Talking through my childhood yesterday evening I was reminded of all the things I love and make up the core of my being. I think we sometimes lose ourselves amidst the now, the immediate. It can become easy to forget the wholeness of our beings in the pressures of today, in the rush of doing things now, in new experiences and new friendships. I can think that what I feel this moment right now defines me. I forget that my life is more than now, it’s made up of a past and a future. Today is informed by all I have been and all I am heading towards. Knowing that might just be the key to living well today.
I’m aware that sounds a little like a self help book. But when I talk of finding myself, I talk of the real self that has been made, sculpted over time, had bits chipped off and bits stuck back on, I talk of the self in the hands of a potter, creator, redeemer and friend. I talk of the self that is gradually being taught that it’s really not about the self at all. I talk of the self that is multi-dimensional, created with care and beauty to love and be loved. I talk of the self that is only the self in relation to a larger ultimate being. A self that is welcomed in to a community, to share and join in the dance, to bring a part of the bigger picture, essential and yet utterly subsumed by the light shinning all around.
As I talked over the twisting journey of life with my Maker I saw a trail of breadcrumbs leading home. I saw a girl who didn’t really know what it was to be a girl held in bigger hands, I saw the patience of a lover wooing over years of rejection and pain. I saw the patience of a friend waiting for just the right time to step in. I saw the challenge of a father calling his daughter home, I saw the lifeline holding me close to Truth, Reality and Light. I saw a woman called out of darkness. I saw the many things that make up Kath, the love of sunsets, deep conversation, walks in the country, encouraging people that there is more to this world, walking with God in the garden, lover of music, of people, of friendships that make the world seem a more bearable place. So much has changed in the last 3 years, identity has been threatened and I’ve sometimes forgotten who it is that inhabits this skin. Talking back, following the crumbs home has led me to the one who made me, who set my personality, who led me through experiences to help me take risks and head beyond my fears, who held my hand and kept me when I wanted to destroy myself. He is the story. He is the home. He is still here today. I am his.
In His hands I await the shaping of the future and long to walk hand in hand with him today.