The Advent wonder today is found in remembering 8 years ago- when we looked like this:
We now look like this:
This time 8 years ago we declared our unswerving commitment to each other and set sail in our little boat to unknown shores.
We’ve weathered a good few storms in those years. Storms which threatened to capsize us, enormous waves crashing over the ship. Don’t get me wrong, we had amazing times as well, times of calm, times of purpose, times of bumbling around enjoying life and each other. We then took on two new shipmates whose understanding of how to sail was extremely limited and, frankly, hazardous at times.
Nothing, though, has been quite so odd as this year. I’ve felt like I’ve been attempting to steer this ship whilst my co-captain has been below decks, violently ill, unable to move or participate much in this voyage. It’s felt like the longest night. Frozen to the wheel, waiting for the dawn. Or even a glimpse of light on the horizon.
Still.
I wouldn’t change it for the world.
Occasionally this year we’ve managed to be out on deck together. At times we’ve laughed into the night. We’ve had times of fun away from the ship (nope, no idea how long I can stretch this metaphor out for…). We’ve held hands whilst staring blankly at the screen (13 Reasons Why, Grey’s Anatomy, Parks and Recreation, Black Mirror, The Big Bang Theory, Stranger Things 1 and 2, Spooks and Once Upon a Time (the less said about that foray into bad tv the better)) we’ve existed in this odd place whilst surrounded by the love of family and friends who have come alongside us and given us space and rest.
As I ponder the last year of our lives these words from that day, 8 years ago, echo loud around my head.
“To have and to hold, from this day forth. For better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness or in health, until death do us part.”
We wept massively as we said them to each other and they are promises that have held us and will hold us as we sail on. They are words that have been made possible because we know the love of the One who put us together in this boat. They are words that I delight in swirling around my mouth in wonder because I get to say them daily about my favourite and my best.
I am so proud to be his wife, I am so proud of the way he has bravely faced the massive waves this year, of the change in career he’s had to make, of the way he has fought the demons of the past and of the way he has kept on loving me and the boys in this debilitating year.
He is still the one… and if you will forgive the large slice of Shania cheese, he is still the one I belong with, the one I want for life.
This, slightly less cheesy, song from Penny and Sparrow pretty much sums it all up.
Bet your shoulders can hold more than
Just the straps of that tiny dress
That I’ll help you slide aside
When we get home
I’ve seen ’em carry family
And the steel drum weight of me
Effortless, just like that dress
That I’ll help offBecause I’ve seen you
And I know you
And I’m not going anywhereBecause I’ve seen you
And I know you
And I’m not going anywhereI bet your back can carry more than
Just the weight of your button-down
One by one, they’ll come undone
When we get home
I’ve seen you carry family
And all my insecurities
One by one, they’ll come undoneWhen we get home
Because I’ve seen you
And I know you
And I’m not going anywhere
Once more. Raise your glasses and be in awe of the wonderful, still standing, delightful husbandface.
It’s been one of those days. One of those weary soul tiring days where there has been plenty of wonder but an underlying tone of exasperation, with the boys, with myself, with this imperfect world of ours. I have not been the engaged and patient parent I want to be today. I have been tired, snappy and weary of small people and their button pushing ways.
The Long Walk Home 