Weary…

Posted on May 18, 2013 by


All this week I’ve been feeling weak and weary, weary of trying to get the boy to eat things, weary of his limpet like qualities, weary of no sleep, weary of endless piles of washing, weary of my lack of patience, weary of an aching body, weary of the anger that rises so quickly, weary of being out of control, weary of lack of predictability in our days. You get the picture, I’ve been feeling weary.

In amongst this weariness I’ve also had Isaiah 40 going around my head. It’s tempting, if you been a Christian a while, to skip through this passage with overfamiliarity, it’s so obvious, people read it all the time, it appears on greetings cards and, like the band that everyone likes, it seems a little too popular to be any good. I know, a ridiculous way to approach bits of the Bible. Nevertheless I fall into the over-familiar trap all too often. There is, after all, a reason everyone loves Isaiah 40, it paints an incredible picture of our God in all his hugeness and all his tenderness.

Verses I can’t escape turn around in my mind and bring perspective to this weary place I seem to be in. This is what God is like:

“He tends his flock like a shepherd:
He gathers the lambs in his arms
and carries them close to his heart;
he gently leads those that have young.”

He’s a shepherd, he looks after his people, he gathers them in his arms, he carries them close to his heart and he gently leads those that have young. Through my sleep deprived days it is good to know that as I fumble through the days, as my body creaks and groans, as my arms ache that I have one who is gently leading me. There is hope in the midst of these days, I have a God who is gentle with me. Through my frustrated tears I once more say sorry for my lack of gentleness, for my frustration and rage and rest in the arms of the one who carries me and my boy close to his heart.

“Why do you complain, Jacob?
Why do you say, Israel,
“My way is hidden from the Lord;
my cause is disregarded by my God”?
Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.”

It is always good to know that God doesn’t grow tired and weary. Our lives are so full of events that make us weary. Unanswered prayers, situations that feel like they will never change, the frustrations of being misunderstood, the fear of being alone, the worry about what the future will bring. Through all of our weary days God is the one who doesn’t grow tired or weary and who hasn’t forgotten us. Our cause is not hidden from him. Whatever we are going through he knows about it. He doesn’t forget his people, although we are as small as grasshoppers. He is a God we can hope in.

And so I rest my weary soul in Him. I seek after his forgiveness and take refuge in his gentle arms of love which surround me. Gradually he breaks down my spiky, frustrated, angry craziness. Slowly I begin to remember that I am loved. Slowly I begin to hope for light in this darkness. My hard crusty heart softens in the warmth of the everlasting.

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Tuesday

Posted on May 7, 2013 by

Every Tuesday morning I head to the appropriately named ‘Tuesday Group’ at a local church.  Aside from being brilliant because there is a creche I can leave the boy in for an hour or so it’s also great to chat to a whole bunch of women at different stages in life. It’s one spot in the week where I can have some uninterrupted conversation.

This week we shared stories together of the difference Jesus makes to our identity. I read some posts from here, ones grappling with the changing in identity being a mother has brought.

Because I need to write
A new metaphor for life right now
Realising the obvious
On vulnerability 

I think it was the first time I’ve done any kind of public speaking since having our boy and it felt good to be back, good to tell of God’s work, good to be honest and vulnerable, good to publicly own this new world I find myself in.

I also loved hearing other stories of God’s work in the lives of the women there, tales of battles fought to love God more than his gifts, tales of the struggle not to return to the past, tales of a God who never leaves our side and tales of a God who actively pursues us and brings us into his family.

Read Heloise’s story from this morning here. 

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A new way of looking at obedience…

Posted on April 26, 2013 by

obey2My problem with obedience comes from the fact that I think I know best,  I want to be in charge. I think that obeying someone else will only lead to misery and denial of the essence of my soul. It seems like a restriction of freedom and, lets face it, we all deserve to be free.

What if obedience to God isn’t a denial of our freedom but the way to freedom? What if obedience to God’s will and way is actually the way to live as we were designed to live? What if doing things God’s way was the way to a full and wonderful life, rather than a dull and restrictive life. I know that’s not new thinking but I’ve totally and utterly forgotten it. I’ve gone back to thinking obedience means a dark dreary colourless existence, one where I am sad all the time because I’m so restricted.

Hang on. There is a whole flipping long Psalm written about how good God’s commands are, how they are like sweet honey, how they are light to our path, how they teach us how to live, how they are our blueprint, the way to access what it really means to be human, what it really means to be alive. The word ‘command’ has become so tainted in our culture that we’ve lost the wonder, the colour, the beauty of the life God has commanded us to live.

We act as if God has commanded us to eat gruel, sit in a corner and shut up, be seen and not heard, be good, be polite, be boring and be bored. Stop it, don’t do that, don’t touch that, don’t taste that. God is a killjoy to our plans. Oh we have believed the lie of the serpent for far too long now.

All this seems so obvious now I write it down. Too obvious to put into words. But I need to. I need to kill this lie. I need to write down the obvious because when I take it for granted I forget it and go back to believing rubbish lies.

God is not calling us to a rubbish life. He really isn’t. He made us. He knows us. He knows the best way for us to live. He wants us to take hold of the life that is truly life. The end of 1 Timothy is a perfect example of this:

 17 Command those who are rich in this present world not to be arrogant nor to put their hope in wealth, which is so uncertain, but to put their hope in God, who richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment.18 Command them to do good, to be rich in good deeds, and to be generous and willing to share. 19 In this way they will lay up treasure for themselves as a firm foundation for the coming age, so that they may take hold of the life that is truly life.

Note these are commands, and then note what is commanded: Not to be arrogant, but to put our hope in God who richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment. Taste that on your tongue for a moment. We have a God who richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment. What a crazy wonderful God. Timothy goes on to tell rich people to do good, to be generous and willing to share and by doing so take hold of the life that is truly life.

This is a GOOD way to live. Following God’s commands is a GOOD thing because he has provided us with everything for our enjoyment. Following his commands involves life, colour, joy, goodness, wonder, generosity, sharing.

There is a cost: these still involve giving up my wants, my rights, but it’s like stopping holding a pathetic little Mr Whippy ice cream to swim in a vat of Ben and Jerry’s. It’s like giving up a day in the sun for a month by the beach in the bahamas. It’s like giving up a small piece of everyday value chocolate for a years supply of lindt.

For too long we’ve believed our way is best. It’s really not. Lets embrace, dance and rejoice because we have a God who really does know better than us what is good for us and wants us to live that life. Who wants us to die to our ways so we may discover a much much better way.

I’ve also remembered in this last week that we aren’t just told to be obedient and then left to get on with it. God wants to equip us for doing his will, it is he that works in us what is pleasing in his sight. He is the one who gives us the desire and strength to obey, to go his way instead of ours.  So I pray that he would do that in my heart. I pray he would help my son love his ways, I long to be helpful to my son as we ask for obedience from him. I love that God doesn’t just give us random commands but a whole colourful life that he helps us live. I want our parenting to reflect that crazy grace in action.

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More on that tricksty word…

Posted on April 24, 2013 by
IMG_1223

We know Kath’s the real Boss…

OK, so lets leave the parenting thoughts to one side. I’m convinced that helping your child obey is part of parenting, but to be done always in an age appropriate way, according to their understanding, in the most appropriate loving way, in a context of grace and unconditional love, without the expectation that they’ll get it right straight away or all the time and with space for forgiveness and apologising from all sides. It goes hand in hand with not frustrating our children, understanding their world is crazy and difficult lots of the time and helping them not feel out of control, isolated or helpless in the midst of these turbulent years.

There’s a lot of nuances to be worked out there from family to family but I hope to try, and fail and get up and try again to love our boy well, to not frustrate him, to give him a safe grace filled world to breath, in the midst of also teaching him about obedience.

So. Lets get back to that word ‘obey’. I’d like to scrap it altogether but I can’t wipe out huge parts of my Bible. However much I’d like to make my Bible say what I want it to say I can’t. I can’t escape the reality that it talks about obedience as part of our lives as God’s children. Part of our lives. It isn’t the whole picture. It’s in the context of the big picture. That massive picture is that we are all dearly loved children of God, dearly loved, not put up with, not annoyed with, not wishing he could have a break from us, not sighing because he has to spend another moment with us. His parenting of us is not like our human parenting. He dearly loves us with a never failing, never stopping, never giving up love (thanks Jesus Storybook Bible for that phrase).  But he still calls us to obedience.

The Old Testament is full of the call to obey God’s ways. The 10 commandments seem like a fairly obvious example of that. Isreal as a nation is called to stop following it’s own ways or the ways of the other gods around them and to be different. To walk in God’s ways, to obey him.  1 Peter says this:

1 Peter 1:13-16: Therefore, with minds that are alert and fully sober, set your hope on the grace to be brought to you when Jesus Christ is revealed at his coming. As obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance. But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; for it is written: ‘Be holy, because I am holy.’

To be honest I prefer the phrase, ‘walk in God’s ways’ to ‘obey the Lord your God’ because it sounds nicer. It sounds less like I’m being forced into something and more about a choice. When it comes down to it though both phrases are about going God’s way in this life rather than mine. That’s where my problem lies. I want to obey when it fits with my plans and my ways.  I want to walk God’s path when it suits me, not when it doesn’t. I’m like that with human authority. I am happy to follow a boss when I agree with them but try every way to get around it when I don’t agree with them. Or  I assent on the surface but quietly ignore them so they think I’m compliant but my whole attitude and being say the opposite.

I have a mug to prove this. A mug given to me by my old work place as a leaving present. It says, ‘we know Kath’s the real boss’. It’s a mug that perfectly encapsulates my problem. I think I know best all of the time. When I agree with God’s commands I’m up for following them. When I don’t though I just politely ignore them.

Obedience is hard. I don’t like it and I don’t want to do it. To get around it I pretend I don’t know what God’s commands are, I pretend I don’t know how he wants me to live. I pretend I haven’t read the fruit of the Spirit or the call to be Holy or the call to love my neighbour as myself.

I’m looking for a way to try and love obedience. Is there anything that helps? Is there anything that helps you love obedience?

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The slightly controversial word: Obedience.

Posted on April 23, 2013 by

obedienceWhilst at Word Alive last week we went to a couple of parenting seminars. They were very helpful in getting our heads around what we are trying to do in these first stages of the parenting world. Having someone else telling me that these first years are flipping hard work was deeply reassuring. The huge slap in the forehead was, however, the message that these first few years are all about obedience (EDIT – A slight over statement- I’m not saying these years are just about obedience by ANY stretch of the imagination, just that the seminar placed a large emphasis on obedience that made me think about this lots.)   I’m not very good at obedience, just ask my parents. I wasn’t very good at it about 30 years ago and I haven’t managed to get good at it as I’ve lived out my life. I used to think that made me cool and rebellious. I’m starting to discover that I need to love obedience so I can help my son love obedience.

The trouble is, as I write that, I wince at the words. Obedience is not cool. James Dean didn’t become an icon by obeying the rules. Everyone knows the prodigal son is the cool one in the story, he disobeys, comes back, is forgiven and everyone has a party. It’s in no way cool to be the older brother who sticks around, he was bound to get bitter and cynical right?

Hmm. Something needs to change in my heart to help me to realise that obedience isn’t such a bad thing after all.  I am called to be an obedient child to my Father after all, however much my rebellious heart wants to cry no.

I wonder why we hate the word and concept of obedience so much? For me it’s about not wanting to relinquish control, I think that obedience will lead to me having less of a life, less fun, less of everything. If I don’t get to do things my way all the time then I can’t conceive how that could be a good life. I also think that when we put obedience along with children in our head we come to all the wrong conclusions. We think it’s about shouting, being harsh, not listening to the child, not being empathetic, being dictatorial, being angry and imposing a stricter than necessary world upon a confused upset tiny human. We also fear what will happen to children who are taught to just do as they are told. There are a whole load of problems with the word.

I can’t decide whether we need to throw out the word all together or reclaim it. For me, as a Christian I can’t get away from the word, it’s right there in black and white in my Bible. I am called to obey God and children are called to obey their parents.

So lets go for the reclaiming option for the moment.

Obedience does not mean that we don’t empathise with our children, that we don’t say to them that we know that plug sockets are very interesting things to put fingers in, that we don’t offer alternatives to the thing they are so bent on doing that might just hurt them. It doesn’t mean we don’t explain why we are putting boundaries and rules in place, it doesn’t mean that we don’t get down on their level and help them through the many emotions going on as they get frustrated that they can’t get their way all the time. It doesn’t mean that we don’t apologise when we get it wrong, it doesn’t mean that our children can’t ask questions.

Obedience is a good thing to develop, it’s helpful for being able to get out of the house each day, for stopping children before they run head first into the path of oncoming cars and it’s helpful to create a world of routines and boundaries that is understandable to the tiny humans in our care. I want to help my son discover the world in safety, I want to help him through his emotions as he struggles to do as he is told, I want to be a helpful source of authority in his life, providing a world of love and support for him.

I’m still new to this whole world and I imagine I’ll revisit this when I actually start struggling with this with our small sonface. But for now I’m going to try and start to figure out that obedience can be a good thing, that we can reclaim this word, that living in God’s world, walking his way, obeying him is a good and wonderful thing.

I’m not quite convinced yet, I still hate the word so I think you’ll find some more posts around here struggling to find out how the command to obey can lead to a full rich life rather than the impoverished strange one I currently think it will lead to. I think I’ll try and start with working out how obeying God can be the best thing we could do… Watch this space.

(Disclaimer: I realise that this is a huge can of worms and the word obey has all sorts of negative reactions in us for a whole load of reasons. These are my baby thoughts on the subject.  I want to believe it’s possible to reclaim it. Do you think that’s possible at all in a world that equates obeying with obeying harsh commands or horrible things happening to children who are taught to do as they are told…?)

(oh and great to have the lovely Jason illustrate this again)

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On writing.

Posted on April 20, 2013 by

IMG_1196It’s Saturday morning and the sun is shining. I feel the need for one of those checking in with myself posts, one of those looking around at the view posts.

This morning the boys are out with some other guys from church being manly (eating a fry up and pottering over the downs). The flat is full of sunshine and cool breezes from the open windows. In about half an hour a friend is coming over for brunch and I shall be able to talk without a small squirming thing to keep an eye on. I’m sitting at the new desk my Dad built for us.  Sadly the very lovely old writing desk had to go to make way for this new upgrade which is better suited to our purposes and possible future computer options. For now it’s a sleek space to store helpful office things and a smaller space to sit at and write. For that is what I shall do here.

I’ve found myself all too often in the last few weeks being uber jealous of others book deals, writing opportunities, ability to communicate over the internet about big things and build up audiences etc. The time has come to stop being jealous, stop comparing with others, stop worrying about how many people find my thoughts wonderful and get on with being me, here in this space.  I’ve come to the conclusion that once more I must find time to write because, as I’m coming to own, I am a writer. I process my thoughts through words typed on a screen. I am a writer. I don’t want to write to impress others, to proclaim my profound thoughts to all and sundry, to think more highly of myself than I ought.  I want to write because it’s fundamental to who I am, as much as my love of deep conversations that swim the depths, as much as my delight in cups of tea, as much as my love of standing on top of mountains and dancing for joy.

I write, I write, I write. And this weird old world of the internet means that others can join in the conversation and know that they too are not alone in these thoughts, ideas and ponderings of life.

I write because I have always written, from poems and thoughts when younger, to meandering introspective journals as a teenager and student (thank God that the internet was still in it’s slow down when America gets online and geocities are cool phase when I was at Uni) to the world of blogging which I’ve been doing for 8 years on and off now. I write because if I don’t my head goes crazy and I forget the lessons I should recite over and over until they stick. I write because I want to know that I am not the only one. I write because I cannot articulate these thoughts verbally. I write because I must.

I’ve been gradually realising this over the years.  I wrote this a while ago which says all I’m trying to say:

She was always a wordsmith. Always a writer, Always someone who wanted to put things down in words. To write. To see that words can sometimes express, pull into the light and wash down ideas concepts truths and reality. To see from different angles, to express all these thoughts that swirled around her head.

She’d always been a writer. And wanted to see if others might benefit from these thoughts, from the way she expressed the old old story, from identifying with the struggles and joys of walking through this life.

So there you go, nothing new here, just a marker along the way to say, yes I must write. I must make space in these crazy weeks to sit at this desk and press fingers to keys to create.

(Future Kath- are you listening? Have you done this? I know you are my most avid reader so seriously, if you haven’t, go now, make a call, get someone to look after the boy for a couple of hours and write dammit.)

Oh and many thanks to my wonderful Dad for making this space possible, and encouraging my weird poetry all those years ago, making me think that what was inside me was worth reading.

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Thoughts from Word Alive…

Posted on April 14, 2013 by

Nwa 2013Life at Word Alive is very different these days, especially when you can remember coming to a conference on and off for 20 years – things are bound to change over the decades.

I’ve come as a snotty moody teenager, a student, student team member, coming from the working life, back on the student team helping shape the student tracks, normal punter and this year was my first as a parent.

Its easy to grow cynical at the whole weird strangeness of a whole bunch of Christians being in one place for a week and believe me I’ve been there lots over the years.  Lately though its come to feel a bit like a hearty healthy meal. We stayed off site which helped us not get overloaded with all the things we could do. We had a tiny human to look after which again limited choices but the stuff we went to feels like it has been good for our souls.

This year there wasn’t a whole load of new information to be absorbed, there weren’t really any lightbulb moments or revelations of the next area of life to be cleaned up as in the past when I’ve come here.  What we heard has felt like a nourishing meal. The old old story has been doing it’s work again.

It was wonderful to sit in a talk without a squirmy thing on mine or husbandface’s laps. It was good to hear of a cup, a cross and a God who takes my sin away and enables me to be in his family. It was good to remember again who I am and what we are doing in this world. It was good to have our boy looked after for an hour and a half whilst we did that.

It was good to see others on the journey here and it was good to be in a place where there are many people who believe in this stuff. As someone who is easily swayed by the majority it’s good to remember our minority isn’t as small as I think sometimes. It was good to know God is wonderful and works in many places in many ways.

I think we’ve returned with more hope, refreshed by some space away from the boy each day and we plunge back into life in Brighton aware that there is a God who is at work in this world, who loves us and won’t let go of us. Phew.

(My brain is clearly malfunctioning, husbandface is sitting next to me as I edit this scrappy piece of writing, proffering ‘helpful’ suggestions as to how my writing could be improved. Sigh. One day I’ll find my mojo again… One day. In the meantime apparently I could make better use of the comma. Pah.)

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