So, I’ve got to that stalemate position in blogging again, the one that freaks out because I worry about who is reading this, whether they like it, whether they think I have the perfect life because I have a husband and child, whether I’ll ever be famous (the answer Bross is No, by the way) whether anyone will get that 80s cheese reference, why I care about anyone reading this blog anyway, what if I just want to wibble on about how much I love my son, would anyone care and does it matter?
The answer to all these questions is quite loudly. IT DOESN’T MATTER. There, I’ve even used block capitals like a crazy pre 2000s texting fool. Ha. It really doesn’t matter. If you get overly sickened by my random learnings about God through parenting sonface you don’t have to come here. If you hate my every uttering and think I’m a fool you don’t have to come here.
I have to come back again each time this stupid blockage hits that what I am doing here is writing, writing because I must, because I have to, because life goes better when I do, so I can learn from the past me, so I can note the many many cycles my silly brain goes in. I must write. And sometimes, just sometimes the odd person passing this way knows they are not alone. That is good enough for me and sod the statistics. The only way I can prove that I’m not about creating a platform for anything is to just get on and write. The only way I can prove that I don’t really care about whether the whole of America jumps up and down with joy because I am a blogger is just to get on and write. The only way I can kill my envy and jealousy of others is to big them up and shout loudly about the people I love and things I love.
There is too much competition in my heart, there is too much darkness and shame, there is too much envy and jealousy and I can’t stand it anymore. I am sick of it. And so I shall write about what and who I love and I will kill these voices in me that want me to be championed, that want me to be adored. I have worth and value that last and will never be taken away. What else could I need?
And so I will write, and so I will over use the words ‘and so’. No-one can stop me. I shall stamp and shout and sing and live and breathe my life all over this space because I want to create and try and fail and note the beauty in this crazy wonderful stupid life. I do not need to have perfect thoughts that everyone agrees with, I’m just noticing the details and watching for the footprints of my Maker and recording them so I LISTEN. So I GET IT. So I DON’T FORGET because I am small and silly and need a written reminder.
You wanna read along, great, you want to come along for the journey, great, you want to read someone a bit less angsty and self obsessed, great. I’ll be here writing about what I love and how I’m making sense of the world today.
Blimey that needed to come out.
And no, you don’t even get a pretty sunset picture. Today it’s just about the words.