hard to balance these days of such wonder and such tiredness. Such enjoyment of my boy with such weariness. I don’t want to moan or complain and yet I want to say it how it is. It feels hard. Already the voices begin loudly that I don’t know what hard is yet, I will never know until I have x number of children or am in x number of situations. That maybe true but for tonight I am weary. This is how I feel. We are meant to be going to a friends party tonight (we even had babysitters) but my bones ache, I feel sick and strange and I need to listen to my body. It is growing a baby I remind myself. Rest is needed.

I sit and breathe. In and out, in and out. 

As I washed my son in the bath, as I recounted our day to him, I told him of the God who sees the times we’ve messed up today, who knows our grumpy moods, the times we’ve not been kind, the times we’ve chosen to be distant instead of connected. I then told him of a God who forgives us, who doesn’t define us by what we do or don’t do, who has new mercy for us each morning. I told him and myself that we can go to sleep because he sustains us and I told him of the new clothes we get to wear tomorrow morning. (mainly the boy just giggled because I was tickling his back and he doesn’t really get much about this life yet but I think I needed to hear this particular talk rather than him…)

I sit and breathe. 

The mercies are new. There is grace enough for me and you. There is one who isn’t concerned about my perfect offerings today because he has already been that perfect offering. I am his child. I am loved and tomorrow I have new clothes to wear. 

I sit and breathe. 

I rest my weary soul in him and as I breathe I feel his breath on me, warming me, giving me strength deep within, reminding me that I am loved. 

I am loved. 

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4 Responses to On breathing.

  1. chrislizbourne says:

    Kath, congratulations – and keep on being as kind to yourself as you can. It is exhausting – I used to sleep at Sarah’s nap time – in fact I reinstated it as she was just out of them when I got pregnant with number 2 (Rachel). Praying for all 4 of you as you are on this new journey together

  2. Adele says:

    Glad that you’re taking the time to rest in Him. I don’t think I’ve ever been quite so tired as when I was pregnant with Ophelia and parenting Talitha. Even now, though I’m pretty wiped by the newborn/two-kids thing, I think pregnancy was the most tiring. It’s great that your lovely hubs can be around for a bit. Thanks for sharing honestly, as ever, and once again reminding me that we can rest in our Lord. x

  3. Georgina Cozea says:

    Kath congratulations on your new baby. I needed to read this too. I agree how tiring it is looking after a toddler and having a new life growing inside you. God does sustain us but every day is a tiring day. I love your phrase ” I find it hard to balance these days of such wonder and such tiredness.”

  4. Tanya Marlow says:

    This was such beautiful writing. So peaceful, even amidst the tiredness.

    And congratulations! This is awesome. And terrifying. You go right ahead and moan. I’ll let ya.

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