Honesty

There are things I think we need to speak about, the times when everything is dark and when unbelief seems to be the only thing we can do or experience. There are times when everything seems futile and bare. There are times when I cannot get out of bed without a long argument with myself on the need to do so and there are times when I think I have nothing to offer anyone. I have a feeling that I am not alone in these times. I have a feeling that some of these times come to all of us at one point or other in our lives.

These times hurt my pride, because they are reminders that I cannot do much in this world, I am broken and messed up. My mind is twisted and distorts things, I need someone else. I need someone to come into this mess.

These are times when the curtains come down, when every event in the future seems like too much effort, and every event in the past seems like a waste of time, fruitless and futile. These times are the times I lose my perspective, lose any connection to reality and what makes up reality.

Today has been one such time, a time when I couldn’t do or think anything without tiredness and twisted things going on. It’s times like these that I’m glad for friends on MSN and texts who remind me of the truth, and who know the same struggles. In times like these I worry that I am a freak for thinking this way about life, but it turns out I’m not (unless my mates are too). Hey, there’s a whole Bible book dedicated to this stuff.

The reality is that we struggle, we struggle to believe, to have faith, to not believe the lies, to obey our Dad, to walk in Holy and Blameless ways that we were called to. There are times when we are wilful in our sin, hard in our hearts and trample on grace. There are times when the truth escapes us.

The thing is, Jesus is still real, still holding onto me, still patiently loving me, still here, still praying for me, still willing me on, still walking me hand in hand to the Father to be loved, still wanting the best for me, still prodding me, still challenging and disturbing me, still being Him. And there is nothing that can stop that love, nothing that can separate us from that love, nothing at all. And the brilliant thing is that all that is true even though my brain is kicking in right now and asking the “really?” questions. Phew.

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