It’s been a funny old month. For most of it I’ve felt fairly blank, just surviving the days, getting through and reaching the end of each day glad of a bed to sink into and the oblivion of sleep. That isn’t to say this month has been sad or depressing, there have been good times, this ship sails on, but my brain feels blank.
I have a feeling I expect too much from it, there have been few profound thoughts and even fewer profound conversations. I feel a lack of seeing people, which isn’t really rooted in reality, and that warns me that my brain might not be functioning right. I feel an insecurity in my friendships, do people really like me? What about those I haven’t seen for a while? Have I succumbed to a married with kids world that few can share with me or has life just got, well, full of tired days that can’t be filled with people. I feel torn between accepting my limits and enjoying the moment and a desperate craving to contact everyone in my phone to prove I have friends.
And therein lies the problem. I can feel the temptation again to measure my worth by the amount of friends I have, the variety of friends I have and the experiences I have with them. Facebook leads me to guilt over the people I am not in regular contact with anymore and I am sad. Never mind that we have different lives now, never mind that we are finite people, never mind that they (whoever they are) have excellent support networks around them and our friendship can wait until we have all the time in the world. I feel the ache of not wanting to let people down, of wanting to have deep swimming the depths friendship with everyone I’ve ever known.
Sigh. My head is silly. I know the reality that I have good friends here right now in this world who know me, who shake their heads with me at these tangled thoughts above. I know that my worth is set in something so much more than the number of ‘significant’ conversations I have had in my days and weeks. I know that it is good to sit and be content with the wonder, joy and struggles of the life I have and the One who has given it to me. I know that people come and go into our lives and we cannot cling to what must change. I know that I don’t have to be the most significant person in everyone else’s lives (well I’m starting to come to terms with that…).
Life here, right now, is what I have and what I live. It might not be the most exciting and dynamic, who ever said being pregnant with a toddler was a good combination? It might be a life others want or would run from screaming, that really isn’t the point. I have this life to live and breathe in. I have a husband to love and a excessively adorable son to take care of. I have friends and family to try and love and care for who are part of our lives. I have limited time and energy and that is ok. No really, that is ok. I am not here to save the world or be number one in everyone’s life. I am here to love and to trust in the one who really is the number one. I am here to love those in front of me and rest content in the one who orders my days.
It is ok to be blank for a while because my life rests in bigger hands than mine.
I am loved and of immense worth and value.
I can rest and be blank because nothing else is demanded of me.
I am beloved.