Some half formed thoughts about denial and submission

Posted on January 29, 2013 by Kath

submissionThere’s a title to make you click on something else if ever I saw one… If you are still around well done, and here we go…

Denial, self sacrifice and submission- not words you’ll hear much of in our world today. Sacrifice might be a bit more popular because it sounds, well, almost noble, it’s something we can be proud of, our sacrifice for someone else. If we choose it that is. Real self sacrifice as a way of life and not a one off moment is slightly harder to get our head around.

Constantly I think that I am the one who is in the centre of my world. I’m the one in charge, I get to make the decisions about what to do with my time, my money, my friendships, my family. The perfect day is one designed around me and the things I love. If this happens to coincide with hanging out with friends who feel supported by me, then even better.

The words I constantly seem to read in the Bible at the moment point to a bigger reality than me and my world. God, it would appear, is big on the whole self sacrifice thing. Loosing your life, denying yourself, submitting to each other, considering others interests better than our own. Phrases that make us shout back all the cases where we don’t need to act like this. We claim God doesn’t want us to be doormats, that it’s important to work out our own gifts, to serve where it’s appropriate for us to serve, to find our passion and go with that as the best way to live out our lives. But it all comes across as a bit me centric.

Those statements contain grains of truth. Of course, given the choice between two jobs, one involving all the things you are passionate about and one involving all the things you hate it’s probably a good idea to go with the one you are passionate about. I’m just not sure that it’s a right we get to claim. If we are really called to live a life of self denial we might not get to do what we are passionate about all the time. (which sounds like a horrific thing to say in our world and indeed Christian circles).  If we are really called to submit our desires in favour of someone else’s we might not get to do what we want to do all the time. Of course the flip side of that is that we might get to do some cool stuff as others submit to us but it’s not a given.

Right now I’m trying to learn about self sacrifice. I have a very good teacher. My son doesn’t know how to submit to me, I’m pretty much submitting to his life at the moment, if he cries I try and soothe him, if he’s hungry at 1.30am and 3.30am and 5.30am I feed him, if he’s happy I laugh along with him. Most of the time this doesn’t feel like a choice, there is much to be said for instinct and what ever crazy hormone that drives me out of bed when I hear his cries. As much as I’d like to stay in bed I can’t. He’s a little bundle of confused need as he tries to figure out this new world, as he slowly gets that the small bundle of fingers in front of his face are attached to him and he can pick things up with them, as he gazes deeply at us, as he smiles at curtains and as his brain starts to understand that he is loved and cared for.

For now there are no more moments alone, there are no films that we watch that are uninterrupted, as I write this I’m also shusshing a very sad tired boy who needs to sleep. There are no holidays in this world. I don’t want sympathy (well, more chocolate would be nice) but I’m thinking that surely this is our life with each other in the kingdom of God (not so sure about the exhausting no sleep bit) we are called to lay down our lives for each other. If you don’t have kids you don’t get let off the all consuming world of denial and self sacrifice. This is our call, to die to self, to live a life of love, to imitate Jesus as he gave up everything. I’m not saying that there aren’t boundaries in this world, that we don’t need wisdom in our love for each other but I think we need to get used to more films being interrupted by our love for one another.

As I write this it does seem bonkers…what do you think? What is denial really all about? I want to put the caveats in all too quickly as it makes me feel more comfortable about how I conduct my life. I don’t like making sacrifices for others (unless they are things I wanted to do anyway, but then are they sacrifices?). Surely there is more to this life than my self fulfillment? What would it mean in our relationships if we were to really submit to each other? How can we let go of our need to control and order our lives and accept that others will be there to look after us in our time of need? How good are we at receiving submission from others?

Your correspondent, unsurprisingly hasn’t wrapped up the issue of denial and self sacrifice well in a pithy blog post.

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What to write about?

Posted on January 24, 2013 by Kath

swingA swing chair and a boy who can nap in it has meant that I now seem to have some slots in the day to write more things. Which is weird. The silence in the house once again feels loud. There is space in a day that doesn’t involve heading out with the buggy to try and get him to sleep? Weird.

There remains then the issue of what to write about. New facts about the manager of our independent coffee shop who I have awkward chats with each day as I rock up with a sleeping boy? So far I’ve found out that he’s expecting a child in April.

Should I write about the new book I’m reading? Yes I’m reading a book. Not sure how that happened. Daring Greatly is by Brene Brown (she of the youtube video I posted a couple of weeks ago) and is blowing my little perfectionist socks off with the call to vulnerability in our lives. She says things like:

“Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability and authenticity. If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path. I know this is hard to believe, especially when we’ve spent our lives thinking that vulnerability and weakness are synonymous, but it’s true. I define vulnerability as uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure.”

As someone who runs from those three things it’s an interesting book to read so far. No doubt I’ll be writing more here as I plough through it in the wee small hours of the night.

I could write about the excellent book me and Binface have just read called “Knowing Darkness: Reflections on Skepticism, Melancholy, Friendship and God”, as you can guess I loved it but I can’t write much more here as we are meeting to discuss it tomorrow and as everyone knows you can’t talk about the book until the allotted time.

I could write about the many random baby groups I find myself in at the moment and the trials and joys of having to find something to do each day to get out of the house. I fear I may alienate some readers if this blog becomes too parenty so I’ll still try my best to steer clear from reviewing nappies or my theories of parenting (still don’t have any, going with the flow right now… although maybe that’s a theory in itself… I could write a book about it…the ‘comfortable what works right now for you’ parenting manuel. It would be short and would maybe include a free chocolate bar…)

I could write about my friend’s excellent new blog about their journey to make a baby in this world. Turns out it’s not so easy to make babies. Teenagers seem to have it easy and fool us into thinking pregnancy happens when you wink at the opposite sex. When you get into one of those serious monogamous relationship things it’s suddenly a whole lot harder than we were ever led to expect. A year and a half of trying did it for us with some medical intervention. John and Laura are exploring this new world and being honest about the struggles.  It’s flipping hard to be honest about this kind of stuff and it’s awesome to have people who are willing to bring them into the light and maybe break some of the taboos surrounding fertility and finding the baby making process hard.

I’m sure if I dig deeper into my mind I could find some profound thoughts from somewhere but we’ll have to wait and see if that’s forthcoming or not. So expect some more slightly random posts like this for a while whilst I wait for my brain to catch up with the small amount of new space I find in this world.

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Life at The Big Scream…

Posted on January 23, 2013 by Kath
dukes

Duke of Yorks Cinema

Life has improved a little since my last post. I watched a documentary about someone with 16 kids and life with sonface suddenly seemed a whole lot more manageable, I went to a group where other Mum’s were proper honest about how hard it is and I think people did some praying. I need to just start writing again so here’s the first attempt. Bear with me in this time as I try to rediscover my writing mojo from somewhere under a pile of nappies.

Wednesday morning has been film morning for the last few weeks. Going to the cinema whilst swaying a screaming baby isn’t always the most relaxing way to watch a film but does at least give me something to do on a Wednesday that doesn’t involve another repeat of the wheels on the bus. (seriously please will someone write new catchy children’s songs to get imbedded a nations subconscious) Our beautiful independent cinema down the road puts on ‘The Big Scream’ every week. I most enjoy seeing people who’ve booked tickets for the film without realising stare in horror at all the small screaming babies entering the cinema with them (and the lovely staff explaining that yes the website does say it’s for parents and babies only and they wouldn’t enjoy the film like this really..).

So far the choice of films hasn’t been too bad. We finally got to see Skyfall a few months late. Loved the lack of an evil genius wanting to take over the world plot and the massive explosive ending. Lots of fun and surprisingly attention grabbing with a small person thrown into the mix. Sonface decided Quartet wasn’t for him the following week, maybe the gentle thrum of a Maggie Smith old age drama wasn’t quite for him as he chose to cry all the way through. Thus I’m not really sure what it was about. Some opera musicians in a retirement home. Do they really have specific retirement homes for old musicians? Is this a thing I’m unaware of? Someone enlighten me please.

Last week I wasn’t sure the 2 and a half hours of Les Miserables would be a film worth enduring. I headed over anyway (along with most of Brighton’s children under 1, clearly the popular choice) and was blown away, even through the screaming babies I was moved, delighted and overwhelmed again by the affect of mercy on a life. Sonface decided to cooperate and slept through 2 hours of it (yey) whilst my head whirled with sermon illustrations and wonder at the big fat impact of grace on a life.

This week we were back to obscure films and about 10 people to share it with, a true to life tale of some Aboriginal singers, The Sapphires, heading over to sing for the troops in Vietnam. A fairly average story but made fun by the amount of 60s soul music on offer, which made me happy dancing at the back trying to soothe the sonface.

I’m still not sure it’s a great idea as 2 out of the 4 times have involved a small overtired sonface having a bit of a meltdown but it’s pretty cool to actually get out and have something else to talk about rather than sleeping patterns which seems to be my default conversation topic at the moment.

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Pause for breath…

Posted on January 12, 2013 by Kath

black and whiteIt’s 2013 and as I can cope with about the next 5 minutes at the moment it’s been hard to write anything here. It’s a weird world this place of new parenthood. It’s an unbelievably hard world and it’s a world where it is as tempting as ever to compare with others in the same boat, to find myself lacking and wonder each moment if I am doing the right thing for sonface (well he needed a nickname here right?). Once more I am faced with my perfectionist tendencies. Once more I feel like I have failed because I am unable to get my boy to nap on his own, to sleep through the night or to soothe himself when he wakes. Nevermind that whenever I smile at him he gives me big fat toothless grins, nevermind when he’s awake and not overtired he’s the most delightful small bundle of need I’ve ever come across. Nevermind the fact that we are all still alive, he’s healthy and engaged with the world around him. No, I look at what we have failed to achieve in 11 weeks and sigh. Nevermind that he’s really only 11 weeks old and can’t process this world around him fast enough. Nevermind that he has no idea what it really means to be tired, in pain, hungry and happy and really has only one way of telling me what’s going on for him.

It’s difficult to admit the hard stuff in this world. It’s hard to describe the all consuming landscape of this world. It’s hard to describe that the only conversation I seem to be able to have revolves around this small bundle of need who will not leave our lives. It’s hard to describe the crazy instinct that gets me out of bed each night when all I want to do is throw the covers back over my head and ignore him.

I once more find myself in a place of vulnerability and knowing the only way through that place is by admitting I need help. Once more I have trouble with that, we’re told over and over again that the best state of life for us is as independent people, the ultimate goal is to be self sufficient. I have no idea why this message is SO strong in my brain. I have no idea why I think I should be able to cope on my own all the time and if I can’t I have failed. Our sonface is after all part of a community here, I want to let others in and accept the help they want to give.  I want to relinquish control, I want to know that my worth comes from a deeper source than whether I have helped our boy be happy and sleep well for an entire day. I want to know that it’s a good thing to accept help and that my identity is not found in how well I can help others. Watching Brene Brown’s excellent TED talk on vulnerability reminds me again that I need the courage to be vulnerable and not to be ashamed of all these crazy feelings inside me.

My Spiritual Director would look at me now and ask where is God in all of this? Right now I’m not sure. I am angry that this is so hard, I am fearful that others will think less of me if I can’t cope with this world. I am frightened that we’ve made a silly mistake and I am scared of the future. Partly these feelings are healed by our boy drinking deep from me and gazing with joy into my eyes. Partly I know that this too will pass. Partly I know that I need to ask God for help, rather than get angry because he doesn’t seem to install a magic sleep button on my boy. (seriously, what’s the point of an all powerful God if he can’t do this?)  My worth comes from a much much deeper place than my assessment of how I’m doing (I’m always a harder taskmaster on me than anyone else). My worth comes from a God who loves me deep, long and wide. Who never gives up on me and who loves and provides for me when I am just a screaming bundle of need.

Once more I find myself in the needing help vulnerable corner of this life. It’s not a pleasant place to be as my pride hates asking for help. I hate the feeling of not being able to cope but somewhere in me I know it is a Good Thing as it leads to letting others help and give to me. This place is a raw place where I learn again that identity, worth and value come not from what I do or achieve but from the One who loves me with an everlasting love.

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Farewell to 2012

Posted on December 31, 2012 by Kath

I sit at the end of the year and wonder. What a year it has been.  A year ago we started out in hope and trepidation. We fought battles of contentment in the first couple of months. We grew more content with who we were right now together. We still longed for another to join our team but we tried to hold steady in the present.

I started a job I was patently unsuited for and cried many tears. The darkness swirled around me and I was lost in the storm. Then a strange thing happened. The stick pronounced what we had longed for all this time. Sickness followed. Visiting Chicago followed. May and time with friends followed. June and July blurred into a mix of counting down days until I could stop sitting in a room on my own in tears for three days a week. August brought frustration and September brought a new land to dance in.  October brought the end of dancing and the long haul waiting frustration settled in. Then the bomb went off.

Ethan exploded into our world. My heart feels wrenched apart. How could we have longed for such joy and fear all at the same time? Love brings pain. Love brings vulnerability. Love brings a terror of what each moment might offer us in this new world. My brain is a scrambled mess. My son smiles and gurgles up at me and slowly I can feel my soul restored. My son cries deep and my soul wrenches apart again. I have no words to describe this life entwining my emotions with his. What pain have I opened myself up to? What delight is yet to come?

I walk on. We walk on, knowing that team work will get us through this. We are together in a raging storm of wonder and delight, of mighty works, of fear and dread. We are together. I have joy in my heart but it often plays in a minor key. I am grateful but it’s tempered with fear. This song was the theme of the later part of 2011 and I embrace it now as we walk into 2013. Whatever comes I will know this joy in a minor key in my heart and long to know, as He has always taught me to say, that it will be well with my soul.

Obligatory best of section:
Best albums: Josh Garrels- Love, War and the Sea Inbetween, Martyn Joseph- Songs for the Coming Home, The Treme Soundtrack, Bruce Springsteen- Wrecking Ball, Ben Howard- Every Kingdom
YouTube discoveries: John and Hank Green and the lovely Hudson Taylor
Chrispy Onion book of the year: The Pastor by Eugene Peterson. Blissful joy at what being a Pastor is all about.
Book of the year: Blimey I’m not sure. Enjoyed the Hunger Games and The Fault in our Stars. Also loved listening to Miranda’s book and David Mitchell’s on Audio book which got me through the first few weeks of long night feeding sessions with the boy.
Child of the year: Er. Ethan clearly. Although we enjoyed Talitha JK, Matthew and Jonathan Arnold, Brendan Cunningham, our two Godsons Samuel V and Samuel T and all our church kids.
Random moment of the year: Husbandface arranging tuition for a midwife’s daughter as I was in labour…
Trip of the year: Chicago Baby. Genius fun times despite throwing up lots.
DIY expert of the year: Dad (MBE) for making good use of his retirement by putting in a new bathroom.
Hero of the year: Husbandface for patience with all my tears, love through the hard times, amazing support throughout the scary labour/hospital experience, pointing me back to the One who made us and holds us and generally being brilliant.

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