I’m not talking to God right now. I’m not sure why. Well, I have my theories. Mostly they revolve around being tired of the whole circular process. You might be familiar with it if you’ve been a Christian for a while. The weary process of sin, guilt, turning back and resolving to change and three days/hours/minutes later finding yourself in the same position again and again and again. I’m bored of it. I want real lasting change. I want to not ignore my Maker. I think if he really does exist then it should be a whole lot easier to walk next to him.
I know some of the answers, if I could just believe his love more, if I really grasped the gospel, if I remembered that it’s about his love and not my faithfulness, if I remembered that it’s not about my efforts, if I remembered that it’s not about me anyway then all would be fine. But the cycle continues, I forget these things, I demand perfection from myself and I want to give up if I don’t get it. I want to pray, I want to live by faith, I want to be deeply engaged with this world, I want to be disciplined. I want to remember it’s all about His love and not my efforts to please him. But I find myself again and again on the floor, muddy and dirty from the fall.
So I’ve stopped getting up. I’ve tried to ignore this whole stupid process. Well. I’ve tried but it seems that even that luxury is not to be afforded to me.
It’s not easy to ignore God. You’d think it would be, what with him being not very visible to the naked eye. I can’t see him, touch him, taste him or smell him. (what would God smell like anyway?) I find it hard not to ask him for things, not to thank someone, to change my prayers into wishes, hopes and dreams. I find it hard to look at a sunset without the context of the Creator. I find it hard to love my husband and impossible to not ask someone for help in doing that. Left on my own I’m not very good at functioning.
I know this makes me a lame ass in most peoples eyes. What a crutch, one week without talking to your invisible friend and you’ve gone insane. One week trying not to ask for help from someone and you’ve proved how pathetic you really are. Come on, pull yourself together, you don’t need help, you need to get it together, of course you can love people without this invisible friend you seem to need. Of course you can deal with the hard stuff on your own.
Sigh. Sad thing is I need Him. Slightly better thing is that I want Him. Slightly awesome thing is that He wants me. I can’t read my Bible in a disciplined manner, I can’t pray in a regular way, I can’t even believe the beautiful truth that it’s about more than that most of the time, I can’t love, I can’t reach beyond myself without help.
There are logical reasons to keep getting up, there are historical reasons to keep getting up but the only reason I do is because there is a hand holding out to me and a voice calling. Talitha Kum. Little girl. Get up.
Seems like I can’t escape long suffering patient love after all.