In milky darkness
Opaque thoughts dance around.
Which is a neat summery of my brain right now. Sometimes I have so many thoughts dancing around inside, and sometimes they seem as elusive as the morning mist. It’s somehow too easy to write justifications of my existence here, to tell tales of the last week of my life, and to slip into diary recordings that show to anyone passing by that, yes, I have a life. I’m not sure where that need comes from, but I’ve found it disturbing me recently. Almost as if I need to prove my life has worth and value to the world out there. Which is what happens when my worth and value are found in external things and circumstances.
It scares me how easy it is to engineer life and friendships so that everything revolves around my comfort and happiness. But what happens when the cracks begin to show? When the sin that we hide from under layers of looking perfect begins to climb to the surface? The problem is, when I live in friendships to surround myself with people to provide ballast to this life, I start hanging on too tightly to the gifts and forget the giver. Life feels weightless at times, Nick Hornby describes this very well in his books. Life feels like it’s going to slip away in emptiness unless we surround ourselves with people, with things that provide gravity and weight to it.
It is tempting to do that, tempting to asses the worth of my life through the things I do, the people I know, the amount of fun I appear to be having. But when those things are made the primary thing in my life worth living for, the cracks appear. I get lonely, I mess friendships up, I am a jealous human being, I don’t have the ability to juggle lots of friends and love them well in that. But strangely, when I remember that God is the one who defines my life, who provides the ultimate weight and gravity in my life, things take on a different perspective. I’m not saying that all my problems go, that I suddenly become a perfect friend, well balanced and sane. But I am saying that He makes a difference. He places the right perspective on my friendships. He is the basis for my security and worth. He is my rock. He makes me able to love and be self sacrificial in friendships because I can move from seeking my all in the life I create, to seeking my all in Him.
The best thing is, that when I attempt to lift my gaze to Him, to stop seeking the idols of ‘Kath’s little world of friends and fun’, He gives me the best relationships with my mates, and lots and lots of fun. The best kind of fun. The best kind of relationships. The ones based in the reality of grace, truth, a God who loves us anyway and a beautiful world of love, music, beauty, truth and joy.
I want to hold lightly to the things I hold so dear in this world, the approval I seek from others, the things I think I need around me to be seen to have a good life. The good things I turn into idols. Because when they are placed in His hands, He does stuff with them. He redeems the mess, He brings beauty into the picture and I am able to love. Because I am not so concerned with finding my security in these things, but am able to love from a position of ultimate supreme unfailing steadfast love poured on me by the inventor of all.