Paying attention 41-46 (the catch up sessions…)

It’s been a funny old week. The black dog has been creeping around again and I’ve stalled in my thinking of things to be thankful for. I’ve been ill, my mind has been blank and it’s felt tiresome and false to come up with some token of good things in a world where there could be no good. That’s what the black dog does at his most effective, everything is dark and broken. I become trapped behind a glass screen, numb, unable to feel anything. My laptop broke and I didn’t really care that I hadn’t backed it up and potentially lost many precious photos and writings (thankfully some nice awkward geeks at the apple shop managed to fix it). It’s weird not even being able to feel stress. All I’ve been is numb and it has felt either trite or deeply pointless to dig up some nice thing to put a sticking plaster on the darkness.

Anyway, the black dog is shrinking, he doesn’t lurk for too long these days, and with some studious ignoring, recognition, love from the husbandface, having to keep going to help my boys survive and sunshine, I’m slowly thawing back to life.

In the midst of this crap week I managed to make yummy chocolate truffles at Tuesday Group, I read a whole book- Divergent was very satisfying in helping me stop thinking and wallow in some young adult dystopian joy. I had a well timed morning away from son1 and a very satisfying drive with son2 giggling insanely as I sang to him (music is so so good for the soul eh). I basked in some sunny park moments and had Mum cuddles at the end of the week.  We enjoyed Easter Brunch with friends remembering the reality of the coming week together. Best of all I led church this morning and felt that joy of the Spirit at work in me and the delight of reminding people of God’s love. A welcome break from all night feeding and a treat to be used again.

The Easter holidays have begun. Ahead lies two weeks of a break in the normal routine, time to share the parenting load and hopefully to attempt to snatch some moments with the husbandface away from the small ones. We have fun times ahead in the next two weeks and weirdly we may move house. It feels very good to not have Sunday night dread as I type. I think I’ll attempt another couple of weeks of this paying attention lark and then close it for now. There. Back on track.

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Paying attention 40

This might be a cop out, but the anticipation of making Chocolate Truffles at Tuesday Group is keeping me going right now (I’ve been off chocolate for a long time…).

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Paying attention 39

Mr smiley back in action all day and feeding properly again :). Son1’s loud voice in church as Daddy read the Bible to us all. ‘What’s daddy doing?’, ‘what’s daddy saying?’. 

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Paying attention 38

The bliss of Saturday’s. Morning of sorting, cleaning and ordering our flat after two weeks of illness chaos. Time away from the lovely boys. Massage in the afternoon. Hanging out with God as my back got some overdue healing hands on it. Glad of the art of relieving tension. Refreshed soul and spirit. 

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Paying attention 37

Slow steps to recovery from the boys. Mr Smiley is back. Enjoying the sunshine in a friends garden all afternoon.

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Paying attention 36

The joys of Thursday. Slightly better boy packed off with his beloved Jo. Son2’s epic nap. Deep hot bath. Sharing the load with friends all afternoon and a wonderfully straightforward solo bedtime. 

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Paying attention 35

IMG_4276Another walk in the sunshine with the invalids. Sitting in the park eating lunch and chatting to son1, glad of a moment of interaction beyond wailing for the laptop. Blossoms out on the trees and the lovely Alice for company again this afternoon.

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